Actor and writer Kal Penn came out over the weekend. The Harold and Kumar and House star is promoting his new memoir, You Cannot Be Serious, in which he talks about being with his partner, Josh, for the past 11 years. The men are engaged.
Yesterday, as part of the book’s promotion, he took part in an AMA (ask me anything) on Reddit. One Redditor asked him why come out now? Had Penn, 44, considered coming out before?
Penn replied, “Great question! I figured out my sexuality relatively late in life compared to many other people – I know there’s no timeline on this kinda stuff, so I’m very happy that I did when I did!
“Josh and I have been together for 11 years and (like my parents) he doesn’t love attention, so it was a tricky dance that I know many couples do, out of respect to their partners’ privacy, on how much of their lives to share and when.
“In writing my book, I’m so excited to share lots of things I hadn’t before, including—definitely— more about Josh, how we met (over an 18 pack of Coors Light and a NASCAR race), that we’re engaged, and also more about my parents’ background, how they grew up and came to America—the things that make up my unlikely life story.”
Over the weekend, Penn revealed that he met his partner whilst he was living in DC. Penn took a two-year break from acting between 2009-2011 to work for the Obama administration as principal associate director in the Office of Public Engagement (2009-2011).
He recalled Josh turning up at his apartment with an 18-pack of Coors Light and proceeding to immediately switch the TV to NASCAR racing.
“I thought, ‘This obviously is not going to work out,” he recalls. “I have one day off from The White House and this dude is unironically watching cars go around and make left turns? Next thing you know, it’s been a couple months and we’re watching NASCAR every Sunday. I’m like, ‘What is happening?’”
Another Redditor asked Penn, “What was it like working under the Obama administration, given his stance on gay marriage during that time?”
Barak Obama entered the White House saying he supported civil unions for same-sex couples, but was against same-sex marriage, citing his Christian beliefs. He later changed his view.
Penn replied, “I went into that job knowing that I wouldn’t ever agree with 100% of what the admin was doing (or not doing). I know this is how most of us figure out who we’re voting for anyway – see who most fits with our values and beliefs.
“In the case of the White House, your role as an aide is to abide by the oath you took (to protect and defend the constitution, etc) but internally you also have a chance to advocate for certain policies to change and evolve. It can be super frustrating that politics moves so slowly, but I’m also really glad for the outcome of a lot of that work.”
Cam
Congratulations to him for coming out!
But I have to admit, I get tired of people blaming their partner or family for not coming out, just say “Hey, its a bigoted world and I thought it would effect my career” etc.
Because apparently his boyfriend doesn’t like attention and that’s why he didn’t come out, but now suddenly he’s ok with attention? Likely not, likely Pen got more comfortable, and the bigotry doesn’t worry him as much, or he’s seen the industry get a bit better.
But still Congratulations and I wish him the best!
SumSay
The people in their circle already knew, he just hadn’t come out publicly (it wasn’t relevant to the work he was doing anyway). Kal doesn’t owe anyone any explanations, he did it on his terms and when it was ok with his partner. He did right.
Donston
Whether he’s telling the truth about his partner wanting privacy and not wanting the public to know for 11 years, who knows? Perhaps his fiancé did want to be very low-key. Perhaps his partner wasn’t completely out and self-comfortable. But it’s also very easy to put it on the person who isn’t a public figure. I just take everything these public figures present with a grain of salt and keep it pushing.
I kinda feel like more people need to respond to that question with an “because I didn’t feel like”. If it was mostly about ego, insecurities and career then oh well. It’s not as if he was out here having women be his beards and trying to be “straight presenting”. It’s not like he pushed anti-queer legislation. It’s not as if he’s ever publicly been anti-gay, has said homo shaming things or has exuded gay panic. It’s not as if anything he’s said in the past or now is problematic. So, there’s no need to feel some type of way about him. While we don’t know his family life, religious background, potential bouts with mental health, queer insecurities, internalized phobias, fluidity, paraphiliacs, questioning his placement in the gender, sexual, romantic, emotion, commitment spectrum.
So, there’s no need to throw shade. Either you believe him and support him or you don’t. But no need to respond like a bitter, angry queen. I get it with some of these manipulative, double-speaking, leeching guys, but it’s not needed here.
Cam
See, and there it is, you can’t respond without making it personal.
