It’s never fun to admit your vulnerability, perceived or otherwise, and it goes against our IG-saturated, social-media world to post about problematic life subjects.
But, heck, as older gay men, the more we open up about those “closed” topics, the more we can relate, and help, one another not just surive but thrive late into a glorious old age.
So here, five topics that need to be discussed more often. Share if you dare.
1. Finances
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There are times in my life when I’ve had money and times when I’ve been flat broke. (I’m a writer, dudes—it ain’t a solid paycheck.) Growing older and gay without an established, stable lifestyle is one of the hardest topics for me to discuss. When you don’t have money, people feel free to chat about your finances in mixed company, usually referring to you in the third person. When you do have it, oddly, they only talk about it behind your back.
For those of you struggling, if you haven’t figured it out from the news, you’re not alone. Even a lot of people who act like they have money actually don’t—they’re living on a borrowed dime. If your friends exclude you, from parties, from dinner, from weekend getaways, because you don’t “bring anything to the table”—yes, that was said to me once during a time of financial duress—then get rid of them. Their superficiality isn’t worth a dime.
2. Sex drive
I’m not going to get any dates for writing this post.
Like many men my age I’ve been subjected to that fateful cliché, Don’t worry; it happens to the best of us. Our gay world is sometimes about the penis, and when your sex drive dwindles, your social life often suffers too. (On a side note: Medical remedies are important to keep in mind, but out of my jurisdiction, discussion-wise.) Porn, hook-up apps, the sex saturation of marketers, and good old-fashioned bitch brunches steer us into the false belief that we’re always horny and hard.
If you’re sex drive is a bit off these days, either for a significant period of time or just an evening, don’t beat yourself up. Tell your partner, your date, and opt for a night of the many pleasures of compasionship: conversation, cuddling. You may be surprised how erotic emotional intimacy is, even if it does not involve “release.” And by all means, talk to your friends about how to keep sex and romance alive in a time when sex may no longer be your life’s ambition. Most of them have been there, and the stigma attached lifts when you realize the cliché, above, really isn’t an insult.
3. Body image
I haven’t been completely content with my body for about 15 years. I’m always at least five pounds above my ideal weight, no matter what the scale says, and my arms are never sculpted enough. After years of working out alongside younger, more “perfect” men I’ve been conditioned to feel this way. And then there are the Photoshopped hunks that haunt our self-esteem.
Distressing as that may sound, it’s fairly common. I’m friendly with dozens of men who aren’t happy about the way they look, many to a much worse degree than myself. We have to work on this issue, and we need to do it together. In the past couple of years I’ve opened myself up more to accepting physical imperfections, and it’s been through the encouraging words—and actions—of friends and lovers, as well as my own personal growth. Sometimes I’m shocked at the parts of my body partners have loved, and I know they’ve often been surprised at how much I loved that, say, six-pack-free stomach.
And walk around naked more often. It’s one of the best ways to learn how to be comfortable with your own body.
4. Substance abuse
I’ve made no secret of abusing alcohol in the past, and believe the more we’re all open to discussing addiction, the healthier we’ll be—not to mention more likely to seek help or refrain from excess. And in case you haven’t looked up of late, we have an opioid epidemic in this country. As we age, anxiety and depression may increase, and we need to check in on our loved ones.
In the past year, I’ve found out that I have close friends too dependent on, among other things, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety drugs, and booze. In each of the above-mentioned examples, I found out through honest conversations about life and all its myriad challenges—I had no idea there was abuse taking place. Most people who abuse drugs and/or alcohol want to talk about it. Many of them don’t feel comfortable, fearing judgment. Do neither; just love them and you’ll both get a boost.
5. Aging
It’s common to fight the physical aspects of aging—diet, exercise, cosmetic enhancements—but how much emotional work are we putting into actually accepting that rising number? It’s safe to say this is one issue we all share, and we need to make share our fears and joys about getting older are out in the open.
Because one of my parents is deceased and another is elderly, my large, extended family talk about the aging process regularly. But among my gay friends (my other family), I sometimes forget to move the aging discussion beyond the “remember when we were younger?” conversations. Since I’m single, a lot of these guys will be my old-age friends, and we have started to talk about health, finances, home life, and everything else leading up to the really fun topic, death.
