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Bragbook:Transforming Facebook By The Perfected (and Annoying) Art Of Bragging

JohnCarrollWe’ve all scrolled down our news feed and have been accosted by “friends” who are inevitably having the “BEST DAY EVER!!!” seven days a week, 365 days a year. In fact, I’ve noticed a healthy handful of people who believe Facebook to be a place for them to constantly tell the world how absolutely fabulous their lives are. They have rebranded the site we know and love from Facebook to “Bragbook.”

Now, good things happen to all of us, and at times we want to share that with the community at large. Inviting others to experience your joy is a beautiful gesture. However, I’m not talking about that. What I’m referring to are the Facebook users who make it their sole goal to let you know how amazing their life is in comparison to yours.

I call these people “Facebook terrorists.”

This person’s reign of terror comes in the form of incessant bragging. Not a day goes by during which they don’t use their status updates to wreak havoc on those of us having a “so-so” day with overly joyous proclamations of their wonderful existence. According to the Facebook terrorist, the sun is always shining on them, everyday is a holiday and they shit out bars of pure gold.

He will never post about how the stress from losing his job horrifically triggered his Irritable Bowel Syndrome, creating his very own “Jackson Pollock” all over the Starbucks bathroom, how he went to battle in his apartment and lost to a cockroach the size of a developing country, or how he recently got dumped for someone twice his size whose breath smells like hickory-smoked sausage. No, instead he opts to post, “Off to Bali!! Third vacation this year!!!”

Listed below are merely a few of the categories the braggart will use. If you know any of the following culprits, please use caution when dealing with them as they tend to be highly into themselves and may not notice if you are choking, drowning or in need of immediate medical attention.

The Work Bragger:

job

He’s the status updater who loves to brag about work and post sayings like, “booked it!” “got it!” or “nailed it!”

With the country’s still exorbitant unemployment rate, no one wants to be reminded that he didn’t get the job interview or audition, let alone the actual job. There might be a better way to “share” your employment status other than posting, “On a roll! I actually have to turn down jobs!” “Wish I could also be lazy and enjoy the sunshine, but as usual, I have to work” or the worst, “Who booked three national commercials in one week and has two thumbs? THIS GUY!!!”

The Relationship Bragger:

Hubby

These are the couples who act like they don’t see each other every single day or have access to a phone when they constantly post love letters to one another on a very impersonal, public website. Instead of posting how your significant other is the most amazing person that ever roamed the earth, why not just walk the 20 feet into the kitchen and whisper those same sweet nothings in his or her ear? Ignoring the fact that these relationships usually end in an equally public disaster, the main objective of his status is to let you know, no matter how much you love the people in your life, you’ve just been out done, because he and his partner “love” each other more.

The Body Bragger:

Carbs

This is the FB user who spends the majority of his day at the gym, leaving barely enough energy in his carb-deprived body to post about his workout, diet or upload yet another picture of his chiseled physique.

Though I wholeheartedly disagree, [clears throat and fidgets uncomfortably] word on the street is that I am a member of this group.

You can spot my fellow narcissists by our scantily-clad pictures wearing only a pair of underwear, a strategically placed leaf or poetically draped in the American flag.

The Death Bragger:

Judy Facebook

This is a small, yet powerfully annoying group who like to capitalize on others’ demise. Whenever anyone famous dies, they will overload you with posts bragging about how they knew the dead person, worked with the dead person or bumped into the dead person in a CVS while reaching for an enema bag and a Charleston Chew. Some even go so far as to dust off the old scanner to post a picture with said dead person from the year flashbulbs were invented. He loves to wax and wane over the dead in grandiose statements about life and, in an essence, make the persons passing all about him.

The Religious Bragger:

Blessed

In my opinion, he is the worst. This is the person who is much too “humble” to let you know how fantastic he is, so he’ll let God say it for him. He will often post things like, “truly anointed” or “blessed and highly favored.” What he really means is, God likes him better than you. The rest of us, innocently going through our normal, everyday lives are unfortunately lower on the “favored” list and therefore shit out of luck.

