As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in LGBTQ issues, I work with a number of same-sex couples, helping them to navigate their relationships and lead happy and successful lives.
Open relationships, “don’t ask don’t tell” policies, or inviting a third into the bedroom to spice things up are not uncommon in same-sex partnerships. These things, while still considered taboo in much of the straight world, can really help a couple thrive without feeling they’re being forced into boxes that aren’t representative of who they are.
That said, opening up a relationship is a big decision, and one that should not be entered into lightly. It’s a tricky road to navigate. If you want to do it successfully, here are five tips I often share with my clients:
Express your feelings.
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It’s extremely important to have open and honest communication with your partner about how you are feeling in all aspects of your relationship, including your sex life. Are you feeling bored? Do you want to spice it up? Are you satisfied with how it’s going? Is there anything you’re concerned about or that you would like to change? Talking about these things will help illuminate what’s working and what you might need to change. Who knows? You may both realize that you want to open things up. But you’ll never come to that realization if you don’t talk about it first.
Determine where you are on the same page, and where you are not.
After having these intimate conversations, it’s important to figure out exactly what you’re in agreement on, and where you’re not. If one of you is totally 100% gung-ho to open up the relationship, but the other isn’t, it’s probably not a good idea to force the issue just yet. Success with open relationships comes from both couples having a clear and equal say in the relationship. Pay attention to any nagging intuitive feelings that you might not be ready for this yet. If you’re not, you may end up resenting the decision, or your partner.
Set detailed ground rules.
Once you’ve agreed to move forward and open up a relationship, it’s important to set clear rules. The more detailed, the better. This will help prevent unexpected consequences later on. When exactly is it OK to hookup with another sex partner? Is it something you will always notify the other about, or no? Are you agreeing to always do something together, or being on your own is OK too? How far can things go? Some couples might say oral sex is OK, but anal intercourse is too personal and, therefore, off-limits. Again, details are key!
Be clear you are still 100% on board, and create an “out clause.”
It’s never too late to change your mind. Before you finally seal the deal and open up your relationship, check in with yourself and make sure one more time that you don’t have any lingering doubts. If you ignore that hesitation, but move forward anyway, you may find yourself in over your head and feeling jealous, hurt, angry, sad, or any number of unpleasant emotions. Be 100% clear about what you want, and make sure you 100% understand what your partner wants, as well. I often recommend my clients create an “out clause”, which basically means either partner can pull the plug on the arrangement at any moment, no hurt feelings.
Schedule check-in times to talk
Don’t forget to keep the lines of communications open. Check in with your partner on how it’s going for him or her, how you’re both feeling with an open relationship, and if any adjustments need to be made to the ground rules. You can’t overshare on this issue. By talking about it, you’re actually building intimacy, which can only help things. You may decide it’s going awesome, you feel a newfound sense of excitement and exploration, and it’s bringing you even closer to your partner. Or you may decide it’s making you feel more distant from your partner, bringing up feelings of insecurity, jealousy, or resentment. Share those feelings, as hard as it may be.
The good news is, even if an open relationship doesn’t make sense for you as a couple, there are still other ways to bring excitement into the bedroom (role play, toys, new positions, new locations, et cetera).
The bottom line: Have fun exploring!
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of Gay Therapy Space, the first online therapy platform for and by the LGBTQ community. He has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Boston College and a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.
charlie_jackpot
I couldn’t do it – I’ve seen my boyfriend chatting on Grindr and although I want to trust him it’s platonic, the thought of him having sex with someone else makes me physically sick
Jack Meoff
If your boyfriend has the Grindr app on his phone it ain’t platonic. It’s not a social network it’s very specifically a hook up app.
Gary_Gans
I have to agree with Jack Meoff on this one. Grindr is designed for one thing, and there are many reasons why I prefer to turn away from that app, and if I had a boyfriend, partner, or husband looking around on that site I would have to sit down with them and have a serious discussion about whether we could make this work. I’ve been hurt by times where this was used, and then they are returning to inform me that I should get tested because they were with an STI. After having established a monogamous relationship and realising that their promises were broken left me sick to my stomach as I would have to get tested due to their activities on hook-up sites like this.
For many couples this is a way to ‘spice up’ their sex life, but for me I can’t do it. I’m 50 years old. I came out at 15, and I had three significant relationships in my life. I also have spent my entire adult life watching so many friends die from AIDS-related illnesses that I lost count. I lived in London, NYC, and Miami Beach when it was still very early days of its resurgence and one of the best communities to be a part of prior to complete gentrification. Many that were there passed away, and some incredibly beautiful friends that I loved for who they were: amazing, uplifting, and brave souls, were lost. I don’t know how many times I was holding their hands when they left their lives, and there sometimes that I was by their side as they battled opportunistic infections with excruciating agony, and the heartbreak left me forever changed.
