Here’s a little game: Count your five closest gay friends. Now count how many of them you’ve had sexual relations with. How many did you get? Three? Four? Maybe even all five? (Feel free to give your answer in the comments below.)
If you’re a gay man, chances are you’ve hooked up with several of your buddies in the past, many of whom are now totally in the “friend zone.” It probably feels totally normal, as once upon a time you were attracted to that person and wanted to fool around, but ultimately you either decided it wasn’t going to be romantic, or the fired burned out. You might even chuckle now as your friendship is sooooo far beyond that now.
LGBTQ people are much more likely to stay in touch with ex-hook ups (or even lovers), and shift them over to the friend zone than straight people. Why is this?
For one, sex often comes first for gay men. It’s simply in our nature and how we connect with one another. Men are biologically programmed for sex, with hormones like testosterone driving them. So when you finally meet that hot guy from the gym whose locker is next to yours, the desire for sex (a.k.a. connection) can often become top priority.
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Also, many of us kept had to keep our sexual desires repressed for years, especially during puberty and adolescence. We were forced to hide our crushes and fantasies while our straight counterparts were totally open about theirs. So when your dream guy walks into the bar on Friday night, that desire for a hot escapade can almost be instinctual, like we’re overcompensating for those lost years.
Lastly, there’s also a certain comradery that gay men share. We have a common extraordinary experience–we grew up knowing that we are a minority, that we can be marginalized, and that we’re different from what was expected of us in society–and so, naturally, we stick together. The bond of this experience can be more valuable than the petty divisions that might occur after a sexcapade fizzles.
Remaining friends after a long-term relationship has ended also seems to occur more often in gay partners than straight ones, who often separate forever after calling it quits. Again, I believe this is because, while the romantic relationship may have run its course, the friendship has not. Personally, I remained friends with all three of my exes for quite a while after we broke up. We shared a mutual respect of each other, and an understanding that it just wasn’t meant to be romantic anymore. Sure, that’s dwindled over time to the occasional Facebook “like” or an email asking where that awesome place was that we stayed together in Rome, but there’s no need for unnecessary bad blood and distancing just because things have moved into a new phase. Especially not when we’re all happier today than we were back then.
There’s a caveat to all this, of course.
While many gay men can easily move relationships and sex partners into the “friend zone,” I’ve noticed that it doesn’t always work the other way around. Once you’re already friends, and you try to take it to a sexual place, it can be harder to go back to the friend zone if it doesn’t lead to something romantic.
Perhaps returning to what it was now feels more threatening, as there might be the possibility that one partner wanted it more than the other–either to continue the sexual relationship or bring it to a romantic place. Or maybe the “safety” of the friendship has now been jeopardized, and it just feels awkward.
That said, I do think it’s common (and even healthy!) to start off as a friendship, and then parlay that into a relationship (in fact that’s my own story with my current partner). But to go backwards again to the friendship can be a little dicey. It might be wise to have some in-depth discussions with your “bestie” before you decide to finally hit the sheets. Is it worth risking your friendship? Are the feelings you’re having real romantic feelings, or are you just bored and horny?
I recently heard someone say about his friend group, “I’ve done every one of them at some point or another, I’m such a whore!” I would encourage this person to actually not slut shame himself, but to realize that it’s very common for gay men to be drawn to each other sexually at first, but then be able to transition that into a deep and meaningful friendship. If you can’t do this for whatever reason, there’s probably unresolved feelings that haven’t been worked through, but it just may be worth a shot!
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Gay Therapy Space, the first online therapy platform for and by the LGBTQ community. He has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.
dmtcowboy
Fire not fired
WashDrySpin
I have NEVER slept with a friend of mine…this is not a judgement it is just a reality of mine…
Doug
Me either. I also have friends who have other gay friends and they haven’t slept with them either. Where do some of ideas come from?
AnthonyS23
None of them. This article is ridiculous.
David
Far from ridiculous but the truth! When I married my first husband in ’97 there were 4 other friends in the room with whom I’d been to bed. And we’ve all remained friends over the years.
