As a service to the gay community, throughout this Valentine’s Day season, Queerty is playing Anne Landers/Dan Savage to the online gay world of Craigslist, our favorite go-to spot for unintentional hilarity. We’ll give our advice to online suitors, but we hope you’ll get involved as well, helping to play cupid to the digital masses teeming to breathe heavy.
Today’s lovelorn seeker comes from our national glory hole, better known as the U.S Senate:
we’re new interns in the senate together – m4m – 22 (Senate)
Reply to: [email protected] [?]
Date: 2009-01-28, 8:01PM ESTWe both just started as interns in the Senate. We spent pretty much all day together. We had lunch together. You are a really cool guy and probably straight, but I thought I would give this a shot. Describe yourself to me to see if it’s a match.
With Larry Craig out of the Senate, chances that this post is actually a carefully crafted fishing expedition by one of our legislators is greatly diminished, so for the moment we’re going to assume that this post is genuine.
First off, congratulations are in order for a young Senate intern. What a prestigious honor and what an exciting time to be working in the hallowed halls of Congress. However, dear intern, trolling for Senate trade on Craigslist is a rather inauspicious way to begin one’s political career.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Perhaps you haven’t heard this, but “intern” and “sex” are two words the media love to string together. Chances are, you’re new to D.C., so here’s some pointers on how to get your rocks off in the seat of power.
No office romances!
Now, this is just good form for any job, but an on-the-job romance is even more perilous when your boss is able to raise your taxes and declare war. Say you do hook-up with your fellow intern pal. If the Mark Foley scandal taught us anything, it’s that the Senate intern pool is like Perez Hilton on The View: everyone gossips and nobody cares if its true. This is because, other than the fact that the fate of millions hangs on the decision-makers around you, Washington is a really dull and boring town. Do you really want to get the nickname “The Purple Tunnel of Doom” in your first few weeks on the job?
Realize the power of the phrase “Senate intern.”
Just because you can’t get it on with your fellow interns doesn’t mean that your sex-life is doomed, however. You can go to town any weekend you want, go up to any guy in the place you want, tell them you’re a Senate intern and they will go home with you. It doesn’t matter if you’re 300lbs and suffering from chronic halitosis, the phrase “Senate intern” will get you laid every time.
Realize the power of not using the phrase “Senate intern.”
The downside to dropping the “intern” bomb, is that people will use your connections. This is why your boss hires hookers. Hookers (usually) don’t talk. Now, we’re not advocating prostitution, but you should consider coming up with a convenient lie as to who you really are and what you do. You’ll find that, over time, this is what most people in D.C. do. It’s the only city in the world where the first thing to come out of someone’s mouth after saying, “You’re cute” is “All this is off the record.” Besides, don’t you want people to like you for yourself and not your burgeoning political power? Actually, as a politician-in-training, chances are you want the ego trip.
Aww, screw it. We would totally watch a Senate intern porn if such a thing existed (“Yes, We Cum!”), just don’t come crying to us when your boss asks why your boss catches you with your pants down on the Dirksen and Hart subway.
What advice do you have for a young man looking for love in the halls of power?
Scott
Actually, I’d go with not mentioning you’re a “Senate Intern” when interacting with the DC gays. All interns do is respond to Constituent Mail and dash arround trying to look important. So drop the intern act and go with the I’m the newest twink in town. You’ll definitly get laid that way
bboy
@Scott: I totally agree with this–“senate intern” is DC-speak for “bullshit job”. And would certainly second the “don’t shit where you eat” suggestion. I have seen friends crash and burn at jobs where they dipped the wick. Unless sleeping with someone can get you a raise don’t even think about it.
cruiser
@bboy: You are right in that the term “Senate Intern” is poli-speak for “I’m a flunkie and have no real job” the best thing a new, young, gay, politician in training can do is to tell his potential “date” is he works at the Capital and leave at that, if he is pressed for details he can always say “my job description is classified, and I’m not alloed to discuss it” that will get him laid, cause who doesn’t like a little mystery in their man?!
cruiser
To all those new, young Senate interns, remember the WHOLE COUNTRY is watching you just to see if you are going to slip, this country loves nothing more than a good political scandal ESPECIALLY when it involves interns(think Monica Lewinsky)watch where & with whom you “do it” cause one misstep and you are bounced outta there and marked for life and your future political career(if that’s what you wanted)is down the tubes.
History will NOT be kind.
Cornelius
As a former Hill intern and staffer, my advice is to NEVER gook up with office mates, but do hit up the free receptions, like the ones hosted in Longworth’s Gold Room. Receptions are where all the non paid and low paid Hill workers go to network and blow off steam, drink free booze and eat decent food. You can usually recognize a few faces from JR’s or house parties here.
Also, Hit up Hawk and Dove on Penn. Ave. It may seem like it’s full of meat heads and barely legal Catholic Uni students, but it’s a Hill intern institution, and good place to start your night on the cheap.
Don’t wear your badge outside of the office, it’s douchey. Try to step outside of the world of “The Hill” and meet some locals. Go to Malcom X Park’s drum circle, explore Mt. Pleasant’s architecture, join a sports team or volunteer at Whitman Walker Clinic. It’s a great way to meet different people and experience a different side to the city.
Steve
If a male senate intern could get into a relationship with a right-wing bigot who happens to be a senator, perhaps get some pictures or video in a very private place, he could do the country a lot of good.
Penn Reel
As a Newbie, I am always searching online for articles that can help me on this subject. Thank you!