If by chance you find yourself having such a holy, spiritual experience, try keeping it sacred and personal. Unless of course you believe it to be God’s will that you brag about your many blessings to the entire cyber world, then by all means — spread the word.

 

John Carroll is a Broadway performer, writer and activist. For more information on him, go to TheJohnCarroll.com.

By:           JOHN CARROLL
On:           Sep 16, 2013
Tagged: ,

  • 26 Comments
    • Caleb in SC
      Caleb in SC

      LMFAO!!! You nailed it. BTW . . . feeling truly blessed today since I haven’t seen my model/Ph. D. husband in twenty minutes because I was at the gym working my 12 pack abs because I swore off carbs in 2003 and my hubby was doing a prayer vigil at Judy Garland’s grave. Oh, and we are both vegans so we are better than all y’all.

      Sep 16, 2013 at 5:13 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ron Jackson
      Ron Jackson

      Facebook? Ugh. Got rid of it years ago.

      Sep 16, 2013 at 7:46 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • 2eo
      2eo

      @Caleb in SC: You basically told the story of me and my partner, we have 28 pack abs and have single handedly stopped the eating of meat in the whole western hemisphere just this morning.

      We also prayed, but even when posting as a joke nothing happened.

      Sep 16, 2013 at 8:09 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Lefty
      Lefty

      The article would carry more weight if it weren’t accompanied by a big photo of the author showing us all how hot he is.
      Not that I’m complaining about that or anything. He is very nice to look at, obvs. It just seems like a contradiction.

      Sep 16, 2013 at 8:13 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • enfilmigult
      enfilmigult

      @Lefty: Seems like the perfect touch to me (especially when the author admitted to being a “Body Bragger”).

      Sep 16, 2013 at 8:33 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Caleb in SC
      Caleb in SC

      @2eo: I just snorted Diet Coke through my nose! Awesome!

      Sep 16, 2013 at 8:48 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Caliban
      Caliban

      It’s hard to beat the Mrs Betty Bowers Religious Brag, “So close to Jesus that the Father and the Holy Ghost are starting to call me ‘Yoko’”!

      I can’t help but notice that the photo of Mr Carroll on his website features him with a “strategically placed fig leaf.” Well played! ;-)

      Sep 16, 2013 at 9:10 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MikeE
      MikeE

      I was expecting a typical stupid post.. but NO! I was pleasantly surprised. This was actually hysterically funny.

      please, Queerty, find more writers like this, with flair, wit, and intelligence.

      And John Carroll: if you want boring, most definitely NOT self-raving Facebook comments, just friend me! LOL, NOTHING is going right for me right now. I’m the dullest Facebook poster on the planet.

      Sep 16, 2013 at 10:15 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jwrappaport
      jwrappaport

      Definitely liked the piece and was reminded why I’m off of Facebook, but was pretty turned off by the author’s website. I can’t help but feel that photoshopping your face on the David smacks of some pretty first rate, top-shelf douchebaggery. In so many words, the lady doth protest too much.

      Sep 16, 2013 at 10:19 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • balehead
      balehead

      Maybe instead of whining you should all grow a life?…..

      Sep 16, 2013 at 10:42 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MikeE
      MikeE

      @balehead: maybe you should take your own advice? all you EVER do here is bitch and moan and complain about other posters. don’t you have puppies to kick or something?

      Sep 16, 2013 at 10:48 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Rafael
      Rafael

      Very quirky article and there should be more like those that make me pmsl. But wait a second here guys… we are missing the best bit, the most important question; who the hell is that hot guy in the pic and where did he get those fabulous sneakers?