And since I’ve lost so many role models to AIDS, these survivors have become my solace, my inspiration.
When you think about it, there’s no time like the present to talk about the future.
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Apolodorus
Beautifully put. I’ve just started to deal with ageing. Your body doesn’t bounce back the way it used to; you start having to choose between life and fitness regimen; your career choices narrow. I want to do it gracefully but I don’t want to become prematurely old in my mind. It’s a though line to take.
Larry
Ageing means you are still alive to me. The alternative is death.
Vince
You must have hit 50. That age is pretty much the gold standard of when you start to notice the aging effects.
TomG
I am 61, and genes have A LOT to do with aging. Fortunately I haven’t wrinkled yet, and hopefully I won’t until I am least 70. At that age I just think I wouldn’t care anyhow.
Teddy Ready
As a 54 year old man, I appreciate the body images of our golden aged men more than ever before.
Scout
The best way to avoid anxiety, fear, and feeling isolated is to break with the conventions of what a gay, single man is “supposed” to be like to fit into the “community.” Being 71 and single, I’ve never tried to live up to those self-imposed standards and the stereotypical. I’ve kept myself healthy, physically and mentally, embraced my own company, and have those few close friends to grow old with.
I think having been born in the late 40’s and experiencing the evolution of gay life from being in the closet to being married, one realizes standards are fluid. They’re what you want them to be for yourself, regardless of your age and societal expectations within the gay community.
Take pride in yourself and don’t try to revolve around others. They have their own dynamics. Be glad you’re still alive to grow old! You have only two choices in life: Die young or Grow old. Which is it for you?
Kangol
Great reply!
david toussaint
Love this heartfelt comment. Thanks!
Darrellx
Best f****** article on queerty!
Thad
Actually…I think it’s just a great start of the discussion. And a million thanks for not mentioning ear hair.
readycarlos
All you ever have to do is get up in the morning every day look in the mirror and like that person looking back at you. Ask yourself would you date him? Are you proud of what he stands for? Would you stand behind all of his words and actions? Are you patient with him? Do you treat him gently and with kindness? Encourage him and give him the credit he deserves? If you can say yes to that, then whatever the world can throw at you to won’t matter.
Vince
I’ve told something very similar many times. Except your list is way bigger. Lol
We all know the type. Older guys who only chase young, out of shape who are only into fit, etc. They hate what they see in the mirror but expect a certain demographic to love them. They’ll sit on their asses waiting for Mr perfect to show up or just pay for it rather then anything realistic.
EvB
Wow. Did you write that? It’s eloquent in its simplicity. And spot on. And just what I needed to hear. Thank you.
Jonnyboy
Love the comment and am in full agreement. Take care of yourself, be good to others and accept the quirky things that make you unique. The rest will fall into place
BN
Signed in (2nd time ever, I think?) solely to second Darrellx’s point.
Bob
Couldn’t agree more! Great story. Nice to hear that, at 49, I’m not ‘almost dead’!
justgeo
Finally something real and truthful I’m 68 and was able to defer most of this till about 63-5 when my body crashed. The other unmentionable is most of use were so damaged we don’t know or have to learn how to feel and share with each other as gay men in a non-sexual emotional way with words and just bond or even ‘be there’ or even be here with themselves and others.
bluberybandit
As I read the article, I grew more and more irritated at what was being said. But yes, the truth does hurt. I think it’s fair to say that a majority of us have been through the parTy scene and/or kept the pharmaceutical industry in business; not to mention the fact of having indulged in activities that would make Satan blush. Once I hit 40, it was scary. Now I’m hitting 47, live with my soulmate and best friend of 24 years (who’s a lesbian), and have no desire to date or meet people. Lack of a sex drive and being 20 lbs. overweight doesn’t help. Fortunately, I have my hair (albeit slightly thinner than it once was).
