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Raising My Rainbow
Raising My Rainbow

And Now A Message From C.J.’s Dad, The Ex-Bully

Raising My Rainbow is written by the mother of a slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous son. She’s chronicling their journey on Queerty right here. Read up on RMR‘s cast of characters.


C.J. and his Dad on the first day of school.

People often ask me how C.J.’s Dad feels about raising a slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous son. Here’s the answer in his own words. Muah, C.J.’s Mom

As I walked through the door after a long day at work dealing with the worst society has to offer, I stood at the threshold of my home and stared at C.J. Then I snapped a glance at my wife. A “what the hell” glance. She gave me the “settle down” glance that only she is allowed to give me. I watched my son as he sat cross-legged on the floor trying his best to put clothes on a naked Barbie. That was my introduction to C.J.’s newfound friends and the toys that would cause many late night discussions between me and my wife.

The first time I saw him playing with a doll it definitely brought some uncomfortable feelings to the surface. I had to determine how I was going to handle the situation and I have learned — with age and fatherhood — that my first reaction isn’t always the best one to show to my children. Instead of making the smart ass comment that immediately came to mind, I sat with C.J. on the floor.

“What do ya’ got there buddy?” I said.

The look he gave me as he held up Barbie for me to see was priceless and I will never forget it. His eyes lit up and a huge smile crossed his face. He was so excited as he described the doll to me and his brain was traveling so fast that his mouth couldn’t keep up. I couldn’t understand a word that he said, but I got the drift.

“This is the best toy ever, Dad. I have been waiting for something like this forever. Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Of course he said none of that, but, as his father, I knew what he meant.

Since that day my son has loved dolls, princesses and anything pink or purple. Although I will admit at times it has been frustrating, I would not change my son in any way. I know that if this continues he will be forced into uncomfortable situations and have to deal with bullies and taunts. It scares me but I also know that I will protect my son better than anyone else (not including my wife, she is a lioness). If I don’t protect my children who will? My job is not to fight their fights for them, but to protect them and give them weapons to defend themselves.


C.J. and his Dad getting their Summertime on in Laguna

I am well aware of the adversities and obstacles they will face from bullies — because I used to be one. I fear that punishment for my past sins is going to have to be endured by my son. As an adolescent, I was the captain of my high school’s baseball and football teams. A role I took on proudly as a leader in athletic ability and aggressive, dominating attitude. Unfortunately, these attributes don’t make you a great leader and I failed in many aspects. I can remember taunting and doing my best to dominate others on the field to show my superiority. I look back now and I am scared and embarrassed of how I would have treated a teammate like C.J. My goal now is to protect my sons from people like me.

As they get older this may become more difficult, but as my children grow and mature I will change and adapt to their interests. I’m not going to lie and say this has been easy for me. Isn’t it the goal of any father to give their children the carefree happy childhood they’ve only seen on TV? The toys C.J. plays with and the TV shows he likes to watch don’t define him. His character defines him and it is my job to mold and shape his character into a strong, courageous individual.

People have asked me if I treat C.J. differently than his brother. If they are friends, I always ask them if they think I do. They always say that I don’t. Truth is, if they said that I did, I would feel like a failure to my son. No, I don’t treat my children any differently. They are into different things, so I get excited about their differences and unique behaviors. I don’t play favorites and both of my boys know that. I play baseball and basketball with my 7-year-old and sit on the floor and fumble my fingers putting dresses on dolls with my 4-year-old.

By:           Raising My Rainbow is written by the mother of a slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous son. Visit RaisingMyRainbow.com.
On:           Mar 23, 2011
Tagged: , , , , ,
  • 87 Comments
    • Vatican Lokey
      Vatican Lokey

      This is just beautiful. It made me cry, not only because this is a dad who dearly loves his son, but because it proves that people can and do change for the better.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 10:11 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Josh
      Josh

      Beautiful story. CJ is very lucky.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 10:50 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Paul
      Paul

      Thank you, this is beautiful!