I’m blessed for remaining HIV-, and amazingly there are many that are still beating it, courtesy of the research and results that found medications that stopped the times when we could count with one hand the number of T-cells and their viral loads were in the tens of thousands. Many survived those early treatments that were far more deadly than HIV itself, and every day I am so grateful that they are so fortunate to have had something that allowed them to continue living a relatively normal life. But the survivor’s guilt acted as an affirmation to practise safer sex and closed off my desires to have other men as a part of the equation.
In November 2007 I was in a relationship for many years, and we were heading to marriage, but something suddenly happened to my life that changed our relationship. I developed an ultra-rare, chronic, genetic, neurodegenerative disorder called Chorea-acanthocytosis, which initially appeared as writer’s cramp, falling frequently, and muscle spasms throughout my face in the months leading into its full-on onset. I’m read Law, and that requires a lot of work, so I just brushed it off as part of getting older. Then I developed a serious illness that I assumed was something I picked up from my fiancé’s brother over Thanksgiving (I’m Brit-Dane).
Then on the morning of 27 November my fever skyrocketed, the sheets were soaked, and I could no longer talk and was having difficulties swallowing. And as the time went on I didn’t improve, and I kept trying to tell my fiancé that there was something far more serious than what was seen at that point, and he was unable to cope. That was when our intimacy ended and I remember how he was extremely mean and would frequently push me away, and then would go out to the living room to go online.
As our relationship and my health deteriorated he was suddenly coming home from work later, and was incredibly detached and projecting so many anger at me that it lead to our break-up. Prior to that our GP (primary care doctor) allowed me to come into the doctor’s surgery as I was desperate to find a diagnosis, and our doctor just told me “are you still practising safer-sex” which startled me. He then said that he felt I should be very careful about intimacy in the future with him. It wasn’t long after that when we broke up.
It is close to ten years since I developed my disorder, and I am one of 35 globally registered with this disorder. Treatments are solely to minimise the severe pain from this, and I am back in the UK for the past nine years. I have only had one brief affair, but meeting others is difficult. I have many capabilities, including great sex, as that affair that came from NYC to see me (we knew each other in the past.) Dating has been elusive, and now with my attempts to meet someone is failing. After all, dating a man that can’t walk is challenging, and most treat me with exclusion.
That has been a very difficult and lonely issue, because many people, including those I thought were friends, have disappeared. And if someone would be able to look beyond the few challenges and would be a empathetic and compassionate potential I would be thrilled at the opportunity. But if I do meet someone I need to consider that I might not be enough for another man to be satisfied sexually, so I am questioning many issues, including monogamy, and it is not easy because the first hurdle is finding someone that will consider a relationship with me. At this point I will just do my best to think positively about the future, and when that day arises when I meet someone that loves me we will have to see if he is still willing to set boundaries when I am enough or whether he would desire something more. It’s all very daunting, but I hope that my hopes will not need to address that issue. I wish you well.
batesmotel
Something suspicious about that. Being on Grindr doesn’t necessarily mean he’s doing more than chatting, but it’s not Facebook. It’s a hook up app with lonely, horny, or both looking to be fulfilled. If it were a heterosexual couple and the girl is just “chatting” with a bunch of single ready to mingle straight men on an app, I don’t know many straight guys that will be, “Nah it’s cool. She’s just chatting with them is all.” Right.
Billysees
” I couldn’t do it … ”
Sounds like the best possible answer to me.
michel_banen
Nah, not the slightest desire to do so. I’ve been with my (first) boyfriend for over 20 years now and why would I want someone else that does NOT know how to please me ?
Gary_Gans
I could not agree more, michel_banen!
KaiserVonScheiss
Well said, and congrats.
batesmotel
Congrats man. You value and honor one another.
Alan down in Florida
Bravo to you and your boyfriend. 20 years is a major achievement. However I can’t let your question “why would I want someone else that does NOT know how to please me?” go unremarked upon. How do you know that they would NOT know how to please you? Did your boyfriend know how to please you from the outset or has 20 years together allowed you to train him in what pleases you? Have you worked your way through The Joy Of Gay Sex and the Gay Kama Sutra so that you know everything that might please you? Your assumption that a different partner would not know how to please you is, to me, worrisome.
When I came out my three closest friends were all in relationships of over 25 years. Now 25 years later they are all married to different men than they were with when I came out. Even long term relationships can fail. If you assume no one else can please you how will you go forward if your relationship falls apart or (God forbid) something happens to your partner?