Being queer allows oneself to throw out what is considered the “societal norm”, if you will. But then what? You have to create your own normalcy in society. At least maturity and experiences in life have helped get us to this stage of life so far. Just remember that there is a fine line between reminiscing and living life in the past. Don’t let your memories create regrets and “I wish I would have…..” scenarios in your head. It’s difficult sometimes, but being where we are now is what we should try focusing on. Pave your own road in life and create your own happiness.
fireman452
All very good info but one thing missing. For the past three years I have been dealing with doctors who are either poorly educated or just following insurance guidelines to the letter. Despite the facts that my father AND his brother had to be treated for prostate cancer, that I was having urinary problems and that twice I found blood in my seamen — my PSA was 2.04 – in the course of 18 months it rose from 0.85 to 2.04. The Dr’s all said everything was fine. My personal Dr did prostate exams and said all was good. Just “normal” enlargement of the prostate with age.
Finally persuaded my Dr to refer me to Shands in Gainesville to Dr Michael Dennis. Dr Dennis became somewhat alarmed about my symptoms and family history and decided to run a 4K score test. Came back that I had less than a 2% chance of developing aggressive prostate cancer in the next 10 years. Dr Dennis did a prostate exam after taking the blood sample and before he got their results. He found a lump on the right side of my prostate. Now he was very alarmed. We did a biopsy and of the 12 samples 5 came back positive for cancer.
Now we are working on what the best procedure would be. Dr Dennis says this happens to a LOT of men — getting caught in this PSA “rule” that ends up killing people. They think they have caught it early but my family Dr said my going to Shands was way over kill. Yeah, if I had not done it it would have been over kill and the one dying would have been me. My Dr told me not to worry, let Him Do the worrying. Only one problem with that HE does not have to do the dying.
Bob
Sounds like a lucky thing that you knew an expert to go to and that he was persistent enough to go past the accepted tests. Wishing you the best of luck beating the cancer. Sounds like you need another family doctor..
ThomP
All guys over 50 should have a PSA test. Insist! Then get the number and record it. Do it again in a year. If your number doubles in less than 1 year you need to talk to a Urologist. NOW.
Tombear
The husband and I are in our 50s. I just retired 2 weeks ago and am enjoying my life so far. I plan on going to the gym a lot more frequent and will play 9 holes every day in the early morning. I want to hold onto my youth as long as possible but I have accepted I’m not the hot young Marine years ago! I have everything I need for now. We go out infrequently and a number of cubs hit on us at the local bear bar. Life is good for the hubby and I in our 50s so I don’t know why so many gay men are concerned with aging. As long as I am in good heath and with the man I love, life is good!
Mark Behar
You are lucky to have found the cancer, and hopefully the treatments selected will effectively eradicate the disease! The goal is to enhance the quality of your life, and your persistence has paid off!!
I’m in family medicine, and PSAs are controversial among urologists and the US Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) who create guidelines most medical people follow. However they are GUIDELINES and nothing in medicine is 100%. But the issue is more complex than just relying on (or not relying on) a test. The PSA is one, and so is the DRE (the digital rectal exam that most of us should not necessarily be uncomfortable with!). But these are only a part of the diagnosis. Family history, and personal symptomatology also have to be considered. And when everything is reviewed, it’s still not 100%. For most men, prostate cancer is a slow and indolent condition that does not affect them til their 80s or beyond. Most men have or develop chronic illnesses such as hypertension, diabetes, chronic kidney and lung diseases, cancers, etc. that affect them when older and affect the quality of life far more than the prostate. Not to be ignored, just thought of in perspective.
Scout
The USPSTF has graded the PSA blood check a “D” not recommended as a standard part of a physical or Medicare wellness visit. The DRE is also unreliable and not recommended as a standard prostate exam any longer. You’re correct that every individual patient’s history must be studied and discussed between doctor and patient regarding any testing. There are no longer any standard prostate tests recommended for every man over 50.