      Mar 23, 2011 at 10:58 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      What a great father…

      And as a note to him. A Huge amount of the stress that gay kids can go through is the fear of non-acceptance by their parents. Just just be being cool with your son like you are, you’re taking a lot of future pressure off.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 11:04 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Andreusz
      Andreusz

      CJ clearly has brilliant parents.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 11:08 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ken
      Ken

      Reading that just made my day.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 11:59 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Juan
      Juan

      I have to say, I have been following this blog for a while because it’s so unique and honest. Thank you so much to both of you for opening up and sharing your family experiences with us. I read your post and hope I can be as good as a father to my kids as you seem to be with yours. If we could just respect each other in this world and understand we are all different and we all like different thing and we shouldn’t be forced to be one way just because it’s the “norm”, then this world would maybe finally see peace! Thank you, again.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 1:25 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mark in Noosa
      Mark in Noosa

      You’re a wonderful dad and CJ is one very lucky little boy to have you. Don’t ever change mate – CJ is on his way to growing up to be one very well adjusted and loving boy and young man.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 1:36 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • DJ
      DJ

      One of the most beautiful things in the world is a good bond between a father and his child. Great story.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 1:58 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • scott ny'er
      scott ny'er

      that’s impressive. And how it should always be with every parent.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 2:20 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Andrew
      Andrew

      So cute!

      Mar 23, 2011 at 3:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheRealAdam
      TheRealAdam

      There’s really no such thing as an “ex-bully.” Once you are a bully, you are always a bully. In another lifetime, CJ would have been the one bullying his son into self-hatred and/or suicide.

      Based on his own assertions, he is unfit to be a father raising a child like this.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 3:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • fredo777
      fredo777

      @TheRealAdam: “There’s really no such thing as an “ex-bully.” Once you are a bully, you are always a bully.”

      Absolute rubbish. People can evolve + change their views. It happens all the time.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 4:05 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dave
      Dave

      @TheRealAdam:

      What a douchebag you are! This man has made mistakes in his past, and is making up for his by teaching his children to embrace the differences between people! You said, “CJ would have been the one bullying his son into self-hatred and/or suicide” but he isn’t, is he? NO, he is teaching them to EMBRACE their true selves.

      Who the hell are you to judge this mans child rearing abilities? Here’s a clue, YOU ARE NOBODY!

      Mar 23, 2011 at 4:07 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • zacht
      zacht

      DADDY! wow this makes me smile. lotta bad news out there today but this is some good sh*^. thanks c.j.s dad! and mom ;) this is true love.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 4:15 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tommy Marx
      Tommy Marx

      What a beautiful article. Thank you for posting this.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 4:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheRealAdam
      TheRealAdam

      @fredo777: Not always. Based on the statements CJ made, such as his initial reaction to his son playing with Barbies, it’s clear that he still basically has the same kind of bully-thinking and immediate hatred of male effeminacy that characterizes his younger years. And the fact that he has the audacity to boast about his years playing baseball only confirms the way he still sees himself – and the way he no doubt secretly despises his son.

      But now, because he has a “slightly effeminate” son, all of a sudden he’s the reformed father and wants to protect him. It’s a completely shallow transformation – if anything, it is just a PC front. He no doubt still calls grown men who are similar to his son sissies, pansies, and fags, like the rest of his kind.

      @Dave: I don’t care what he is teaching his son; that doesn’t mean his character has changed.

      I don’t think he should be raising this child and that’s my opinion.

      Ideally, the child shouldn’t even be raised by the mother or the father, since it seems they are both exploiting his “gayness” to their own ends and using him for their own agenda of some sort of half-assed attempt to rise above their heterosexism. It’s all superficial showmanship, and it is absolutely, diabolically selfish that they would use their child this way.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 4:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • brad
      brad

      This post is so beautiful, you are an exceptional father and the support you give your son will be truly life changing for him,

      I can’t commend you more, and if you are reading these comments ignore the people like @TheRealAdam – you have clearly changed and the world needs more fathers like you

      Mar 23, 2011 at 4:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Disgusted Gay American
      Disgusted Gay American

      awsome…finaleee a bit of good news!

      Mar 23, 2011 at 4:35 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Hillers
      Hillers

      This whole Raising My Rainbow series just feels like it’s watering the flowers and plants in my soul that face the normal wear and tear of the day. It brings back a sense of life to me because it’s so full of hope.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 4:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • j
      j

      @TheRealAdam: Truly pathetic. Cj’s dad however is amazing. :D I really wasn’t expecting anything this positive and uplifting when I clicked this link but I feel completely refreshed. People can change. Now, there’s a thought. :)

      Mar 23, 2011 at 4:40 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dave
      Dave

      @J@j:

      I guess following TheRealAdam’s logic, his being a douchebag now would also mean he will ALWAYS be a douchebag!

      Mar 23, 2011 at 4:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ogre Magi
      Ogre Magi

      @TheRealAdam: Hey, the guy is doing his best leave him alone!

