Seeing Detox get sent home was tough, but hearing Roxxxy complain afterward is even tougher. Her whining makes me want to abandon her at a bus stop. (Too soon?) Not that she’s content to keep her negative emotions to herself. Like peanut butter, she has negativity to spread around, and I bet you’ll never guess who she shares it with. Jinkx! (Did you shout that at your screen like Dora the Explorer? Please say you did.) If you love hearing a bitter underperformer snipe at her highly praised rival, then this is just the broken record for you! While the others squabble, Alaska perches sourly on a table like a hairless cat that is none too happy to have been dressed in frilly panties. We’re in a bad mood today, aren’t we, Miss Kitty? Does someone need a treat?
The following day, spirits are no brighter. Detox manages to throw shade from beyond the grave by pointedly not leaving a note for Jinkx, though Roxxxy dives in with the assist by narrating what she assumes would have been written. It’s a good thing she found drag, because she’s not cut out for the greeting card industry. Ru, of course, would be a natural. Her final installment in this season’s series of SheMail videos makes me wish she would drag up all my communications. Like, imagine how much better work emails would be. “Girl, your project must have skipped a pill, because it’s LATE.”
The rest of the episode is so jam packed with queenly goodness that there’s no room for a mini-challenge. Hell, there’s not even room for a workroom appearance in Ru’s schedule, so she sends Michelle Visage on her behalf. The Noisy from Joisey explains that the girls will face a trilogy of trials not quite as epic and gay as The Lord of the Rings.
First, they’ll perform choreography for a “The Beginning” music video, because iTunes downloads are the only things keeping the lights on at Logo headquarters. Next, they’ll get all split personality and portray witness, defense attorney, and prosecutor in three courtroom scenes. Last on the docket is the chance to make their case in front of the panel (nay, the nation!), explaining why they deserve the custom-made crown. Roxxxy chimes in that this is the chance she’s been waiting for. Delicate flower that she is, she’s just been too shy and demure to ever suggest that she should win and everyone else should go home. Certainly, no cameras were ever around to document such sentiments constantly escaping her lips.
The dance lesson with Candis Cayne yields predictable problems for Alaska, who is so uneasy on her feet that I suspect she might be a clever ruse by the kids from the Snickers commercial. At least Jinkx joins her in the underdog category when hairography gets introduced. (Glee technically introduced it first, but whatever.) When you’re getting a mouthful of synthetic wig crammed down your throat by a person-sized fan, it’s nice to have company. The video shoot holds no surprises other than the fact that it’s being directed by George R. R. Martin’s malnourished younger brother. Roxxxy can lip sync at lightning speed while whipping her chiffon back and forth, and Jinkx can at least hold her own, but Alaska is as far from success as her namesake is from the contiguous 48 states.
There’s also some business with a convertible. Basement Santa explains that they’ll be driving to Heaven, but his sunken psychopath eyes suggest that it’ll be more like Thelma & Louise than Grease.
No season would be complete without a Tic Tac luncheon, so Ru takes a brief moment to check in with each of her girls and make sure she’s wrung them absolutely dry of dramatic possibilities. Jinkx realizes that her MILF character might have evolved to fill the void left by her absent mother figure, which sounds Norman Bates-ier than she maybe intended. Roxxxy reasserts her desire to represent the big girls, though the big girls in my apartment have vociferously rejected her offer. Smart little Alaska made sure to save a few tears for the end, though, and throws down some doom and gloom about her fear of dying. I hope it was just strategy; she’s not dying, is she?
Since the final challenge will involve delivering a closing argument, each of the ladies also gets to meet with Gloria Allred. The gravity with which the legendary lawyer approaches her task threatens to implode the Silver Lounge, but she manages to give each participant some sound advice before structural integrity is compromised.
Next, we’re finally given the Judge Rudy trial reenactment we’ve been promised since this season’s first preview. Roxxxy’s limited range is immediately apparent; while her competitors depict Cher on Klonopin and chicken-fried Lucille Ball, she’s delivering innovative flavors like “me” and “bitch.” Meth-Addicted Saruman is unimpressed.
Afterward, Roxxxy knows she did poorly and spews a manic diatribe attempting to justify the failure. Her assertion that she takes drag too seriously to ever laugh at it is so blatantly ridiculous that the other two can’t even find it insulting. Plus, it’s tough to see her as a threat when she’s wearing her make-up dress. Which, by the way, must reek by now. I hope the Pit Crew scrubs that thing on their washboard abs after everyone goes home at night.
On the catwalk, each contestant gives her final look and speech. Roxxxy, in green and purple paisley “sequence,” says she hopes children will look up to her (and, implicitly, not run away screaming). Her strengths, she explains, are grace and professionalism, which she shows by interrupting Alaska later. Jinkx’s look is a little bland, but her story about being an outcast and an underdog who has learned to adapt feels heartfelt. Otherworldly Alaska lays down fashion freakiness with her white lace gown and browless make-up look while rousing the crowd with a stirring oration about how she turns tragic to magic, trash to treasure, and Party City to… well, that stays Party City.
And that’s pretty much it. The deliberation is inconclusively even-handed and the lip sync to Ru’s single is excitement-free. We won’t know who wins for another two weeks! I’m suddenly able to understand Alaska’s preoccupation with an early demise. What if something kills me before the finale? I’m pretty clumsy.
To distract me from the existential dread, I’ll dole out some Award Awards!
Choreographer Candis Cayne earns herself the Old-School Scavenger Hunt Realness Prize for finding and using the Season 1 soft-focus lens during her training montage.
I present RuPaul with a Protector of Classic Houston Rock Medal for having hired a homeless member of ZZ Top to direct her latest video.
And finally, I give the writers, directors, and editors of this series a Golden Udder for really knowing how to milk this for all it’s worth. Two weeks? You’re killing me. (Not really, though! I’m serious, don’t let me die before I find out who wins.)
ON UNTUCKED: Next week, suckers.