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26 Totally Dope Things That Turned ’90s Kids Gay

Between Glee, One Direction and Lady Gaga, there’s no shortage of pop culture turing America’s upstanding, potential vag-loving boys gay. Way back in the day — like, the ’90s duh — kids had to decode a bit more if they wanted to become degenerates. Thank god so many of us did.

Here are 26 things that turned ’90s kids gay, one fore each year someone born in 1987 has been alive.

1. Zack Morris

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Who among us didn’t have a crush on this Saved By the Bell leading man child? Even better that Mark-Paul Gosselaar certainly doesn’t mind.

2. Nickelodeon Gak 

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Getting this sticky, sploogy gak all over you would become a lifelong pursuit.

3. X-Men

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A bunch of societal misfits who band together and form strong community bonds. Then fight bad guys in their underwear. Enough said.

4. Water Snakes

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Where to begin? If you could manage to keep one of these in your hands for more than 8 seconds, you’d be prepared for the slipperiest of situations life could throw you.

5. The SoloFlex Infomercial

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This revolutionary fitness product that promised a “fast, smooth pump” (seriously) should have come with a disclaimer: may cause wet dreams in questioning youth.

6. Skip-it

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The greatest thing of all was there was a counter on that god damned ball.

7. The Blue Ranger

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Now-out actor David Yost (forever dreamy blue Billy) says he was harassed on set for being gay. Must have made for some uncomfortable moments in the Megazord.

8. Pretty Pretty Princess

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Anyone with a sister who didn’t sneak into this game to put on ALL the jewelry at once is a downright liar.

9. Push Pops

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Not so subtle, marketing masterminds.

10. Leonardo DiCaprio in Growing Pains

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The same show that launched Leo’s career also left us to deal with homophobic has-been Kirk Cameron. We’ll take that deal any day.

11. Little Nemo

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A sweet, nightmare-prone boy goes on a quest in his pj’s to assuage his daddy issues. Oh, and there are like a million puffy rainbow clowns along the way. If you have some time to kill and want a heavy dose of nostalgia, the entire film is available on youtube.

12. Tomogatchi

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If you currently have a dog that could fit in a handbag, chances are you had at least a few of these dangling from your JanSport.

13. Ouija Boards

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You may have asked if Brittany (or Stacy, Ashley, Morgan or Alexis) had a crush on you when your friends were over, but when they left you made the same inquiry about Tyler (or Justin, Kyle, Cody or Cameron). Also, one word: Coven.

14. Calvin Klein 

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Kids in the ’90s couldn’t be caught dead rocking tighty-whities in the locker room. That sure didn’t stop them from dreaming.

15. Bananas in Pajamas  

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They came down stairs, in pairs, chasing teddy bears, ’cause on Tuesdays they tried to catch them unawares. Soo what you’re saying is…there’s a Tuesday night bear party at The Eagle I should be going to?

16. Strawberry Shortcake and Rainbow Bright

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One rode a unicorn and the other an organic tricycle, but their impacts couldn’t have been more similar.

17. WWF

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All the theatrics of a Liberace concert and the skin of an A&F quarterly, while still a socially acceptable obsession for a 10 year old boy.

18. Glitter Magic Wands

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Casting spells on bullies worldwide.

19. The Angry Beavers

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Subliminal cartoon programming to infiltrate young impressionable minds.

20. Tinky-Winky

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Cute bag, girl.

21. Sky Dancers

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Countless hours of entertainment and a valuable lesson in twirling.

22. Trolls

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There’s a pink one, and a green one, and a blue one and a yellow one. And they’re all pretty gay.

23. The Gromble from Ahh! Real Monsters

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Femme voice? Check. Phallic nose? Check. Two pairs of matching red high heels? Check. Favorite character on the show? Absolutely.

24. Barbie Power Wheels

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You were the envy of the cul de sac once you got behind the wheel of this bodacious ride.

25. Disney Princesses

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You can sing every word to Part of Your World and A Whole New World, and wished for a world where your dress-up box had Jasmine’s cute two-piece.

 

AND FINALLY….

 

26. THE INTERNET

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Kids in the ’90s had the unique, insane experience of witnessing the birth of the information age as they were coming of age. We’re talking creepy AOL chatrooms, secret online boyfriends, and all the internet porn your 56k modem could handle. Talk about a game changer.

By:           Dan Tracer
On:           Feb 16, 2014
Tagged: , , ,
  • 28 Comments
    • balehead
      balehead

      These don’t turn kids gay…just the sad queens….

      Feb 16, 2014 at 10:58 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • hudson
      hudson

      lol
      these didn’t turn us gay, but they certainly held a certain intrigue to us then youngsters trying to find ourselves.

      Feb 16, 2014 at 11:19 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • the other Greg
      the other Greg

      Oh I’m sure Kirk Cameron turned some boys gay. How he must hate that. :)

      Feb 16, 2014 at 11:36 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kieran
      Kieran

      I think you need to speak for yourself Dan. You seem to confuse being gay with being an effeminate flower. Not all boys who grew up gay wanted to put on “Pretty Princess” jewelery or ride a “Barbie Power Wheels”. Stop perpetuating homophobic stereotypes.

      Feb 16, 2014 at 11:48 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Black Pegasus
      Black Pegasus

      I remember fantasizing about the soloflex models lol. Still can’t believe how ridiculously expensive those machines were back then.

      Feb 16, 2014 at 11:52 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cagnazzo82
      Cagnazzo82

      Um… How did you manage to leave Baywatch off the list?