      Mar 23, 2011 at 4:50 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Scott
      Scott

      I wish you had been my Dad. My father beat my mother, my brothers, the dog, he started to hit me, and he told me not to cry. I haven’t seen him in 20 years and don’t regret it.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 5:05 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • fredo777
      fredo777

      @TheRealAdam: You are being way too cynical about this.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 5:07 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheRealAdam
      TheRealAdam

      @fredo777: You are simply blind.

      @Scott: Don’t worry, he is. His son will more than likely be in counseling and medicated by the age of 15, if he makes it that far with a father like this.

      @Dave: I am more concerned about this child’s well-being than any of you seem to be. These parents are unfit to raise children that don’t conform to their own prejudices and bigotries.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 5:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • adman
      adman

      “If I don’t protect my children who will? My job is not to fight their fights for them, but to protect them and give them weapons to defend themselves.”

      —FWIW, by the time I was 18 I was a well known gay pariah in my neighborhood, dyed hair, leather, chains, shitty bands, friends in jail or dead, etc… I knew every studly butch daddy within 100 miles, and I did it under the watchful eye of my dad, who I came out to at 15. His attitude was so much like this man, it’s scary. Pop is and was my best ally, but he didn’t have any real tools, just “weapons”. Oh, and things to do to defend myself. That’s great in the street, where you can learn all about trade and hustling, while you slowly grow evil. Then we both started to change, gradually.

      “His character defines him and it is my job to mold and shape his character into a strong, courageous individual.”

      —My dad started seeing a pattern in my behavior, he knew I wanted love from a man. He saw through the stereotypes, and realized I knew the beauty in men, and he was bereft, unconsolably apologetic. He cried when he told me he hadn’t known how taboo it really is to know that other men are beautiful, and to experience it in your heart and soul. His life as a het man had left him totally unawares, and he hadn’t realized the role that male beauty and it’s attendant virtues can play in the life of an outcast male. He knew “fight”, “fuck”, and “self aggrandize”, which for a family man means win. ALWAYS win.

      That period in our lives was when I saw the change in him. He became open, and plainspoken. His word has been worth gold ever since. He moved to a happening sort of town with my mom to retire and got creative…His street photography is so human and beautiful now. He got to the eye of the truth about human beauty. That’s what you need if you want to be a champion. Once you have it, you’ll be one too.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 5:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mark
      Mark

      @therealadam,
      You are simply wrong. For years my father was a horrible bigot, ridiculing others who were different. Then my sister came home with a biracial baby. My father broke down and cried, not because the baby was bi racial, but because he realized how wrong he had been. He loved that child and was fiercely protective of her. Bullys can change, who the hell are you to say otherwise?
      You make the outrageous comment that CJ still calls adults names, how arrogant of you to make this comment with absolutely no facts what so ever. I would much rather a child be raised by CJ than the likes of you.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 5:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dave
      Dave

      @Mark:

      I don’t say this too often, but AMEN!

      Mar 23, 2011 at 6:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • fredo777
      fredo777

      @TheRealAdam: shutyourface.com

      Mar 23, 2011 at 6:08 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • drums
      drums

      You can’t judge people based on what they did when they were 16-18 years old. A lot of people did things back then that they aren’t proud of now. I know I did some stupid, mean-spirited, and/or ignorant things myself. That’s what teenagers do. And then a lot of them grow up and put effort into being a better adult. That’s obviously what this dad has done, and if @TheRealAdam doesn’t think it’s possible then maybe TheRealAdam just never grew out of his asshole adolescent phase himself and doesn’t realise other people can. This dad sounds like a great parent to both his sons and a great husband to his wife. Judge his actions now as a reflection of the man he now is, not his actions as the immature youth he used to be.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 6:10 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • SightandFeeling
      SightandFeeling

      THIS IS ONE AMAZING TALE! this reminds me so much of how my dad would explain things to me when I was younger saying things like: “of course it makes me a little uncomfortable that you are gay, but you are my son and I love you.”, “yes, it’s not what i had anticipated but you’re my son and I wouldn’t change you in any way.” Things that one can truly understand as time progresses and we grow both in age and reason of mine. I hope more people can read stories like these because they truly are very inspiring.

      Thank you so much for being the way you are Mr. C.J!

      Best wishes to you and your family!

      Mar 23, 2011 at 6:23 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • 1844
      1844

      to @therealadam and others: remember the line from “the times they are achangin” “don’t criticize what you can’t understand.”