No two couples’ sex is exactly the same. Just because you’ve found one who pleases you doesn’t mean someone else couldn’t please you more. In fact that is the ticking time bomb of open relationships – that adding someone new introduces the possibility that YOU WILL or HE WILL find someone who pleases more. Never underestimate the appeal of novelty.
Someone else can please you as much if not more than your partner. I don’t recommend going out and searching for him but that knowledge will help you recover if something happens to your relationship, which I hope never happens to you.
Billysees
” Nah, not the slightest desire to do so…why would I want someone else… ”
Another very great answer.
Daniel M
Thinking of opening up your relationship? Stay out of monogamous relationships in the first place if you think there’s a chance you’ll NEED to “open it up”. I’ve seen lots of open relationships survive the long haul (mine has flourished for almost 25 years) but only a few have comfortably survived the transition from monogamy to open-relationship.
The key to making it work, actually, is that both partners agree absolutely (and probably from the beginning) that sexual exclusivity isn’t a basis for the relationship. People who think that sex is the ultimate expression of trust and intimacy are probably terrible candidates for open relationships. Often, people who prefer open relationships are criticized for being “sex crazy” – when the truth is that, for us, sex simply isn’t that big a deal. It’s just sex. Intimacy, for us, is measured in companionability (which, in the long run, is probably more persistent than sexual attraction, anyway) and trust is won over time and experience with each other.
Soulforce1
I couldn’t have said it better, Daniel M. My first gay relationship was (supposedly) monogamous and ended badly when I discovered the truth. I realized early on that in relationships expectations matter. I would rather my partner and I stay together because we want to stay together not because of whom we do or do not choose to have sex with. For the past 26 years, I have happily and successfully structured my relationships from the outset such that the expectation is non-exclusivity rather than monogamy. If monogamy is practiced by either partner, it is done voluntarily and without an expectation that the other partner also become monogamous. Open communication is essential, as is the understanding that jealousy as an emotional symptom of insecurity. Discover the root of the insecurity and deal with it, then suddenly jealousy is no longer an issue.
Paco
If you are into open relationships, then go for it.
Just be prepared for the possibility that all the people you are inviting in could end up becoming your replacement. It happens and all the communication in the world can’t stop someone from deciding they have a new “favorite”.
Jack Meoff
Couldn’t agree more. That’s why most people are afraid of open relationships or freak out if they have been cheated on. It’s not really about the sex but rather that they are afraid of being replaced.
Gary_Gans
So true. It’s like they are never fulfilled by one man. They are always looking for Mr Perfect, and they keep jumping from one relationship to another because they are addicted to those early days when you just can’t get enough of each other, and then when that amazing time has run it’s course they start looking for the next one to give them that “fix” of those early days of limerence and carnal lust. Often they confuse limerence with love. Not for me.
natekerchel
Everyone has a right to express themselves in whatever way they want to within their relationship, but I would not be able to have an ‘open’ one. If it was just for sexual pleasure then I would find that a bit insulting that my partner is indicating that I cannot satisfy him in that way. If it is not primarily about sex then I would be asking what are friends for? We have friends who each bring different things to our relationships for one or both partners. You don’t need an ‘open’ relationship for that. My feeling is that those ‘open’ relationships are mostly about sex. The danger,of course, is that one or other of the partners develops feelings of more than sexual desire for the third person. I am sure that there are examples of ‘open’ relationships working for the people involved, but my feeling is that it causes more sadness and upset than genuine growth and happiness. But maybe I am wrong.
Prax07
I could never be able to be in an open relationship. I’m all about monogamous relationships. If I’m not enough then I won’t be just a portion.
Billysees
” If I’m not enough then I won’t be just a portion. ”
Well said.
miserylovedme24
I have no interest in an open relationship, but my partner and I have brought in a third guy for a bit of fun a few times. Honestly, this might sound weird, but it’s sort of a shared hobby for us. lol We enjoy checking out guys together and once in a while going further than checking them out. Personally I think it’s healthy. There’s no point in pretending that you could never find another person attractive just because you’re in a relationship. We’re secure enough with each other that we know this is just a little fun and nothing more.
Heywood Jablowme
I like that. A simple rule with that is to do occasional three-ways ONLY when you’re visiting a faraway city. Not where you live. Like the saying, what happens in Vegas (SF / NOLA / Amsterdam / wherever) stays there & expectations stay simple & fun.
KaiserVonScheiss
I’m still of the opinion that monogamy is the way to go. Open relationships will breed jealousy. It’s human nature to be jealous.