I can feel anyway I want to. And my comment was about bigotry in the industry and how that could have effected his comfort level or his partners. WHY didn’t he feel comfortable etc…
Your problem is that you wait for somebody to comment and then use it as an excuse for a personal attack. Perhaps you should talk to somebody about why you do that.
Until then, I am very free to point out that he is still with the same guy who he used as the excuse for not coming out, and yet now, he is promoting a book and coming out in the most public way possible. It is fair to ask what changed, it is fair to point out that the hesitation may have been due more to industry bigotry.
There, I’ve posted again, feel free to lash out with some more homophobic pejoratives.
Donston
I can’t tell if this is Cam 1 or Cam 2. I don’t really have time for either of you. If it’s the Cam who wrote the first post then you’re the one taking shit personally, as usual. Nothing in my post was attacking your comment and my comment doesn’t even really contradict yours. I didn’t even read that post before I wrote mine, nor was I was even thinking about you when I wrote it. It’s called trying to look at topics from as nuanced a perspective as possible and trying not to make things personal. Two things you seem incapable of. But not everyone here has a hard-on for you despite your never ending hard-on for everyone else.
Cam
If you’re going to be disingenuous why bother to respond? You just said ” If it’s the Cam who wrote the first post then you’re the one taking shit personally, as usual.”
Yet you’re the one who said at the end of your post “So, there’s no need to throw shade. Either you believe him and support him or you don’t. But no need to respond like a bitter, angry queen. ”
Yeah, nothing personal there. LOL Again, a little self reflection would do you a world of good.
Donston
If I was directly going at you, I would have no problem saying so. Just like I wouldn’t have a problem unabashedly going at anyone who posts here. I don’t subtweet or deny direct hits. I was responding to some of the hateful comments under the previous Kal article. So, get over yourself. However, if you see yourself as a “bitter queen” then do you. Now, please move on before you venture into troll/harassing territory.
Openminded
Oh, I so hope Cam2 is back!! Donston, you are so grounded. I appreciate almost everything you post.
Jake123
Lol @Cam saying @Donston makes personal attacks. How many of us are right wing trolls here again Cam ?
man5996853
@Cam Your comment wasn’t about bigotry in the industry. It was a passive-aggressive attack on the actor. Congrats for coming out. I don’t know you or your boyfriend but your reasons for waiting so long were bs. But…congratulations. That was the essence of your post.
You have no problem going after Kal but Donston’s general statement, which wasn’t even a direct reply to your comment, was somehow unfairly personal? Please.
Cam
@man5996853 @Jake123 @Openminded
3 known troll screenames rushing in to defend. Yeah, that’ll work. (Eye Roll).
Jake123
@Cam Haha way to prove my point you loser!!
Gadfeal
One must also be aware that his family’s background culture, that I assume to be of Indic subcontinent, may have represented an additional pressure for “omerta”. As a visible minority, immigrant, Kal is one of very few S.Asian-American successful actors; the risk to his career would be doubly consequential – an almost lone actor of Indic-American origin, and, visibility among Indic subcontinental communities. When you are one of the few in your “group” to be successful in public entertainment, you are under pressure to be a “role model”, only in Kal’s case, the pressure was on two fronts.
Cam
As somebody who represents a group really underrepresented in Hollywood I love that he did this, and did it this openly. Hopefully young kids with a similar background who are LGBTQ will now feel that they see someone they can look up to on screen.
andy0529
So funny …..when I first saw him in “White Castle” I said he’s gay…just like NPH in “under cover brother”, Regardless of what you think or heard, DC does a lot to protect gay Politicians ….trust me in a few years someone is push a certain newly married “Rotten” Politician out of his closet.
cubcmh
I like Kal. I think he’s a talented actor, writer. Smart. I appreciate his stint in public service. That being said…
Can we stop celebrating people who wait until they’ve become successful to come out? Let’s instead celebrate those who came out anyway, early or at the beginning of their careers. Didn’t take the easier path, yet still became successful.
Or maybe didn’t, but paved the way for the rest of us. They’re my heroes.
hamoboy
No because kids coming out just as they’re beginning homophobic careers is why they barely have careers. Just look at Michael Sam. The gay media got all the juicy headlines they wanted out of him then moved on to the next while his career prospects flatlined. He could’ve been mediocre in any number of teams had he been straight. But he wasn’t, and so he had to be amazing just to stay on the bench.