      Mar 23, 2011 at 9:28 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • justiceontherocks
      justiceontherocks

      Every time I read anything from this blog my bullshit detector goes off. it’s clearly an audition for a book publishing deal. The chances of any of these stories being true are not good, but this one is especially fishy.the tale describes how someone would behave in a fantasy world.

      Mar 23, 2011 at 11:09 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheRealAdam
      TheRealAdam

      @justiceontherocks: Then you see it too, don’t you? It’s a farce.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 12:07 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • addybites
      addybites

      @TheRealAdam: Obviously you’ve got some serious daddy issues of your own. Dont take that out on CJ and his beautiful family, find another way to cope.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 12:21 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      And every CJ also evolves into bigger and better characters as they age. He will be fierce. He will be fearless. All because he is loved. It is inspiring to see a former bully change so much for the better.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 5:01 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      But i would like to warn this man that a young boy playing with Barbie dolls does not immediately indicate homosexuality. I think that is a stereotypical bias. Little suzie playing with trucks does not make her a dyke either.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 5:15 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      If society feels that boys who like the color pink are “possibly gay” then society needs to really step back and stop persecuting gay people with such unnecessary heavy burdens that have nothing to do with us. It certainly would explain why we are immediately on high alert and defense mode.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 5:18 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      The more i think about this the more i want this father to detach from himself so his son may be allowed to flourish. If he is genuinely attempting to do that then he is not being selfish or insecure.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 5:20 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      This is getting wierder and wierder. Is there a frontal pic of this dad? I mean his face of course. why not? What is all this anonymity i am sensing? I want to be loving and supportive but all the parents “stuff” had nothing to do with the kid. At least if they make sure not to damage his psyche. That is what therapists are for. Do they go to therapy to discuss their own stuff. What does any of this have to do with CJ being gay? The more i think about it the more i see it has to do with the parents feelings about homosexuality. Ok so they are struggling with it? Well they should be told that is a complete waste of lifes energy.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 5:29 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • P
      P

      If this kid is straight, he’s going to be so embarrassed by this blog when he is older.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 10:16 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • P
      P

      Nevermind. He’s going to be embarrassed regardless.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 10:17 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • FJM
      FJM

      Kudos to these parents. They are walking outside their comfort zone and doing exactly what our community implores parents to do–love your children for who they are!! It doesn’t really matter to me what they did in the past. I’m just glad they’re doing right by their boy now…and proving a strong role model for other parents in similar situations!

      All that said…we need to also recognize that despite the stereotypical desire for pink and dolls this boy has now, he may just end up to be a conforming straight man. It happens all the time. By way of example, my nephew loved pink and purples and dresses and dolls when he was young. In fact, he’d fight all the time to wear “princess” clothes outside the house. Fast forward a few years…throw in a little hormones…and the boy is as hetero as they come. How do we know? His fondness (i.e., obsession) for straight porn.

      I think the takeaway from this blog is that loving your kid for exactly who he is, regardless of whether that conforms with your desires or expectations, is key. Teach him that being himself, despite the adversity, will make him stronger, happier and better adjusted.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 10:45 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Armand
      Armand

      Lame.

      I like how everyone is exploiting this child to advance our gay community.

      Some kids explore their sexuality and become heterosexual. And some were just born gay.

      I can’t believe this will become a series. I’m so excited to read the next one while I try to keep a straight (pun intended) face.

      Stay fabulous!

      Mar 24, 2011 at 12:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Perfect Dad
      Perfect Dad

      I have a five year old who performed a magic show in an Ariel shirt from The Little Mermaid. I didn’t think he was gay before, he just likes his mommy and he likes princesses (maybe because they look like mommy). His brother is the same.

      We have two close family friends, one with two daughters and one with two boys. When he plays with the girls there is a good chance that they play girlish games and might even dress up in tutus and crowns. Then he plays with the boys, it’s Star Wars and guns. He loves transformers and loves fairies. I remember myself wanting to try on my mom’s dresses when I was young, but older than 5 — Now I have 3 kids and a fourth coming so I don’t think it made me gay. As other commenters said, it’s too early to tell, at the age of 4, what the child will become.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 1:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      @Perfect Dad: I have no doubt that gay parents would agree with you as well.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 2:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • LittleGreenMen
      LittleGreenMen

      To the folks who think ‘once a bully, always a bully’, I have to say what better lesson could be visited upon such a person? That is other than the classic fairy tale where the bigot wakes up as the target race or gender of his/her former hatred, as in the film Watermelon Man. But that’s an impossibility, this is real life. It’s true, some people never learn life’s lessons, but that’s not the case here.

