Waxworks

Zac Efron’s new wax figure wants to drink your soul

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Good evening, and welcome to Madame Tussaud’s midnight tour. My name’s Derek and I’ll be your guide for the evening. Allow me to take the time to politely discourage each of you from taking any flash photography during the next hour and a half, and please let’s all stick together and not break away from the group. There is safety in numbers, after all…

Here we have Jack the Ripper, the still-unidentified serial killer who terrorized the Whitechapel district of London in 1888. With a knife very much like the one you see before you, he savagely gutted at least five women, leaving their gored remains on the cold cobblestone to be found by unsuspecting pedestrians…

Next up, we have Albert W. Hicks, by all accounts the kindest deep-water sailor you could hope to meet in 1860… until the fateful day he took an ax to three of his cohorts while aboard the oyster sloop A.E. Johnson, subsequently throwing their blood-soaked remains into the cold blue sea…

This is Candy, my adjunct and apprentice tour guide, whose background in European history and particular interest in the French Revolution makes her an essential part of the team.

Of course, no midnight waxwork tour would be complete without an appearance by Henri Désiré Landru, the French serial killer hailed as a real-life Bluebeard, who killed 10 women between 1914 and 1919, burning their dismembered bodies in the oven so that police had no clue what had become of them…

And then we have… um…

Sorry, I don’t recall this statue ever being part of the exhibit before… Perhaps Candy can fill you in on some details while I consult my file cards.

Everyone please remain calm as we form in a single file line and head towards the the emergency exit to–

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