Even for white actors like Matt Bomer, the revelation that they’re queer put their careers in a lower trajectory than it would’ve gone had they been straight. Why do you think Tom Hardy and Luke Evans clammed right up about being queer? Do you think Richard Madden would be in the Eternals if he was on every gay blog giving interviews about being queer?
Let’s let gay people come out in their own time, when they’re most comfortable and safe, as long as they aren’t hurting anyone. It’s easy for us to sit in the anonymity of this comments section and say “Nah, this one was too late” “No, he’s just pushing his latest book”, but it’s another for these very real people to try to carve out careers in fields that are incredibly and often cryptically hostile to LGBT people. How do you push back against being type-cast as a character actor instead of a leading man after coming out publicly? Apparently, you don’t. You just make the public forget you ever came out. How do you prove that you got dropped from a team for being gay? You can’t if you’re not one of the few players in a generation who obviously stand above the rest. Do I like it? No. Do I demand my favourite actor or athlete has to sacrifice their career to *maybe* fix the issue? No.
demeroh
Wow! His first statement & only his first was in reference to his coming out. He came into his sexuality rather late in life, there was no time & he is happy the way it evolved. I read nothing to indicate he was hiding behind either Josh or his parents.
This is someone who is juggling many aspects of his life; coming to terms with a part of his identity, navigating a career which there are not many of his ethnic background, being in a same sex relationship. It’s refreshing because he does not have to appeal to stereotypes & he didn’t have to be self hating, & destructive nor apologetic in order to find his truth. It’s a process. Good for you Kal!
His statement regarding his fiance & family is in reference to writing the book & what he wanted to include regarding them, knowing that his fiance & parents are private people & shy away from the spotlight.
We still know very little about Josh & his Kal’s parents, because they are private individuals & that’s fine & Kal’s respect their privacy.
Mack
It’s really disturbing when a bunch of queens attack someone for when they come out. It’s his business when he wants to do so and no one else’s unless he goes around attacking members of the LGBTQ community. Someone commented it was because now he was successful, hell he’s been successful for way over a decade or more. Perhaps his boyfriend didn’t want the publicity that goes with a known person that comes out. How about people minding their own business and let people be themselves.
DarkZephyr
We have to remember that everyone comes out at their own pace. Its what we all want for ourselves. Why give less to others? I do not GET the bitter bettys who attack people the moment they come out, claiming “they should have done it sooner” or the “only reason they’re doing it now is publicity”, etc. The “publicity” one always gets me because its like “OK..you say this person was in the closet because they were afraid of what it would do to their career but now you say they’re coming out because they they think it will help their career?” Maybe they’re coming out now because they finally feel safe in doing so…or they have finally gathered the courage OR maybe its exactly what he said it was. What does it matter? We should be supporting our brother, not tearing him down.
BoomerMyles
He didn’t come out sooner because he didn’t have a book to promote.
SDR94103
he’s full of crap.
dhmonarch89
‘why didn’t I come out sooner…. I didn’t have a book to promote….’ duh.
DarkZephyr
lol A gay man comes out and y’all have nothing but c*nty things to say.
Donston
Definitely a lot of unfounded kunt-i-ness. But that’s not anything new here. I will admit that it is awkward to “come out” and to reveal an 11 year commitment when you don’t have much going on in your career and when you are promoting your new book. It’s very easy to come off like you’re only willing to be truly “out” and unabashedly show your queer commitment when you have the least at stake or when it’s time to monetize, to get buzz, to get clicks and subscribers. The excessively basic and bitchy comments are cringey though. Shit is typically (however not always) quite a bit more complicated and individual than that.
dinard38
I’ve been reading the comments on Queerty for a few years now. I’ve noticed that there’s a lot of bitter bitches on here. You just can’t win with them. They’re so damn cynical about everything. SMH.
cuteguy
He didn’t come out earlier bc he wasn’t selling a book, plain and simple. It wasn’t convenient for him to come out earlier. He was afraid it would hurt his career. I have to agree with @Cam that it’s not cool to hide behind your parents or your partner. It’s complete and utter nonsense. He only came out to sell his book. It’s pretty obvious
hamoboy
The bitter bitch brigade is out in full force today it seems.