      May all your children be gay!

      Mar 24, 2011 at 4:11 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheRealAdam
      TheRealAdam

      @LittleGreenMen: He would’ve picked on and probably eventually killed this child if it was not his own. That should tell you all you need to know right there.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 4:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • nowliveit
      nowliveit

      Ditto to the tears I wept as reading this… and the accolades to this wonderfully insightful man-father. He is willing to be morally moved by love, the love a father has for a son. My heart is open to him, his wife and his sons. That is a truly loving family in action.

      What would it be like if when we looked at “strangers” we all were willing to see them as brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers??? How would society change? A beautiful vision to hold.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 4:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • JustJoe
      JustJoe

      Damn, that story left me in tears.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 5:38 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dave
      Dave

      @TheRealAdam:

      It is people like you that give the gay community a bad reputation. You are likely out at every protest, every pride event demanding acceptance, but when someone such as this boy’s father comes along and exhibits the exact characteristics we are seeking from the heterosexual majority you are there to simply slap them down and call them bad parents. Well I have one phrase for you, FUCK YOU!

      Mar 24, 2011 at 6:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheRealAdam
      TheRealAdam

      @Dave: Sweet, naive Dave. Tisk, tisk.

      The kind of backhanded acceptance that this so-called father is offering is never acceptance, and is never acceptable. He is ignorant, arrogant, homophobic, and above all else selfish for exploiting his child this way, and so is that foolish mother.

      I don’t demand acceptance from straights. You and most of the people commenting on this post, on the other hand, are bending over backwards at the little crumbs CJ is throwing your way as he tells his story of being a “reformed bully” simply because he knows damn well he cannot beat the living shit out of his son for being the way he is.

      You can drink his kool-aid, I really don’t care. But don’t try to tell me that there is anything genuine about CJ’s change of heart.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 7:08 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dave
      Dave

      @TheRealAdam:

      And once again, you prove yourself to be a TOTAL douchebag! I sure hope you aren’t a parent. I would pity that poor child!

      Mar 24, 2011 at 7:17 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Theo
      Theo

      Wow…that’s very touching. What a great parent! C.J is very lucky.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 7:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Armand
      Armand

      @TheRealAdam: Preach it sister.

      When are we going to rise up against these “reformed” bullies and say:

      Girl. You were a hot mess then. And a hot mess now. So your son might be gay and and may be not. God gave you a son. Treat him well. And by the way. Karma’s a b!tch. :-)

      To the rest of my sistahz. Dry your tears and save it for the next story on this ‘series’… I’m sure the next one will be about the Father surprised his son is trying on his mother’s g-string.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 7:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Shannon1981
      Shannon1981

      I kind of see this whole blog as a way for the mom to do a few things: reconcile her own feelings about her son’s “slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous” ways, and any negative feelings she might have about them, as well as to prove there are no negative feelings; secondly, now that she has gotten past the discomfort and embraced this, she is convinced she has some fabulous A list gay in the making(whether or not this is conscious or sub conscious is irrelevant- I can spot people like that a mile off), and is hell bent on making it so; thirdly, a way to validate herself and her actions, and make sure, even if it is only strangers saying so, that she is doing the right thing; and lastly, but not least, to raise her kid as best she can, and that is the important part.

      Now, I do question some of it, I admit. The gay pride lego man made by a toddler was a little too much to swallow. But I am not about to call anyone a liar, because if this were true, I’d have killed to have had parent like this. As for the dad, I really do hope he accepts his son fully, and that he is no longer a bully. Hats off if he really did change.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 7:55 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheRealAdam
      TheRealAdam

      @Dave: You need to get some counseling. You are acting out.

      @Armand: LOL, best comment ever. And you are totally right. Testify!

      Mar 24, 2011 at 8:11 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mark in Noosa
      Mark in Noosa

      Don’t feed the trolls and they’re on here big time. Kudo’s to CJ’s dad! And ya know what folks, even if this is all made up (which I don’t think it is) if even one person reads this and is touched by the story and made a better person, it’s all worth it.

