Valentine’s Day is just about upon us. We know because everywhere from Godiva to True Value Hardware is flooding their shelves with cheesy heart-shaped trinkets. But we’re gayâwe should be able to do better for our lovers than waxy chocolates and a wilted flowers.
Below, we’ve listed some great suggestions for unique gifts that will keep the heart fires burning in your relationship. And if one of these presents gets you a little extra lovin’ on February 14, tell your honey-
Macho Tank Top
Slick It Up, $34
If you’ve been looking for a way to tell your love to be a little more aggressive in the sack, this tank top from Slick It Up will do the trick. Sexy model not included.
Penis or Pussy Toaster
Burnt Impressions, $29.95
Some people claim they’ve seen the Virgin Mary in their toast. We’d rather wake up to the sight of a nice dick. Burnt Impressions has just released new toast impressions offering images of a penis or vagina toasted on every slice of bread. What’s more, the toasters come in a variety of colors and can be further personalized with an original photo of your choice.
Crush, Richard Siken
Yale University Press, $11.50
This collection of ferocious, confessional love poems was the winner of the 2004 Yale Younger Poets prize. Judge Louise GlĂŒck hails the âcumulative, driving, apocalyptic power, [and] purgatorial recklessnessâ of Sikenâs words: âBooks of this kind dream bigâThey restore to poetry that sense of crucial moment and crucial utterance which may indeed be the great genius of the form.â
Cowpoke Bedding
Vice Merchants, prices vary
We sang the praises of Vice Merchants’ line of “Cowpoke” linens last year when they were first released. Made from 400-thread-count Egyptian cotton, the textile recalls a Gunsmoke meets Tom of Finland vibe. Brooklyn 
artist K. Commodore designed the dude-ranch print, which is available in wheat and slate.
âCowpokes is a design unlike any other that allows gay men to spice up your bedroom in a subtle, yet enticing and playful manner,â says Vice Merchants president Jake Katz.
Well, maybe not so subtle.
Prices for the Cowpokes line range from $99 for a twin long sheet set, $235 for a king sheet set and $439 for a full nine-piece queen bedding set, which includes duvet, pillow cases and more.
Mobile Foodie Survival Spice Kit
Oh Say USA, $24.95
This pocket-size set of organic seasonings includes travel-sized portions of basil, cayenne curry, dill, garlic, ginger, onion, cinnamon, oregano, thyme, sea salt, black pepper and wasabi powder. Think of it as a saving grace when you have to endure your mother-in-law’s bland meatloaf again.
Viva Pedro: Almodovar Collection
Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, $167
Few directors capture the passion, insanity, joy, pain and pleasure of love (in all its forms) like queer auteur Pedro Almodovar. This box set offers eight of his greatest films, including Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, All About My Mother, Talk to Her, Bad Education and Law of Desire, which sees a young Antonio Banderas succumbing to the advances of a gay filmmaker. Art imitating life, perhaps?
jeff4justice
$34 for a tank top? In the words of Macklemore’s “Thrift Shop,” “I call that getting swindled and pimped.”
Dustolio
erm. I want literally none of those things. Of course I would be happy with tacos and a back rub for valentine’s day, so I’m probably not the target audience. đ
Taliaferro
$439 for queen sized bed sheets? Ye gods, who would use them? Do you know how hard it is to get certain stains out of bed linens?