It’s the end of another year. You’re psyched that work has slowed down, and you’re about to have a nice stretch of time off, but there’s still that deep dark pit in your stomach because… you’re going home for the holidays.
It can sometimes be stressful and overwhelming to return to the place that originally shaped us. For many of my clients, it took moving away and forming their own lives or families of choice to heal from the wounds of growing up LGBTQ in well-meaning but oppressive environments, before marriage equality was the law of the land, and when the only gay characters on TV were stereotypical clichés.
Whether you have a gun-wielding Trump-loving brother, a wine-obsessed over-bearing mother, a subtly disapproving father, or an aunt who asks every year, “But whyyyyy are you STILL single?,” there may be times when you just want to go extra hard on the rum-influed eggnog (even if, at the end of the day, you still love them).
It can helpful to have a few ideas in mind to ease your return to the nest, and keep yourself feeling if not jolly at least sane–or as sane as possible–during the “most wonderful time of the year.”
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Be independent
Sometimes when you go home, it can feel like you’re back to being the child you once were in the family. But you’re not that kid anymore, and you can do things on your own terms. You don’t have to completely enmesh yourself in the old ways. You’re a different person now, and it’s okay to sometimes request a little space and freedom to help remind yourself (and them) of that fact.
You may consider renting your own car or staying in a nearby hotel, even though your mom can’t possibly understand why you wouldn’t want to sleep in your old bunk bed with rusty springs, with your husband on the top bunk. Having the freedom to come and go as you please is key, as sometimes the only way to cool down and feel sane again is a long drive with the window down, or a trip to the local gay bar you used to sneak into with a fake ID.
Set boundaries
Family members all have their own motives, and they may try to push you to do things you’re not up for–like, say, attending midnight mass–or go for lengths of time that take you past your limits–like participating in an eight-hour holiday movie marathon. It’s important to be clear on boundaries before you enter the vortex, whether that’s stating up front how many nights you’re staying, or getting up and heading out after you’ve endured two hours of political debate over Pecan pie.
You can be assertive without being aggressive by simply stating what you need as a fact. Make sure not to be unclear or wishy-washy, as that can leave an opening that might potentially unravel your agenda. Remember, you’re an adult now, and you get to make all your own decisions without feeling obligation or guilt.
Now, you may be thinking, “But isn’t it selfish to care about myself first without making my poor mom happy on Christmas?” To that I say, remember what that cute flight attendant said on the plane ride there: “Put on your own oxygen mask first before helping another person.”
Remove yourself when necessary
If you’re feeling really activated or triggered, this is a good old standby survival tool. Simply remove yourself, go for a walk around the block, and as you’re doing it, take nice deep breaths and count them.
There’s something soothing about simple mental tasks, as they distract you from triggering thoughts and help ground you back to the present moment. It’s rare that a walk around the neighborhood with some deep breaths won’t leave you feeling even the slightest bit calmer upon your return.
You can also use this time away to reach out for support. Whether it’s your boyfriend or girlfriend, or just a buddy back home on the phone, plugging into your “real” life can remind you of who you are now: strong, capable, and unphased by the magnetic pull into the unhealthy family dynamics.
Going home for the holidays is no easy feat, but if you take care of yourself through careful planning, asserting boundaries, and an independent mindset, you can survive.
Don’t forget, you aren’t alone. As Ellen Griswold famously said in the holiday classic, “I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.”
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and the founder of Gay Therapy Space, the first online therapy platform for and by the LGBTQ community. He has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.
Imjustsaying
Sit down, shut up and savior it, because when all are gone but you, you’ll wish for even a few moments back.
WashDrySpin
I go home every year to a bunch of family members that have judgement of me and my husband…which is funny because we have the longest relationship of any of them…YES and they are in their 70s…but never had what we have!!!
1. Stay at a hotel or airbnb
2. Set a time to leave
3. Discussion stay at the surface this is a once a year visit so no point of sharing the details of your life when you won’t see them for another year
4. Laugh because seriously they are your family and you know some of their dirty little secrets
Kangol2
Great advice!
Dan Renzi
Excellent advice.
Sister Bertha Bedderthanyu
I stopped sending gifts to my out of town family members five years ago. I found it tacky to have to ask them to send me a pic of the kids enjoying their toys or to see how they looked in a sweater or whether or not they liked the robe I sent them. The first year I didn’t send a gift I heard from all of them but told ALL of them why I was no longer sending anything and if they make it down we’ll have a nice family dinner and leave it at that. They swore on a stack of bibles “Aunt Berth we didn’t mean any harm. We just thought you knew to look at our Facebook pages.” I don’t give one damn about how times have changed I find it disrespectful that I can take the time to hunt down a gift for you and wait in insanely long lines to pay for it but I have to join the crowd to see how it looks or how the kids enjoyed it. A regular texted picture would have been nice but hey, its their loss, not ol’ Aunt Bertha’s.