      And yes, people can and do change. It is entirely possible and it does happen. I know, I’ve seen it.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 8:15 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dave
      Dave

      @TheRealAdam: Me acting out? Okay, whatever you say. You’re one of the very few people who seem to believe that people are unable to change. If it is the case that people can’t change, then here is your theme song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3i6OrOZwtmA

      Mar 24, 2011 at 8:20 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dave
      Dave

      @Mark in Noosa: Thanks Mark. Excellent advice. I’ll simply ignore them from here on out. Not worth my time.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 8:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheRealAdam
      TheRealAdam

      @Dave: In this particular case, no: once a bully, always a bully.

      CJ’s attitudes have NOT changed. He is suppressing his bigotry and trying to pass it off as him evolving in order to appear accepting. Secretly, he loathes his son.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 8:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ed
      Ed

      @TheRealAdam, then how would you raise this child? How would you tolerate and/or encourage his effeminacy without acting like his parents currently do? His change of heart, fundamentally, is unimportant. His mother’s apparent foolishness is similarly unimportant.

      The main thing, as it should be, is the the best interests of the child are met. And in this case, I don’t see anything that has been against the best interests of CJ. His desires, to play with dolls, to be a princess, have been met by his parents. He seems to be growing up in a loving, accepting environment. Whether his father is homophobic, therefore, is unimportant. Your main criticism is that one day, hypothetically, this father will bully/beat his son to death, or drive him to suicide, or harm him in other ways. Until that day, however, there isn’t a lot to fault this father with.

      On a final note, people can/do change. It’s a fundamental law of nature, that creatures respond to external stimuli. A 35 year old can hardly be the same the person they were at 18.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 9:01 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • justiceontherocks
      justiceontherocks

      @Ed: I’m with TheRealAdam on this one. If this is a real story, which I strongly doubt, the father seems to have, at best, a grudging acceptance of his (probably fictional) son. Nothing I read makes me believe in any change of heart. He’s just doing what he has to do.

      On how to raise little CJ, if there is such a person, I’d say it should be done by parents who are more interested in raising a well-rounded child than in getting readers for a lame blog.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 9:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheRealAdam
      TheRealAdam

      @Ed: I agree that the interests of the child are being met, however fake the father and bitch mother are being toward CJ.

      But this isn’t about the child’s interests and well-being, it’s really about the parents and their shallow and exploitative roll as CJ’s guardians. They are treating him like an experiment for their own heterosexual egos, trying to come to terms with his assumed lack of heterosexuality under the guise of tolerance and acceptance.

      If you can’t detect how condescending, dismissive, and homophobic CJ’s father is in this post, I can’t do anything for you.

      To answer your question, for starters, I would not raise a child on a blog to deal with my own insecurities and ignorance about his identity. That’s disgraceful.

      Secondly, I really wouldn’t care that I was raising a “slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous” son, and I sure as hell wouldn’t use those words to characterize him. Those are all heteronormative labels these damn idiotic parents put on their kid from the beginning. They already made him a spectacle and “othered” him, which is something, again, I wouldn’t do. He would just be CJ and I wouldn’t be trying to pigeonhole him as this or that. His “effeminacy” wouldn’t be “effeminacy,” it would just be him. Period.

      Thirdly, if I was the parents and all of the above wasn’t obvious to me, I’d shoot myself in the best interests of CJ.

      Case closed.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 9:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Lalalulu
      Lalalulu

      @TheRealAdam:

      I feel for you. You have clearly been abused and neglected. I assume some great mistreatment has befell you. I hope you get the help you need. Your toxicity is alarming.

      Mar 24, 2011 at 10:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheRealAdam
      TheRealAdam

      The only thing you should be concerned about here is CJ.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 1:16 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheRealAdam
      TheRealAdam

      @Lalalulu: The only thing you should be concerned about here is CJ.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 1:16 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      @Lalalulu: Thats not necessary to say to TheRealAdam. We all have the right to feel the way we do perceiving this father. Parents are supposed to love their kids and it seems like we are giving this guy an award or brownie points and a gold star because he loves the child he thinks is gay. If you need proof of that, you can read that no one here is saying ” omg, he is so fabulous that he loves his son who him and wife label as heterosexual. how progressive this wonderful former fully bully is”. No, no one is saying any of that but you are saying a gay person here is alarmingly toxic for not quite being fully trusting of the motives these two parents may have.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 4:29 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      @Lalalulu: I mean i tried to answer somewhat nicely but sarcastically to the commenter number 46 “perfectdad” in number 47 by saying gay parents would agree with him but i did not like and i also see his own ignorance when he stated

      “I remember myself wanting to try on my mom’s dresses when I was young, but older than 5 — Now I have 3 kids and a fourth coming so I don’t think it made me gay.”

