heartbreak zoo-tel

A proud pink playlist for the gay flamingo breakup, may they fly free

Photo via Denver Zoo Keeper Anton M.

Though it’s a bit garish to get too attached to celebrity couples, sometimes their parting is a sweet sorrow to us all.

In this case, people the world over are reeling from the recent uncoupling of queer icons Freddie Mercury and Lance Bass (no relation) (flamingos).

Hot goss out of the Denver Zoo is that Freddie, an old queen in his early 50s, recently left Lance (freshly 21) for a 14-year-old friend named Iommi. Iommi is a grown woman in flamingo years surely, but that doesn’t make Freddie’s cradle-robbing, messy-bisexual behavior any less messy.

Tense break notwithstanding, we celebrate that we got to witness the queer romance of the ill-fated flamboyance that was Lance and Freddie.

In honor of the pair’s love story, here’s a playlist of seven songs that may just help mend any broken hearts among them:

“I’m Like A Bird” by Nelly Furtado

With lines like “your faith in me brings me to tears” and “I’m going to have to eventually give you away,” Freddie could’ve penned this song to Lance himself. Hopefully he doesn’t fly away from Iommi quite as readily, but maybe it’s just in his nature?

“Skinny Love” by Birdy

For these flamingos, their skinny love did not last the year. Avian balladier Birdy gives the perfect cover to this fragile Bon Iver tune that asks, “love, what happened here?”

“If I Could Fly” by One Direction

This yearning number will be the soundtrack to the vulnerable moments that find the two missing each other. Though flamingos aren’t flightless birds — we double-checked — most captive birds have their wings pinioned, making them incapable of flight. But if they could fly, maybe they really would fly back to one another.

“When Doves Cry” by Prince

The ex-couple could play this  breakup classic that describes “animals striking curious poses” on a loop ad infinitum. “Why do we scream at each other?” the track begs. I mean, flamingos don’t really have any other method communication, but still.

“Two Birds” by Regina Spektor

This song tells the story of one bird flying away, and another who “says he wants to as well, but he is a liar.” This track will probably hit a little harder for whichever member of the pair wasn’t quite as “mutual” in their mutual split.

“Wings” by Little Mix

This is going to be Lance’s post-breakup empowerment jam for sure. He’s gonna get his feathers preened, beak polished, skin glowing (extra pink via his shrimp diet, of course) and step in that aviary on a Saturday night look like the only flamingo on the floor.

“I Only Have Eyes For You” by The Flamingos

We draw the playlist to a close with the couple’s favorite music group. Hopefully this romantic doo-wop classic can help remind Freddie and Lance of the good times, of the loving beginning of it all when it seemed like anything was possible. The memories may hurt at first, but hopefully in time those scars will soften into a fond nostalgia.

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