Kal isn’t coming out to: (1) distract from pending prosecution (2) cast himself as a moral arbiter or guru on whatever topic (3) extend his 15 seconds of fame (he’s been moderately successful in many avenues for almost 20 years).
For me that’s all I need to say “Good for him, and I hope I see him in something mainstream again soon.”
Anthonyshine
Please, he only kept it private publicly because of the business he is in. All about the roles and $$$’s.
Once i came out to my family in 1990 at 23, i didn’t care who else knew including my employer and co-workers. i still work for the same employer and always had the best co-workers.
jackscott
I hate when people with fame/influence don’t come out sooner, if they are living the gay life in behind closed doors. I get folks come to terms at different times, however, this just looks like a guy that wanted to get $ and now has enough to be open. Not interested in his story!
MISTERJETT
why do you hate it? it’s no concern of yours when they choose to come out.
scotty
time to reshoot harold and kumar go to the white castle in key west.
hey jon cho cmon along for the ride.
DennisMpls
I have to say, reading Queerty comments is really depressing, which is why I don’t do it very often. As dinard38 says, there are so many “bitter bitches” who are always “so damn cynical about everything.” Every single time someone comes out who is not very young there is analysis about why they did it now, why they didn’t do it sooner, what is really motivating them, and on and on. The TRUTH of the matter is that none of us know the answers to any of those things, and I don’t understand the need to try to parse through the “clues,” and then announce our conclusions.
I’ve read multiple comments stating it as fact that he only came out now to sell a book. We sure as hell don’t know that. It’s every bit as likely that he came out now because he knew that any type of memoir would have to include his sexuality. Perhaps he only wrote it now because he only now became comfortable coming out to the world. Perhaps he only wrote it now because Josh just recently became comfortable enough. And no, this isn’t me speculating. I have no idea, nor do any of you. I’m just saying there are multiple possible explanations, and it’s none of my business which is accurate.
I’m reminded of one of the most stupid comments I’ve read from a fellow gay person, after George Takei came out. I think this was a letter to the editor in the print version of TV Guide, which tells you how long ago it was. The letter writer ripped into George as a coward, saying he should have come out when he was on Star Trek, when it would have had some impact. Wow, just wow.
Donston
The funny thing is that I’m sure about half of the people bitching about how someone didn’t come out when they were 8 were themselves closeted until their 30s or older or may even still be closeted. They’re projecting. While the other half simply does not understand that everyone’s circumstances are different, doesn’t get just how sociology and homophobia affects people in different ways, don’t understand mental health and ego struggles, don’t understand sexuality or fluidity or questioning or the gender, sexual, romantic, emotion, commitment spectrum. Therefore, you get two halves of bitterness and stupidity feeding off of each other.
However, people don’t need to be sycophants. There are definitely folks who are all about playing the game and spend years actively manipulating. They put their careers and egos above everything else. They try to perfectly construct an image and persona. They never take responsibility for their actions. And they only reveal certain things at opportune times and then quickly try to take advantage of it for advancement of their careers, bank accounts, ego. There is no denying this stuff. But as usual, people have a hard time looking at things with any nuance or looking at people and their circumstances individually.
MISTERJETT
he should have said “because we come out in our own time and not when someone else thinks we should”.
mastik8
Penn is being treated this way and previously Elvira’s Cassandra Peterson Was ‘Most Worried’ About Her LGBTQ Fans’ Reaction to Her Coming Out late. We’re beginning to eat our own.
RTG
Let’s remember there are straight couples where one person is a celebrity and the other is a “regular person” and wants NOTHING to do with the spot light celebrity brings: Dolly Parton’s husband, Meryl Streep’s husband, etc., etc. And what about Robin Robert’s partner? Actors can and do have relationships with non-celebrities who don’t like press.
Seth
Better book sales, apparently.
Ryan99
As long as you aren’t an enemy of the community, you can have all the time you want as far as I’m concerned. I’ll applaud those who are brave enough to come out, but I’m not shaming those who don’t.
Josiah Freshmount
The questioning of when someone decides to come out is almost always one asked in bad faith. Let people come out when it is right for them and celebrate instead of interrogate them. We need to help make it easier for people to come out and this type of judgmental bullshit doesn’t help at all.