      What the fuck is that about????
      Clothing and fucking liking the colors pink and purple does not fucking make gay people gay either. What a really wierd disturbing thought he expresses so openly like it is valid. It’s fucking insulting to us as gay people and if there are people on this site that do not understand and/or do not want or need these particular straight people to accept gay people, that is just fine and dandy because straight people certainly don’t spend their lifes moments wondering if gay people accept them. I think he owes gay parents an apology for what he said because there are indeed some gay people who did wear dresses when they were younger and have had their own children just like “perfect dad” has. He should know that it is not exclusively straight to be a parent. What a pig. Really. It’s freagin ignorant and not only does he not know it, he thinks he’s fucking open minded.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 4:43 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      I am beginning to envision an entire gang of househusbands in town parks seeking Stepford therapy.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 4:57 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      Let’s face it. The more we examine this the more obvious it is that these straight people are ashamed of themselves for being ashamed and chances are it may really only be that way because it’s effecting them personally. We need to just be present for them and their feelings more than celebrating them. I do not need to hear about CJ. From everything so far that kid is just fine with himself. I need to hear these parents explain why they think this is an issue. Being gay is a non issue just like being straight is. I am not even gonna go there.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 5:04 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TheRealAdam
      TheRealAdam

      @ewe: Thank you, Ewe.

      @ewe: Yes, I agree with this.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 6:26 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jeffree
      Jeffree

      It’s a heartwarming drama, isn’t it?
      “Parents celebrate and value their son’s specialness!” “Tough guy Dad embraces his son’s femininity.” “Mom fights world’s harsh perception of her possibly gay son!”

      Anytime any story sounds too good to be true, my inner skeptic cries out for attention. And asks lots opf questions:How oes CJ’s brother hold up, with CJ being the one who’s possibly getting more attention. Why does Mom need to label her son at such a young age? Why does Dad’s writing style (register, syntax,vocab etc) match Mom’s at better than 85%? How does blogging so much help the family?

      Look, I want this story to be true. I want to believe that everything is above board, that the family has their sons’ best interests in mind. But I also have seen what happens when people get taste of fame. John & Kate plus 8, anyone? Octomom? Any cast member of any reality show? James Frey?

      Has anybody verified *at all* that these people actually are telling the truth or something close to it? Has there been any evidence that anyone else knows them? Neighbors? I don’t expect the family to divulge name or hometown but I wish we knew that we’re not just caught up in a feel-good fiction.

      I hope that my doubts are ill-founded, and that every effeminate or possibly gay son (or masculine, possibly lesbian daughter) has such wonderful parents to raise them. And I hope that even those children who don’t have such ideal parents will still find a way to navigate their own course—and be met with love & acceptance from friends, family and their community at large.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 7:49 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • billygfa
      billygfa

      I’m the leader of the Gay Fathers of Atlanta. Most of them men in my group wish they had a father like this. Instead we did what was considered the norm and many of us remember being “pushed” to that norm by our parents. Though none of us would trade our children for the world, more parents like this can make sure that the children of today become who they want to be without being pressured to do the opposite. Great Story. Made my day.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 9:53 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • irisgirl
      irisgirl

      What a delightful treat to hear from CJ’s dad! One of my recurring prayers is that every gay child be blessed with parents like CJ’s. Thank you again, Queerty, for continuing to run this very special story.

      A true bright spot in a scary and depressing world.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 10:37 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • scott
      scott

      There is no shame in acknowledging the social and philosophical norms we’ve been raised to believe and perpetuate through our actions, thoughts, and humour. It takes a great amount of self-awareness to do so and it doesn’t make someone a bad person or reveal ‘bad character.’

      It seems like some people here are taking out their hatred of these norms on the parents of this kid. They’re not responsible for a persistent hetero-normative hegemony. They’re the products of it. But they’re helping, in their small way, to halt it by not reprimanding CJ’s honest and natural behaviour.

      It’s your ‘opinion’ that these people shouldn’t be raising a child? That’s simple idiocy. Your country owns the rights to breeding stupidity and these people are trying to do the opposite.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 1:28 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • scott
      scott

      PS, I love the States. Not anti-American at all. Just anti-stupid.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 1:34 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      I want to know who the hell took that picture and submitted it for so many gay people to see? The backside of such an openly wonderful father? Please. If that is not enough to prove this guy still has so many freagin homophobic issues along with his own wife who enables it, i don’t know what else does. OK OK OK. I wish them luck OK?