      Sep 16, 2013 at 11:18 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kestrel
      Kestrel

      I have a second account that only has my old frenemies from high school, exes, family members I despise, etc.
      The posts there are as obnoxious as I can make them. I posted on my anniversary that my husband gave me a bank account and said it was so I could book a month in Europe this spring. A particularly bitchy ex called my husband to try and verify – and hopefully – expose my huge lie.
      Sadly for her, it was the truth. 2 insults for the price of 1!
      Don’t feel bad for her. She slept with my father and sent me pics. My “forgiveness” for her drunken mistake meant a lot to her.
      Bwahahahaha

      Sep 16, 2013 at 11:46 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jwrappaport
      jwrappaport

      @balehead: Nah, I prefer to whine – kinda like you, it seems. I can’t recall a comment of yours that doesn’t exhort us all to go workout or get a life. Don’t you have weights to lift, bro?

      Sep 16, 2013 at 11:47 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • DerekR
      DerekR

      @balehead: You are the first person to rail against online bullying and yet one of the most caustic c*nts here.

      Can you say H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E?

      Sep 16, 2013 at 11:54 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • balehead
      balehead

      Not being a hypocrite….Just calling out the losers as they should be….you know you can ignore his pictures and his posts right?…..

      Sep 16, 2013 at 12:22 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • balehead
      balehead

      And I’m off to the gym…..

      Sep 16, 2013 at 12:22 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • tardis
      tardis

      Hugs to everyone NOT using Facebook!

      Sep 16, 2013 at 12:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Polaro
      Polaro

      Article is so very true. Just wanting Zuckerberg to go broke that makes me want Facebook to implode. (Too late to ruin Zuckerberg, I know.) On the plus side, some of my Facebook friends are ridiculously funny and original. Its the only reason I stay. When they aren’t looking I de-friend the losers.

      Sep 16, 2013 at 12:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • krystalkleer
      krystalkleer

      FACEBOOK is thee opitomy of everyone who thinks they’re the funniest person in the world…most smartest therapist…or thee most original mantra chanter in the universe that will change everything!…eh! what’dya do? http://getoffmydress.blogspot.com/2013/09/sometimes-ya-feel-like-nutcase.html

      Sep 16, 2013 at 2:42 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • barkomatic
      barkomatic

      The author left off another very common braggart–the type who post things like “Picking up the Bentley today and taking a drive around” or “Just closed on my third rental property–anyone here need a 3 bedroom luxury apartment in Russian Hill?”

      Sep 16, 2013 at 3:39 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Doughosier
      Doughosier

      On the other hand, there are people who post only negative stuff (“still can’t find a job. It’s been two year” or “have to pay rent and don’t have it’) and that gets uncomfortable. Maybe someone should make a separate facebook for only posting the bad stuff.

      Sep 16, 2013 at 5:02 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • EManhattan
      EManhattan

      First time through I misread the post “I haven’t had carbs since 2003″ as “I haven’t had crabs since 2003″. Much better.

      Sep 16, 2013 at 5:04 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MikeE
      MikeE

      @EManhattan: ROFLMAO

      Sep 16, 2013 at 11:24 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jacob
      Jacob

      This goes back to a “helpful” post I read about performers and how we should never post about auditions or callbacks. Saying it makes us look like braggarts if we get them and losers when we don’t. It’s Facebook. Someone posts about their life. You don’t want to read about their life? Easily blocked or ignored. My buddy Kenton gave me a great quote about it:
      “There is nothing enlightened about shirking so that others don’t feel insecure around you”-Maryanne W.
      That and the idea that we empower people by shining light on our failures as well as our accomplishments.
      (The rest of the quote is)…..when we let our own light shine we subconsciously giving others permission to do the same”
      How they react to it is their own issue.”

      Sep 17, 2013 at 1:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Derek
      Derek

      I’ve sure encountered all of these people on the merry old land of Facebook. It especially annoys me when gym rats try to shove their “healthy lifestyle” down my throat and make judgmental comments about people who are not just like them. I’ve deleted most of the religious zealots on my Facebook friends list and some of them have deleted me. (Apparently they cannot handle the fact that I am not straight.)

      Sep 20, 2013 at 12:08 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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