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  SMURFSCRIMINATION!

Don’t Smurfwash Vanity Smurf Out Of The Smurfs Movie!

Thanks to advancements in Smurf-related technology, we’re all about to be treated to a 3D digitally animated feature-length film, The Smurfs (opening July 29),  in which a handful of the miniature blue whatever-they-are find themselves lost in the wilds of New York City and befriended by Neil Patrick Harris.

Based on trailers made available, Smurfs in the year 2011 are more prone to open belching, falling into human-sized toilets and referring to their genital areas–presuming they actually have those–as “enchanted forests.” They’ve also seen fit to update their sing-a-happy-song song, mashing it up with Tone Loc’s “Wild Thing.”

And all that is well and good.

But where’s Vanity Smurf, the self-described “misundersmurfed,” effete, flower-in-the-hat-wearing, coded gay one with the imperious manner, narcissism and prissy voice? Where’s his hand mirror? Where? (crash course in all things Vanity Smurf featured in above video–it’s not like you’re getting any work done on the Friday before the 4th of July anyway) Technically, of course, the entire Smurf universe is fairly gayed up, what with tons of shirtless men cavorting about with their lone female friend, but Vanity’s specific brand of vintage homo stereotyping is like a comforting cup of cocoa in a cold, cruel universe and we won’t stand for being cheated out of his presence.

Therefore, he better damn well be in the finished product or we’re going to summon the ghost of Vito Russo to come curse the smurf out of this movie.

By:           Dave White
On:           Jul 1, 2011
Tagged: , , , , ,

  • 11 Comments
    • GreatGatsby2011
      GreatGatsby2011

      Yeah, because it would just be awful to remove an offensively stereotyped character from a major motion picture.

      Jul 1, 2011 at 11:47 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • fredo777
      fredo777

      Sadly, they might have removed the only gay-ish character from the movie BECAUSE they were afraid of possible LGBT backlash. Can’t even enjoy a good old-fashioned femmetoon anymore.

      :*[

      Jul 1, 2011 at 11:55 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Always be bitching (but lose all credibility)
      Always be bitching (but lose all credibility)

      Heh. Thanks for proving my point so quickly, Queerty.

      BTW, you are so quick to label everyone who disagrees with your take on things “assholes” and the like. But someone who looks desperately for things to bitch about, and who turns *everything* into a political point or a sign of discrimination — that person (or those people) are, it strikes me, either mentally unbalanced or, well, just plain assholes.

      I won’t presume to guess which of the two diagnoses applies to this site. But one of the two certainly does.

      Jul 1, 2011 at 11:56 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • SuperCat
      SuperCat

      Vanity is in the movie.

      He is voiced by John Oliver from The Daily Show with John Stewart.

      Jul 1, 2011 at 11:57 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      Actually I assumed that Hefty, the bodybuilder smurf with the tattoo and handy were the gay ones.

      Jul 1, 2011 at 12:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Tony
      Tony

      If Vanity is in the movie, gays will complain the film promotes gay stereotypes. If Vanity isn’t in the movie, gays will complain Vanity was unjustly removed because he’s a (possibly gay character). And the biggest promoters of gay stereotypes are GAYS anyway. Hey gays…Bitch about something that matters!!

      Jul 1, 2011 at 1:25 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Scott Gatz
      Scott Gatz · Queerty Editor

      Vanity doesn’t come off as gay to me, just kind of a narcissist. Only thing that might be gay is the flower/voice combo, but let’s hope there wasn’t a satiric connotion: gay men are narcissists.

      Personally, I always identified with Brainy smurf anyway. He didn’t play sports either and was always studying. Guess he/I was repressing something…

      Jul 1, 2011 at 2:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Danielle
      Danielle

      I have a hypothesis: Since they never really explained Smurfette’s origins but the Smurf village is full of guys… the first trans-girl in an animated film? Hey, I can dream, can’t I?

      @Cam: Handy is the resident Bear. xD

      @SuperCat: Ooo… John Oliver? Good choice. Did you notice that Hank Azaria is Gargamel? Priceless.

      Jul 1, 2011 at 4:06 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Queer Supremacist
      Queer Supremacist

      Queerty is reduced to arguing over a children’s film that’s likely to be terrible and will be in the DVD bargain bin at Big Lots before the next president takes office. What was the point of reviving this cesspool? Did the bridge that all the trolls live under collapse?

      Isn’t Neil Patrick Harris in this movie? So it won’t be totally ungay. But I’m guessing there won’t be a movie version of Snagglepuss any time soon.

      @Danielle: They did explain the origin of Smurfette:

      “Smurfette is a female smurf who was created by Gargamel. In the cartoon she originally had black hair, though this turned blonde when Papa Smurf worked all night to make her a real smurf. ”

      Source:

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_The_Smurfs_characters

      Does this mean the Smurfs are Clones? That’s pretty gay.

      Jul 1, 2011 at 11:11 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mike
      Mike

      Why are we talking about Smurfs….no seriously…can we have an article about a lesbian stuck in a tree or some sort of shrubbery? Certainly must be a slow day in the gay community with news if we’re having a pissing match over not having a stereotypical character in the Smurfs movie, who we would ultimately bitch about if he was portrayed the was he was in the cartoon..

      ….PS you make my head explode in a bad way..

      Jul 2, 2011 at 2:23 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • suril
      suril

      Wasn’t there another female smurf?…That young adventurous red-head tomboy. I doubt she’s in the movie..maybe they were afraid she was too butch. When I was a kid, I never thought of Vanity being gay..I just thought he was just into himself…and asexual. My parents had no problems with us watching the show. Anyway..I think all smurfs should be included. But doesn’t matter since I refuse to watch this movie. There’s a new Winnie the Pooh movie..and it looks close to the classic without all that modern lingo and mainstream reference. Why can’t they do the same with the Smurfs? Let them stay in their magical medieval forest..or whatever it was.

      Jul 6, 2011 at 8:27 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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