      Lol, those shirtless abs running on the beach definitely had me questioning a few things :)

      (Also, I would give a nod to Xena and Buffy for the les side. Although I was a big fan too)

      Feb 16, 2014 at 12:13 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • crazycorgi
      crazycorgi

      Here are 26 things that turned ’90s kids gay, one fore each year someone born in 1987 has been alive

      Wow, I guess that the right-wingers have been correct all along, I guess the “liberal media” is responsible for indoctrinating and recruiting people into the “gay lifestyle”. Here all this time I thought that I was born gay, but I guess I was deluding myself, I was a victim of the “gay agenda”.

      I find it extremely insulting to read words such as these on a website that is supposed to be gay positive suggesting that kids in the ’90s were “turned gay”. I would expect to see something like this on a site for One Million Moms, or any other GOTP website.

      Nice to see that Queerty has been hijacked by the right-wing propaganda machine that insists that being gay is a choice, or that we are somehow recruited.

      Feb 16, 2014 at 12:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Homophile
      Homophile

      I see all the self hating queens are out in full force this morning.

      Feb 16, 2014 at 12:32 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • zaneymcbanes
      zaneymcbanes

      Great list!

      Feb 16, 2014 at 12:32 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BBellairs
      BBellairs

      @crazycorgi, I think you need to look up the word “satire” in the dictionary. While you are at it, look up “sarcasm” too!

      Feb 16, 2014 at 12:53 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Chris
      Chris

      I know it’s a joke but I also don’t think using that wording is very smart… Not everyone can get sarcasm from text.
      :D I also hate perpetuated stereotypes, maybe it’s just me but calling something “pretty gay” is insulting and reminds me of high school.

      Ps: No Furbys???

      Oh and “for” is misspelt… Unless it was intentional :)

      Rant over.

      Feb 16, 2014 at 1:04 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Captain proton
      Captain proton

      I don’t know why, but I’m getting an urge to buy one of those glitter wands (which are still readily available on Ebay)

      Feb 16, 2014 at 1:14 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tracy Pope
      Tracy Pope

      Funny list.

      I broke one of those water snakes trying to, well, you know… ;-)

      Feb 16, 2014 at 1:25 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Niall
      Niall

      WWF definitely. It was actually one of the first things that made me realize my appreciation for the male form, even though today, I can’t stand the WWE and I’m not so much into guys with the bulky, muscley, wrestling build

      Feb 16, 2014 at 1:31 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Stache1
      Stache1

      I’m surprised they didn’t pick Mario Lopez from Saved by the Bell. Maybe it became more obvious later on.

      Feb 16, 2014 at 2:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • NateOcean
      NateOcean

      Last, but not least, “AOL”.

      And remember, without AOL, we wouldn’t have AOL-inches!

      Feb 16, 2014 at 2:21 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • thesmart1
      thesmart1

      Yo, I spent a lot of time with the Solo Flex dude. I was in love with him.

      Feb 16, 2014 at 2:51 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • boring
      boring

      Nostalgia is gross for people who realize they’re going to die so they have to retreat in their childhood. Just about everything listed here is genuine garbage not worth revisiting.

      Including the Internet.

      Feb 16, 2014 at 3:05 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • gaym50ish
      gaym50ish

      How could they leave out the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog?

      Feb 16, 2014 at 3:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • KittyLitter
      KittyLitter

      I thought water snakes were sex toys. The predecessor for fleshlights.

      Feb 16, 2014 at 3:45 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • JohnnyCorby
      JohnnyCorby

      Didn’t the Solo Flex dude end up doing gay porn? Or was it the Nordicflex gold guys?

      Feb 16, 2014 at 6:33 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tracy Pope
      Tracy Pope

      @JohnnyCorby: Do you mean Scott Madsen? He was the original model – and apparently homophobic. I think it was different models in the 90s though.

      I don’t know if the machines really worked well but the infomercials were way more interesting than strawberry shortcake commercials!

      Feb 16, 2014 at 7:04 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ppp111
      ppp111

      @Tracy Pope:
      I tempted to say the second model is Randy Potter but I’m not certain. Scott Madsen was in the mid to late 80s. I know there was a second model in the 1990s.

      Feb 16, 2014 at 7:16 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Respect4all
      Respect4all

      @Kieran:@crazycorgi: @boring: Get a sense of humor. This is obviously meant to be funny. You don’t have to appreciate the humor, but don’t take it so seriously. Lighten up.

      Feb 16, 2014 at 7:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • BillZaumen
      BillZaumen

      #20: Teletubbies? Remember when Jerry Falwell was excoriated for suggesting that was “gay propaganda”? Why include it on this list and feed that ridiculous sentiment?

      Feb 17, 2014 at 1:19 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Stache1
      Stache1

      @BillZaumen: Yeah, lets not show the Teletubbies lest they think we really were using them for gay PR.

      Like it or not they were part of the 90’s and who gives a sh** about what JF thought. The joke was on him.

      Feb 17, 2014 at 3:44 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mezaien
      Mezaien

      THE ONLY THING THAT MAKE ME HOMO, IS FUCKING CHRISTIANITY.

      Feb 17, 2014 at 8:33 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Bob LaBlah
      Bob LaBlah

      Though I was in my 20’s at the time the show was on (Saved by the Bell) I always felt Mark-Paul Gosselaar got pushed to the side in favor of that little Mexican queen Mario Lopez. I used to pray there would be an episode with him wearing a pair of tight speedo’s.

      In my day Casper the friendly ghost, Doctor Smith and Uncle Arthur (along with Maude) had a lot to do with me realizing I was gay. The negative comments from my sanctimonious family also helped as well.

      Feb 17, 2014 at 7:51 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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