Mark Behar
Aging and sex are more intertwined than we wish to admit. It’s genetics and lifestyle (diet, exercise, drugs) With aging come many chronic conditions including high blood pressure, depression, prostate enlargement, diabetes, hiv, cholesterol, tobacco and alcohol, body weight (gain and being overweight, as well as low weight) and many other conditions treated with medications or lifestyle changes that can adversely affect a man’s ability to get & sustain erections, have a sex drive, ejaculate and have pleasure associated with all of that! It’s not just about viagra (cialis, etc.), but all of the other medications (medication interactions, side effects) that may be taken to treat chronic conditions. Most health care providers are not well informed of the potential side effects of most of the medications they prescribe– not unlike the rest of us being unaware of how eating different foods (fried, fast food, salt, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, white carbs, etc) effect us in the long run. “We don’t know what we don’t know!” But we do know a lot yet still wish to cling to ideas that justify our bad habits and lifestyles!
baal61
Lets cut to the chase’ young gay men need to think about these 5 things’ so when they are no longer cookie creampie cutie they won’t be surprised.
Scout
The gay baby boomer generation is the first to have aged out of the closet. May the younger gays who consider themselves immortal now, take heart, and learn from them that being an elderly gay man is not the end of your gay social life nor necessarily your sex life if you’ve taken reasonable care of yourself and dumped the cigarettes and the drugs.
Celtic
I am 74. Came out with my first partner in 1968. We stayed together for eight years and remained very close until he died in 1996. Comparatively, I am in very good shape. I have been single for many years, and that is fine with me. I do not dwell on it.
I am proud to be a healthy 74 year-old man, gay OR straight because a lot men my age are not in the best of shape regardless of their orientation. I am committed to losing ten pounds, with that 10 all in the gut. (Yuck!). Nissan once had a commercial that went, “Life’s a journey. Enjoy the ride!” I hang tight to that one.
Larry Topping
Your article writer, David, is 54 y/o. He wrote: “Most people who abuse drugs and/or alcohol want to talk about it.” NOT!! They would rather DIE than talk about it! 65-y/o clinical therapist, here, Dual Dx specialist (substance abuse and mental illness).
Heywood Jablowme
Yeah, that seemed dubious to me too. Oh I’ve known a few alcoholics who like to talk about it in a jokey way. (The kind who wear “AA is for quitters” t-shirts… at age 60.) But I’ve NEVER known a drug addict who wanted to talk about it.
DrEvel1
I’ve reached 75, and I can personally testify to the potentially devastating aspects of each of your five categories. The fact is, things are never going to get much better; the only question is the speed of the slide. There are days when I hope it’s slow; others when I’m ready to slipslide. It’s the knowing that the game is already lost that is the most difficult to deal with.
andrewl
As they say growing old is not for cowards. It’s hard and at times scary. Hang in there. I always think you are dead for a long time so make the most of the short time we are alive.
andrewl
Great article and it is so rewarding to read all the comments so thanks everyone! As a 53 year old I can certainly relate to all the issues that have been raised. I have an opinion though that being around younger people (be they children, teenagers or young adults) makes it easier as you get to see and experience through their eyes being young and discovering life. At times it can be exasperating or annoying but it is still worth it. It’s almost evolutionary in my no scientific opinion. We are designed as a species to have young, raise them and care for them. For a lot of us having a family was simply not even considered so do not have our own. However, I can live somewhat through my niece and nephew, their friends, my friends children and of course the grand nieces and even the young employees starting their first job at work. I love talking to them and learning what they think of things and their general outlook. For me this takes some of the sting of getting old.
RickMan2x
Very good point, Andrew. Absolutely correct that living at an advanced age without contact with younger folks is not balanced nor healthy and distorts many perceptions. While youthful attitudes and ways can for sure be annoying, I think it serves as an antidote to the creeping critical disposition that extended age tends to spawn. How great you have discovered the positives of relating to and learning from young employees as they are beginning their journey into adulthood. Similarly I’ve come to treasure even casual exposure to young adults in service oriented jobs like food service, call centers, hotels and such. Just look at the high school students who have responded to the school shooting tragedies recently and how well they have conducted themselves in efforts to find solutions. We olders need all the inspiration we can glean from bright young folks motivated to do good.
john.k
I agree completely with you and RickMan2x. I’m a few months off 70. I’m a member of a gay football club so spend some time with a group of guys in their 20s and 30s. They certainly help to keep me fairly fresh. I went to the Gay Games in Paris with them and had lots of fun. Life is what you make it and a wide range of friends of all ages helps you make the best of it. That can be achieved by joining groups and staying as active as possible.
