Queerty is better as a member

Log in | Register
Load More Guys

The Seven Most Annoying Grindr Guys And Two Who Might Change Your Life

o-GRINDR-facebook

Love it or hate it, chances are you’ve had Grindr in your pocket at some point (even if you do delete and re-download it every two months). That means you’ve probably encountered more than a few of these nine guys.

1_ghost

You’ve been talking to this guy on-and-off for months. He’s cute, funny, personable and has thoroughly charmed your socks off. You’re ready for him to charm something else off. Just when you think Grindr is pretty great after all, you try to take it to the next level and set up a 3-D encounter.

He’ll vanish without a trace, retreating into the ones and zeroes to haunt another corner of the digital universe.

2_racist

This guy doesn’t quite understand the line between personal preference and deuchey offensiveness. He’ll say things in his profile like “no blacks or Asians” or “into white only,” often with major spelling and grammatical errors. There is no level of physical attractiveness that will ever make this guy appealing.

We wish he’d just go ahead and drop his phone in a toilet.

3_bro

The Bro is totally masculine (gag). He was most likely a closet case fraternity member in college. And he isn’t interested in femme guys, or else he’d be dating a girl (double gag). He’ll tell you he’s “str8 acting,” “masc4masc” or “muscle4muscle.” And he’ll use really big words. Like “sup,” “chillin'” and “looking.”

He’ll also tell you he’s a top — a story he’ll stick to right up until he begs you to fuck him.

4_daredevil

Caution goes to the wind if you decide to interact with this sexual Evel Knievel. His opening line will assuredly be something poetic like “wanna fuck me bareback?” or “do you parTy?” And cunning linguistics isn’t the only thing he’s good at. There’s no sexual act, kink or fantasy you can throw his way that will freak him out, so if there’s something you’ve been dying to try but feel too embarrassed with most guys, go for it. We’re not going to judge.

Just please use caution (and protection). Though he’ll also probably tell you he’s negative if you ask him (and you should), take anything his says with a giant grain of salt.

5_torso

This medical anomaly has the scientific community completely baffled. While all signs indicate that the torso is in fact a human life form — it displays human-like emotions, responds to written cues and appears to be sentient — the stark absence of a face or brain is worrisome to say the least. When you request further proof of authentic human identity, often times a photo comes back of a different body part entirely.

Jury’s still out on this one.

6_HardWorker

Maybe you were busy the last six times he’s messaged you. Maybe Grindr has been eating up all his attempts at reaching you. Or maybe he’s just high on TGIF (T, G, It’s Friday). Whatever the reason, the hard worker refuses to let a little thing like you ignoring him get in the way of the fact that you two are meant to be. He’ll keep at it with remarkable resolve — a work ethic we hope has gotten him farther in life than it has in dating.

Until you block him, he will never take the hint.

7_invisible

Don’t mistake the invisible man for the ghost, who at least has the decency to let you know what he looks like. The invisible man is just a blank space. An identity vacuum. Yet he still feels it’s appropriate to message you with all sorts of creative propositions. We have to wonder what his track record is since we truly can’t imagine anyone going along for a meet-up.

You can ask for a photo, but taking a nod from the torso, chances are it won’t be of his face.

8_visitor

Grindr was made for the visitor (and you when you find him). This guy is only in town for six days, and before he goes back to Australia or Chicago or who cares, he wants to meet some “cool people.” 98 percent of the time this means sex. But the great thing about jumping into the sheets with this nomad is the absolute lack of expectation. There will be no awkward run-ins at the grocery store, no hurt feelings and absolutely no conversations that include the question “so where do we go from here?”

That’s not to say you’ll never see him again.

You’re going to need a tour guide when you’re off on a global adventure of your own (not to mention a bed to stay in).

9_rarity

Just because he’s rare doesn’t mean he’s impossible (just extraordinarily unlikely). Someone’s gotta win the lottery, after all. This is the guy you click with immediately, who admittedly too soon you say “here’s my number, txt me it’s easier.” This goes on for a few days until a phone call is introduced into the mix. An actual voice, and he doesn’t sound like he wants to rob you! You decide to meet up and he suggests a cool, mostly straight bar (first dates at gay bars can never spell lasting success). In person you find him even more handsome than the photos, and the two of you fall madly in love and live happily ever after.

You’ll lie to your children about where you met.

By:           Dan Tracer
On:           Mar 23, 2014
Tagged: ,
  • 19 Comments
    • sanfranca1
      sanfranca1

      “deuchey”? Any you’re complaining about others misspelling words?

      Mar 23, 2014 at 9:18 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Louis
      Louis

      The ones who are full of themselves are the most annoying online and on grindr I mean.