HmphGay
Some shockingly naive and puritanical responses I’m reading here! It’s 2020!!!! How are some people STILL treating sex as something shameful, disgusting or taboo? For those expressing utter shock that it even happens…get a grip on reality — if you live in a major metropolitan area with an endless supply of men, your friendship social circle will inevitably be infiltrated and mixed with men you have slept with (or WILL sleep with)
The more fascinating question is: so what?? Why are we even parceling out a division between the “sleep withs” and the “don’t sleep withs”?? Not only do I think it’s perfectly acceptable, I go to the other extreme….I think it’s a highly advanced and evolved trait of gay men to be able to connect with someone on a sexual AND mental level. What is it about having sex with someone that precludes him from becoming a friend? What is it about a friend that prohibits you from having sex with him? If you and your friends are both mature adults in healthy states of mind, sex can simply be one other component of a multi-faceted friendship; one that shouldn’t cause stress or the breakdown of the friendship.
Matthewnow
I never slept with any of my friends unless they were in the booth next to me.
BigThug
I am shocked this was written by a licensed therapist. This article would run nicely in an issue of Teen Beat magazine.
level75RDM
That’s what I thought. Shouldn’t a licensed therapist hold themselves to a higher standard than this? Why is this post so weasel-worded? And, as a marriage and family therapist, wouldn’t a lot of the gay men he interacts with to inform this be people who have relationship problems?
Daniel M
Well… Nearly everyone in my life who isn’t bio family or a co-worker is a former or current sex partner. It’s just the way it goes for me and mine. We have a fairly large and happy friend circle. And it keeps growing over time. I consider myself incredibly lucky.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
I have lifelong friends who have hooked up with for many years 3,4,5,6 somes the whole gamut. Once playtime is over we can do normal things any other friends do
The key is being upfront and everyone being on board, and if things go sideways it ends immediately and is never revisited…
TheMarc
WTF is up with this article?! None, I’ve slept with NONE of my friends. Not.one.single.one.of.them! The premise of this article is not only superficially stereotypical; but would be something I would expect to see on an anti-gay website to support the idea of widespread gay promiscuity. There’s a HUGE difference between remaining friends with an ex and f****** every gay man you can carry on a meaningful conversation with. Of course, this vapid article does NOTHING to draw that distinction.
Dymension
Yikes! Stereotypes exist for a reason. For a while there I had slept with all of my friends. In my 30s I started to be more selective and I now have more friends with whom I have not slept.
ingyaom
Definitely in the NONE category.
inbama
This may be a generation thing.
Back in the days when you couldn’t live openly anywhere near your family (or were thrown out of the house for being gay), you moved to a big city where rampant promiscuity was a way of life. So as you slept your way through bars, bathhouses, libraries, sanding room at the opera, art film houses, etc. – if you were lucky, you met some people who became your new family. “Friends” is really an inadequate word for these relationships.
With acceptance, same sex marriage, taking your rightful place in your family as an adult, etc., this is probably no longer the case for many.
Dymension
Totally agree. I am 55 and it was more common with my peers than today’s peeps.
jlogb
I can relate to this article! Some of my best friends are guys I hooked up with. However guys who were my friends before accepting myself, none… but they were totally straight, homophobic before I came out.. so didn’t even cross my mind. I thought hooking up was like the gay handshake for starting new friendships during my early years. That thankfully matured… lol. But they are still some of closest friends. Chill a bit gang! Soo John David….
RandomGuy
I’ve never slept with any of my friends although sometimes I feel like I’m the only gay guy who hasn’t and I’ve also never remained friends with an ex because they became an ex for a reason.
MISTERJETT
no, you’re not the only one. i’m the same way on both accounts.
masterwill7
You are not the only one. 😉
REDBEARD
At one point most of my friends started out as bed partners. In the Middle Ages (or maybe it was the Jurassic period) that was how most of us met. You then became nodding acquaintances, friends (sometimes with benefits) or developed a longer relationship. It was never an issue.
MISTERJETT
i don’t sleep with my friends and none of my exes will ever be friends.
JoshGL
3.5 (the .5 never got to climax)
Friends with all of them
Still friends with 3 of 4 exes
4th is a sociopath
He thinks I’m a sociopath as well
This seems to be a fairly common result in NY and LA.
Same gyms, large groups of people who know each other at clubs, Fire Island and P’town
The downside is lots of people who know your intimate details (dick size, preferred sexual positions(s), kink)
There’s not a lot of surprise in many cases
This is why we love out-of-towners
masterwill7
This ridiculous article puts every gay men in the same box! Never slept with any friend of mine. I’m just not like that, I don’t judge people who do, I just can’t.