Maybe Katy knew something we didn’t?
Radar Online is reporting that Russell Brand — the guy who annoyed the hell out of all of us a few years ago, was supposed to be a big star and then wasn’t, and ended his marriage to Katy Perry via text message — had a not-so-secret gay hookup while filming a British documentary a few years back.
In a podcast interview with fellow annoying British comedian Richard Herring, Brand admits to having, um, digital relations with a guy in a bathroom stall. We have all the lurid details, but be careful, they’re NSFKYLD (Not Safe For Keeping Your Lunch Down):
“I trawled around Soho…going [to] various gay bars, gay gyms trying to pick people up with a film crew,” he said.
“I went in this pub and I goes: ‘Anyone want me to wank them off? And this bloke goes, ‘Yep’. Like as if I was saying: ‘Does anyone want a packet of crisps [potato chips] from the bar…?’”
“So we goes to the lavvy – me, him, the director – and…he gets his willy out. And it was not nice. The phallus is…I like mine and you see some others in paintings that look all right but his looked like a rag. I took it betwixt my fingers thusly. It were [sic] like massaging a naked mole rat and it wouldn’t go hard!”
“And we’re…in the toilet with the director standing there filming me and he goes, ‘I think…it would be easier if I was able to touch yours’.”
“And I [thought] ‘Fucking hell mate, do us a favor!’ And the director goes: ‘Go on Russell it would be funny…’”
“So I take down my trousers and pants…and then the bloke sort of mauled at my genitals while I wanked him off. After about 11 minutes, he spat a string of grey jism.”
11 minutes? Amateur. Meanwhile, anyone else need a shower after that? Here’s hoping Russell’s next dip in the manpond is a bit hotter…or at least involves a more aesthetically-pleasing penis. #sizequeen