ShinzonZetiAlpha5
This is a great article. Aging with grace is something that needs to be discussed in the gay community more often. I’m curious though I read about manifesting whatever we want in our lives including a partner. It talked about how they had some older men reminisce about their youth and they ended up ‘de-aging’. I really want to look further into that!
juicer504
Can’t help thinking “there’s nothing in this list of to dos that everyone, regardless of age, wouldn’t benefit from!” Life is always full and ripe with hopes, we group then into a straight line of transitions called ‘age’.. but we know first hand that the feelings and events and opportunities spring up with surprise, certainly, drama, play … a myriad of circumstances that do not always know the name of an age label. Forget all the romantic twaddle of growing old, open the doors of your heart, no matter what age you are!
batesmotel
Aging and growing older has been a sad obsession by most people especially in today’s age with the social media and people flaunting their physiques to get likes and a thumbs up. And while I fall into that category where people admire my body and how I look, it’s never fulfilled me or meant much. It’s always felt shallow and superficial. And no I don’t post selfies or anything like that, but there are enough pics of me for people to notice they’re attracted. I know one should be grateful because eventually that will stop, but that kind of attention has never interested me or meant much. Because I know the reality that they just admire what’s on the outside, which is temporary and fleeting.
Everyone wrestles with aging from as early as their twenties. It’s especially sinister among gay men and straight women. They tend to feel the most judged by aging. Even if they’re not being judged, they’re noticing as they’re getting older their social circle is also dwindling. People are less interested in getting together if they’re not some hard bodied 24 year old without a brain. And I’ve always felt that way, even when I was 13. It had nothing do with growing older.
I fear and worry most for gay men and straight women that are growing older and being discarded by society. Maybe there is no love partner or social circle. Not enough is said in support or solidarity for them in the media, because people don’t care if it’s not hard bodied whatever.
RickMan2x
What a refreshing article AND excellent reader comments. Makes me proud of my peers, though I’m a tad older than most commenting (soon 72). The wisdom expressed on this one page is remarkable, and well-earned, I’m certain. SO true that we elder gay men need to reflect about, talk about and share the mileage we’ve traveled — accomplished in unique ways, in unique times, meeting unique challenges, heart-wrenching disappointments and oh yes, sweet, beautiful victories, for which we are very grateful. Readycarlos’ advice above, about our morning mirror image — and all it tells — is particularly powerful and poignant. Under most any measure, I assure you that the soul looking back at you is a remarkable human being. He has withstood amazing trials, is incredibly resourceful, creative, strong and tenacious almost beyond belief. In sum, a simple man who above all else, understands the importance and power of love and gratitude in his life and in this world. Make a promise to HIM today — that you will all-ways treat him with the respect, kindness and tenderness he has earned and deserves. Start today, if you haven’t yet — consistently celebrating that man with joy! Godspeed.
surreal33
1. Love yourself
2. Bask in the knowledge, wisdom, age has bless you with
3. Strive to maintain mental and physical health
4. Support your fellow gay man
5. Have faith in a higher power
KellyRobinsonJr
T H A N K Y O U! It’s nice to read something with a healthy amount of substance inside, instead of the usual “did you see the size of his ________” that we see most often on Queerty. Thank you, Daddy.
Bob LaBlah
I hope more articles like this appear. Over half of gay men over fifty years of age have no one to call on in an emergency.
Walton-Wylie
I think I’d like to have a big dinner with the author and all commenters. It would be one massive meeting of wisdom and kindness. Thank you sincerely for your thoughts and sharing!
juicer504
W/W…that’s a beautiful vision to imagine.. what a gathering that would be!….but what’s for certain is that such wisdom is not rare at all… it’s the commonwealth we all daily live in. So easy to be distracted by detractors and cynics these days. I gain enormous confidence and gratitude daily as I realise how my living resonates with all I meet, regardless of their label, type, subgroup, or speciality. We are way more alike than different!
daxxter
This is probably one of the most relevant posts I’ve read on gay culture in a very long time. I agree with everything you’ve said. These are all hard topics to share openly. I agree that these are probably among the top ten topics gay men should be sharing with each other.