Sexual relationships should be special, meaningful. An open relationship will sour the relationship with your partner. Sex should be an intimate, special moment. It’s simply not special if you share it with multiple people.
Sex is good, but like all things, it needs moderation. Open relationships are just an excuse give way to the appetites and live a promiscuous life. Promiscuity is a vice, not a virtue.
ChrisK
Lord. You go oh righteous one.
Billysees
Wow…a really nice comment. Post it where many more can read it. Good advice.
Frank
1. WEAR A CONDOM AT ALL TIMES IF YOU OPEN UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP
2. SCHEDULE MONTHLY TESTS, SEE THE RESULTS, DO NOT TRUST THEIR WORD
3. PROTECT YOUR ASSETS
4. BE READY THAT IT WILL AFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IN MORE WAYS THAN YOU EVER ANTICIPATED
5. ACCEPT THAT YOU MAY END UP SINGLE SOONER THAN ANTICIPATED
Billysees
” 5. ACCEPT THAT YOU MAY END UP SINGLE SOONER THAN ANTICIPATED ”
Cute…and probably full of truth.
Donston
I’ve always had monogamous instincts, even when I was dating women. I cheated once in my early 20’s, but I knew I didn’t want to be with my mate and broke it off quickly after. Sex doesn’t equate to intimacy and feelings but it frequently does evolve into that no matter how much you try to convince yourself it won’t.
I don’t see not having sex with other people as any real sacrifice. My husband and I have a solid, varied sex life even with a couple kids. If you’re truly able to love someone, commit yourself to someone, be completely real with someone, get rid of all your narcissistic and megalomaniac instincts for someone- then monogamy isn’t some major compromise. I still find other guys attractive, but I just have no real desire to “feeling other people’s energy”.
Of course, live your life as you will as long as you’re being honest with yourself and your partner/s. But just like some gays claim that “slut shamming” is a thing in our “community” so is treating people who want to have down to Earth, monogamous homo relationships as prudes or as an act of hetero-normalcy or pretending that their lifestyle choice is somehow progressive or superior.
mastik8
Out of all the long term relationships I’m familiar with, including mine, only one is monogamous and both of them in that relationship come to me separately and tell me they’d like to open it up. It’s sex, not love. Lighten up.
Donston
And this is what I mean with my last paragraph.
natekerchel
I am the opposite – most of the people I know in long term relationships – including me and my partner – are monogamous. There have been the occasional relationship couples on the periphery who have not been, but they have been the exception. No one makes any kind of judgement about it – its everyone’s choice to do what they feel best. The only thing that irritates me is when some of those people try and deny that the main motivation is sex – probably because they think people will make judgements. What other people do in their own bedrooms is not my concern, but if they are going to share their story with me as a friend then I prefer honesty.
batesmotel
I don’t know any couples that are sleeping with other people on the side. Don’t know who you hang out with.
GayEGO
My lifetime partner of 55 years, married almost 13 years, hit a few bumps in the beginning, but we enjoy our relationship too much to share it with another as it is more than just about sex.
chuck
Great article, thanks. One thing needs to be made clear. Love and sex are completely different things. You can be emotionally committed and still have “sport sex” or whatever one calls it. Sex in a relationship is a fine meal and uncommitted sex is junk food.
Soulforce1
I totally agree, Chuck. I call it “recreational sex” and it fits my need for some variety in sexual situations.
Soulforce1
GayEGO, I often hear people say that relationships are more than just sex and use this as a justification why monogamy is essential to a successful long term relationship. However, by my logic and experience, if a successful long term relationship is more than just sex, then why does an occasional sexual adventure or foray outside the relationship really have any bearing on the relationship at all? I know people in healthy long term relationships where the partners are no longer sexual with one another. Those relationships are most certainly not based on sex and rest assured those partners are having sex with other outside partners.
He BGB
As my late partner noted: men are w*hores.
batesmotel
LOL. Is this for real or a parody? If you’re actually thinking about opening up your relationship, then your relationship is no longer a real relationship. It is OVER. End it peacefully and move on chasing endless mounds of new tail with no feeling so that you’re satisfied.
MediaGuy
Yeah, open relationship? That will never work. I had one for a while, it started and ended as an open situation. I was replaced. My boyfriend met the love of his life. It ended civally. The new guy died, and we’re still friends, but not sexual friends.
I had a closed relationship too. It was great. We agreed to get tested and then we had a few years of fantastic unprotected sex. This boy was a power bottom. Brasilian. (figures, right). I never had such great sex with anyone. Too bad, that ended too. I miss the sex and the companionship.
Opening up a relationship is just one step in having it disintegrate into oblivion. Good luck with that shit. It ain’t gonna work out.