The Definitive Queerty Underwear Guide

While a dozen roses is always nice, the best gift you can give to your beloved this Valentine’s Day is the one that gives back—and nothing says “I’d like to take your clothes off” like a nice pair of underwear. We ran a random sampling (thanks Queerty Twitter followers!) to find out what your favorite brands are and threw in a few of our favorites as well, making it easy for you to choose the right kind of granny panties for your special guy.

Bike Jockstrap

While we got a few recommendations for Champion’s brand of jock – “because they’re not everywhere” – the Bike jock remains the gold standard for jocks. For our money, the jockstrap may be the perfect underwear—it conjures up memories of the gym locker room, provides easy access and supports your goods the same way a bra helps the ladies out. You don’t want to wear these with rough denim since you’ll chafe, but a pair of jocks underneath a nice suit makes for excellent contrast and a great surprise. Avoid “fashion jocks” at all cost; it’ll kill the ‘macho dude’ vibe.

Who It’s For: For some reason, skinny white boys seem to all harbor a secret (or not-so-secret) jockstrap fetish, which probably comes from years of lusting for the high school jock. Put one in a jock and let him think he’s one for guaranteed results.

What It Says: “Hey bro, wanna meet up after practice?”

Calvin Klein ‘Steel’ Brief

As our Morning Goods monkeys know, there’s not a male model alive without a pic or two of him filling out the Calvin Klein Steel. It’s all about the wide fashion-forward waistband, which is sleek and provides an almost neoprene-like fit. Yes, you’ve got a giant “Calvin Klein” running across your waist, but if it worked for Marty McFly, why can’t it work for you?

Who It’s For: Models or guys who think they’re models, which means basically everyone.

What It Says: “Won’t you be my trophy boyfriend?”

American Apparel Baby Rib Brief

Ridiculously fun and manufactured in Los Angeles, the American Apparel brief comes in over 30 colors, including fluorescent flavors and pink. Anti-branding boys will appreciate its classic, almost platonic form. Devoid of logos and super-cheap ($12 a pair) [Ed: What are we paying you?], it’s easy to put together a bouquet of undies for your man. These have become our everyday underwear, and while it’s super-gay to choose underwear which color-coordinates with your outfit, it’s also super-satisfying.

Who It’s For: If you were to hop off the L train and walk around Williamsburg with X-ray glasses, you’d see the scruffy hipster masses clad in a rainbow cornucopia of American Apparel briefs.

What It Says: “After we finish this can of Pabst, I’m taking you home, putting on some guilty-pleasure Fall Out Boy and fucking your brains out.”

n2n Blue Boxer

While we know guys who wear boxers, most of them are straight or questioning. And, as a gift, a pair of boxers says one thing: “I really want to be your Aunt Edna.” That said, the latest line by n2n transforms the boxer into something altogether spectacular. Technically, these are boxer briefs, but with the superior package tailoring, contrast stitching and in this year’s shade of blue (like robin’s egg, but deeper), whose going to quibble?

Who It’s For: Corporate raiders, real-estate agents, desk jockeys.

What It Says: “We’ve been together forever, but I still know how to turn-up the heat.”

Blume Briefs

We’ve never heard of Blume underwear before researching this article, but we’re totally smitten. Primarily a women’s lingerie manufacturer, Blume also offers a line of personalized briefs for $30. Each pair gets a gas station attendant-style patch with your nom de guerre on the side that marks the pair as uniquely yours. It’s cute, it’s clever, we want ‘em.

Who It’s For: Your name here.

What It Says: “Please stop losing your underwear when you take two hours to go ‘walk the dog.’”

Hanro

If you think the Swiss are precise about their watches, just wait to you see what they can do with underwear. Hanro manufacturers a line of underwear with more specs than you’d find on an atom smasher. “E54″ cotton structure? Check. Mercerized PIMA cotton yard? Check. Seamless construction? Check. Opaqueness “despite incredible lightness”? Check. We know of a young Hollywood producer who swears by these and since slipping them on, refuses to wear anything else.

Who It’s For: Picky guys, the man who has everything, underwear connoisseurs.

What It Says: “You have incredible taste in underwear—and I have incredible taste in men.”

AussieBum Highlander Mackenzie

As we mentioned earlier, boxers are inherently unsexy, which is why AussieBum refuses to even mention that its tartan inspired underwear is, well, a pair of boxers. Leave it to the Aussies to keep the basic idea of a boxer and make it sublimely sexy. The length of the trouser portion has been lifted to go-go short proportions and the cut is form-fitting in the places most boxers are baggy. A short digression on the AussieBum line in general: They’re gay-owned and operated, they’ve done the whole 2xist thing where they’ve jumped from being a gay niche brand to being a mainstream one and we love the company’s attitude, both in its clothes and in its marketing.

Who It’s For: As the slogan goes, “If you don’t think you can handle it, wear something else.” AussieBum really is cut for the beefy and muscular and booty-endowed.

What It Says: “Let’s go to the gym, pretend we’re in a Mentos commercial and then get fresh in the showers.”

D&G Dolce & Gabbana Glory Days Brando Brief

Some people are label whores and for them, there’s Italian manufacturer D&G, which isn’t content with merely slapping a logo on a pair of underwear and calling it a day. The company actually goes to some lengths to create cool collections that reflect their seasonal lines. Case in point is the Glory Days Brando Brief, the sort of thing a much younger Marlon might wear on the Amalfi coast or something. Whatever, it looks hot and that’s the point.

Who It’s For: Again, label whores. Possibly boys from Jersey looking to impress.

What It Says: “Yo, wanna go to my place and talk about movies or some shit?” Or perhaps: “Oh my god, my underwear is totally D&G. Wanna see?”

Let us know what brands you’d want to recieve? What turns you on? Classic? Bold, Bright? Thong?