I find it interesting where your thinking and mine have intersected. Specifically, being told you are worth less than everyone else and not following the gay community’s image of what a gay man should look like. Part of my letting go of those expectations was by and large due to me becoming comfortable with myself as I got older. And as I got older, I became less frivolous, and more willing to see myself through different lenses. I am more sensitive, more thoughtful and more aware of other people around me and how I affect them and they affect me. This is me getting older. The moral of this story is I like myself now more than ever before.
I am like you, my heroes all died of AIDS. I am cutting my path and figuring everything out on my own. I used to consider myself an optimistic person. Lessons in life have made me a realistic optimist. I am ok with being alone, I am also ok with finding someone but I’m not stressing over either one anymore and that’s a big deal for me. Took me years to figure that out.
I go to the gym for my personal heath, not to look good in a dick pic. I read and paint to keep myself mentally and creatively challenged. I don’t mind getting old because of who I am now. I wish as a community, we had more respect for each other than we do. That alone would make getting older less troublesome for most people.
QuietGay
Across both the article, and the comments, I read an incessant obsession with physical appearances and expectations. David mentions his arms have never met his own approval. Almost everyone else lists the number of times a week they work out.
At the end if the day, is that what everyone is seeking in partners? Someone who can prove they did X number of squats or bench presses or overhead curls? Does the idea of commitment, affinities, aesthetic and emotional exploration no longer hold value?
This ethos is why I abondoned dating six years ago, six years after my partner’s death. A person to whom my physical appearance paled in comparison to the emotional and psychological joy and support we could give each other. The evolving measurements of my arms, glutes, quads, pecs, or whatever the body part du jour, played no role in connection. That doesn’t seem to be the aim in this discussion.
I posted, David, last week that you were a powerful reminder of why trying to date after 50, particularly in a large urban center, is a futile if not masochistic endeavor. This entire column only reinforces that. The obsession with undefined and ever fluctuating ideas of physical perfection is something the majority of gay men can never achieve. The joys of mental, emotional, aesthetic commity are ignored or dismissed.
Birdbrain1963
You forgot the biggest one. Health…
Nightman
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry AT you people. You’re worried about your gym appearance, thinning hair, maintaining your aging status quo. Hahaha. When I was 47 I went from being a vibrant, virile, very socially active gay man to nothing in a split second. I was Gay bashed & had my back broken. I’m a paraplegic. I’m invisible to my very disgusting discriminating gay family & friends. Your concerned about not getting erections on demand anymore. I’m concerned about somehow getting something to eat. Your days are busy with gym routines & brunches. I lay in bed alone day after day with NOTHING to do. I can’t afford cable TV. My big event is to clean my cat’s litter box. To go out is a huge chore. Everyone gets annoyed with me being in the way with my wheelchair. Delaying the bus while I try to get on/off. Try to find a washroom to empty your colostomy bag in. People jump up to help an old lady with her walker. They look at me with disgust cuz I need a wheelchair accessible table for 1 at a restaurant. You enjoy time with your families, living vicariously through your younger relatives. I get the token Christmas card. You are all so selfish & self centered its pathetic. I’m part of YOUR Gay family too. But I’m invisible to YOU. You talk about only having a few close friends. My phone hasn’t rang in months, maybe 1/2 a dozen times in a year, & those are reminder calls about a Dr. appt. Every day I wake up is even more depressing than the last, cuz I’m still alive. Like the rest of society you only see what you choose to allow into your pretty lives. You choose to ignore the reality of your entire Gay family. You worry about not having a partner. My old cat is my best friend & partner. He’s been far more faithful than any human has ever been. The rainbow flag is an icon meant to be inclusive of all people. Next time you see it, think about me & all the other people YOU refuse to see & include in your life. You all have no idea how fortunate you are. Try being old & gay & disabled. Hahahahaha.