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Lesley Charles
      Lesley Charles

      As a male to female transgendered child I can relate to C.J. I think it is great that both parents support him. I too, wanted dolls, and when I did have one or two they would disappear. I was also told boys don’t play with dolls. Also to both of C.J. ‘s parents keep an eye out for gender issues. Especially pay attention if C.J. says that he wished he was born a girl. But both of you are doing the best thing loving your son for who he is.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:29 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      My own father stared at me through my childhood as if i was a unique piece of ART. I always knew he loved me dearly but it made me feel on display and somewhat misunderstood. I love him because of who he is and because i know he was always there for me and that is what i give back in return. Gratefully i never had a closet so to speak, gay from my very first day of PINK wonder and perfectly ok with it because it is who i am. It is society and others in it that have attempted to make my life miserable. Isn’t gonna happen honey. lol

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:30 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      @Lesley Charles: thank you for you input. I think it is important to be here for these parents because they obviously need or want us to process something for them but it is equally vital that they listen to us because it is not only about them. I hear lots of gratitude from people here on this post directed toward this dad. Where is his? That is the problem. He seems to be obsessed with only “his”. His son, his own self, him him him. The format he and his wife has chosen is in front of many lgbt people they do not know or acknowledge.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 2:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • kenny
      kenny

      @TheRealAdam:

      CJ’s dad seems to genuinely love and care about CJ look at what he said on the very last part.

      I play baseball and basketball with my 7-year-old and sit on the floor and fumble my fingers putting dresses on dolls with my 4-year-old.

      ^^^If that is not a genuine attempt at being a good father who loves his child and just wants the best for them then I dont know what is.He seems to have a very loving heart .Bullies CAN change past is past please do not fault him for the mistakes he made then focus on the things he is doing now to make up for those mistakes.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 7:17 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • NYCNYC
      NYCNYC

      @TheRealAdam: You need help.

      Mar 25, 2011 at 10:31 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • tml
      tml

      I think it is wonderful the way this man treats his son. I would take nothing else from my husband if one of my son’s c.j. or David turned out to be gay when they hit puberty or even before. I believe people change when situations change how are you to learn when no one teaches you and that is probably how this father was raised even if his parent aren’t against homosexuals I doubt he went home everyday and told them about his bully ways so they didn’t set the example his friends set the example that he followed now he has a reason to learn tolerance if he intends to keep his child’s love so he is doing it and more than likely with that learned tolerance he will practice it with others as well apparently he isn’t ashamed of it or his friends wouldn’t know about it or be asking him questions. I’m a married mother of 2 I grew up with 4 brothers no sisters so I didn’t get along with other girls very well but as I got older my I became friends with many slightly effeminate guys because they didn’t mind my tomboyish ways but also gave me the small amount of female mannerism I craved believe me when I say at first this didn’t go over well with my brothers 2 older 2 younger the eldest including myself were all a year apart 1 of the youngest is only 2 years younger the other 8 years younger but my brothers weren’t bully’s but they didn’t like having a gay guy around, their friends would say something stupid like he’s gonna try and get in your pants or he’s gonna turn you gay which was completely ignorant (unless the guy is like a Greek god or something why bother right lol so many other boys out there ) anyway after a while of him (his name was Justin) hanging around (which was alot he has horror story parents) they realized he was going to do no such thing and they actually started enjoying hanging around Justin and he became a permanent person in our house later on when his parents became to much to bear my brothers had no problems with him living with us we all love Justin and he is like a brother to us and now after they were taught they learned that just because your gay doesn’t mean your different your still a person you still like to play cards,pool, and read yada yada yada and now even my brothers have really close gay friends that i associate with but aren’t necessarily my friends also they made those all on there own BTW:::: not saying they arnt curious i have no idea what goes on in the mind of a man but with that said all 4 of my brothers are hetro but not in the least homophobic like they where as teens

      Mar 27, 2011 at 7:28 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • ewe
      ewe

      @tml: I like some straight people. Big freagin whoop. Is anyone telling me how fantastic i am?

      Mar 31, 2011 at 3:15 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • twiterosG
      twiterosG

      @TheRealAdam: you’re delusional, the dad has to start somewhere that was one of the points he wrote. He’s being honest saying he was uncomfortable , the acceptance won’t be immediate and he has to start somewhere. Lighten up.

      Mar 30, 2012 at 8:18 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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