      Mar 23, 2014 at 10:48 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TinoTurner
      TinoTurner

      Why do 90% of black guys say they’re native american or mixed on Grindr?

      Mar 23, 2014 at 11:01 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Franklin
      Franklin

      @TinoTurner 90% eh? Is that an from an informal survey of grindr or did you just pull that out of your ass as I suspect.

      Mar 23, 2014 at 12:10 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TinoTurner
      TinoTurner

      @Franklin: Hey, I’m not the one doing it. Its true though.

      Mar 23, 2014 at 12:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • boring
      boring

      I actually started my Grindr profile last week. I start it with “Heads up: I’m not attractive.”

      Which is why I’ve only gotten six solicitations for oral sex.

      Grindr is the worst.

      Mar 23, 2014 at 12:54 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • AshNYC
      AshNYC

      @Tino: According to noted educator Henry Louis Gates, there are no Black Americans with 100 percent African ancestry.

      “We have never tested an African-American who is 100 percent African,” Gates said, speaking at Grambling State University. “The average African-American is 77 percent Black or African, 17 percent European and less than 5 percent Native American.”

      Mar 23, 2014 at 3:04 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tookietookie123
      Tookietookie123

      Where I live(a suburb of Los Angeles) there are at least 8 foreign exchange students from France. I can’t, their accents would make my clothing melt right off if they speak to me.

      Mar 23, 2014 at 6:35 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • misterhollywood
      misterhollywood

      Funny post but true!

      Mar 24, 2014 at 2:01 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • bottom72
      bottom72

      Let’s face it girls grindr is for hookups but not serious relationships for the most part. I have had many fun times thanks to grindr.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 8:14 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • JennyFromdabloc
      JennyFromdabloc

      Funny because it’s all true. @TinoTurner: I’ve noticed that, too.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 11:56 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • vive
      vive

      @Tinoturner, also, what’s up with all the WHITE guys saying they are mixed? The fact that someone speaks Spanish or Italian as a first language doesn’t make them not white.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 12:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • TinoTurner
      TinoTurner

      @vive: Don’t get mad at me over an observation. I live in Baltimore where the vast majority of the city is black. Its just incredibly odd when SOO MANY black guys say they’re Native American. Really??? I had one obvious black guy talking to me who said he was mixed, I asked his mix and he said “Creole and Haitian”….really? Thats not black? I’m just saying, its strange that so many black people do it.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 1:25 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • 1copaseticsoul
      1copaseticsoul

      @TinoTurner: Right… lol Or Mixed. I’m like dude you’re black lol

      Mar 24, 2014 at 3:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Sebizzar
      Sebizzar

      So glad I stopped using Grindr, it just makes you lose faith really. I used Jack’d, it’s a whole better version and isn’t just hook up oriented.

      Mar 24, 2014 at 4:28 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Faggot
      Faggot

      @TinoTurner And yet, no one refers to Barack as mixed.

      The obsession with race and ethnicity in the USA is almost pathological. In Europe, APPS and sites made by and for Europeans don’t include the category white (but you will see Mediterranean and others, though).

      On American APPs used in Europe, though, you’ll see Rumanians and others describing themselves as Latin (which often translates to HISPANO when you change from English to Spanish in the language of the APP, site, or of the phone itself). Rumanians like to see themselves as Romanians, that is more alligned with the original Latins, the Romans. This confuses the Americans.

      That said, race and ethnicity are all myths. Not even the original Latin race (the Italians) was pure.

      Mar 25, 2014 at 2:17 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kangol
      Kangol

      @TinoTurner:

      Because of racism and white supremacy. (And most African Americans and many black Caribbean people are mixed, but being “mixed,” or even Hispanic/Latino, doesn’t cancel out racial identity.)

      But the scholar Dwight McBride wrote about this in his great book Why I Hate Abercrombie and Fitch: Essays on Race and Sexuality (NYU Press, 2005). He gives a thorough breakdown of why this happens.

      Mar 25, 2014 at 8:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • colin4
      colin4

      hate this invisible guy fella
      he shud change his name to ‘The Mummy’
      that wud suit him bettr

      Mar 26, 2014 at 12:46 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • dragonboi
      dragonboi

      the worst is the guy that says “must have a face pic” to contact and does not have on himself

      Sep 2, 2014 at 9:45 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

    Add your Comment

    Please log in to add your comment

    Need an account? Register It's free and easy.



  • QUEERTY DAILY

     


    POPULAR ON QUEERTY


    FROM AROUND THE WEB

    Copyright 2014 Queerty, Inc.
    Follow Queerty at Queerty.com, twitter.com/queerty and facebook.com/queerty.