Between Glee, One Direction and Lady Gaga, there’s no shortage of pop culture turing America’s upstanding, potential vag-loving boys gay. Way back in the day — like, the ’90s duh — kids had to decode a bit more if they wanted to become degenerates. Thank god so many of us did.
Here are 26 things that turned ’90s kids gay, one fore each year someone born in 1987 has been alive.
1. Zack Morris
Who among us didn’t have a crush on this Saved By the Bell leading
man child? Even better that Mark-Paul Gosselaar certainly doesn’t mind.
2. Nickelodeon Gak
Getting this sticky, sploogy gak all over you would become a lifelong pursuit.
A bunch of societal misfits who band together and form strong community bonds. Then fight bad guys in their underwear. Enough said.
4. Water Snakes
Where to begin? If you could manage to keep one of these in your hands for more than 8 seconds, you’d be prepared for the slipperiest of situations life could throw you.
5. The SoloFlex Infomercial
This revolutionary fitness product that promised a “fast, smooth pump” (seriously) should have come with a disclaimer: may cause wet dreams in questioning youth.
The greatest thing of all was there was a counter on that god damned ball.
7. The Blue Ranger
Now-out actor David Yost (forever dreamy blue Billy) says he was harassed on set for being gay. Must have made for some uncomfortable moments in the Megazord.
8. Pretty Pretty Princess
Anyone with a sister who didn’t sneak into this game to put on ALL the jewelry at once is a downright liar.
9. Push Pops
Not so subtle, marketing masterminds.
10. Leonardo DiCaprio in Growing Pains
11. Little Nemo
A sweet, nightmare-prone boy goes on a quest in his pj’s to assuage his daddy issues. Oh, and there are like a million puffy rainbow clowns along the way. If you have some time to kill and want a heavy dose of nostalgia, the entire film is available on youtube.
If you currently have a dog that could fit in a handbag, chances are you had at least a few of these dangling from your JanSport.
13. Ouija Boards
You may have asked if Brittany (or Stacy, Ashley, Morgan or Alexis) had a crush on you when your friends were over, but when they left you made the same inquiry about Tyler (or Justin, Kyle, Cody or Cameron). Also, one word: Coven.
14. Calvin Klein
Kids in the ’90s couldn’t be caught dead rocking tighty-whities in the locker room. That sure didn’t stop them from dreaming.
15. Bananas in Pajamas
They came down stairs, in pairs, chasing teddy bears, ’cause on Tuesdays they tried to catch them unawares. Soo what you’re saying is…there’s a Tuesday night bear party at The Eagle I should be going to?
16. Strawberry Shortcake and Rainbow Bright
One rode a unicorn and the other an organic tricycle, but their impacts couldn’t have been more similar.
All the theatrics of a Liberace concert and the skin of an A&F quarterly, while still a socially acceptable obsession for a 10 year old boy.
18. Glitter Magic Wands
Casting spells on bullies worldwide.
19. The Angry Beavers
Subliminal cartoon programming to infiltrate young impressionable minds.
Cute bag, girl.
21. Sky Dancers
Countless hours of entertainment and a valuable lesson in twirling.
There’s a pink one, and a green one, and a blue one and a yellow one. And they’re all pretty gay.
23. The Gromble from Ahh! Real Monsters
Femme voice? Check. Phallic nose? Check. Two pairs of matching red high heels? Check. Favorite character on the show? Absolutely.
24. Barbie Power Wheels
You were the envy of the cul de sac once you got behind the wheel of this bodacious ride.
25. Disney Princesses
You can sing every word to Part of Your World and A Whole New World, and wished for a world where your dress-up box had Jasmine’s cute two-piece.
26. THE INTERNET
Kids in the ’90s had the unique, insane experience of witnessing the birth of the information age as they were coming of age. We’re talking creepy AOL chatrooms, secret online boyfriends, and all the internet porn your 56k modem could handle. Talk about a game changer.