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Douchebag Rehab: 8 Ways Ex-Ex-Gays Can Redeem Themselves

ex-ex-gays

Now that ex-gays are beginning to come into the queer light, realizing the harm they’ve done and recanting their previously poorly held beliefs, it’s time they start doing some good. Luckily, everyone loves a comeback, but if Hollywood has taught us anything, that only happens after a lengthy rehab session. Or six (hey Lindsay, we’re not judging…that much). While Alan Chambers isn’t going to appear in The Canyons any time soon, here are eight ways he and his kind can begin easing down the long roads towards public redemption.

Check out Queerty’s tips for ex-ex-gays to rehab their images.

Apologize for Generally Being The Worst

Exodus-Apologizes

Ex heads of Exodus, the world’s preeminent ex-gay ministry (so they’re ex-Ex-ex-gays) Alan Chambers and Randy Thomas apologized for hurting LGBT people with their brand of batshit crazy. While that in no way makes up for the harm they caused, it’s at least a baby step in the right direction.

Campaign to Ban Reparative Therapy

pray your gay away

But it’s not enough to say “I’m sorry” — they ought to address the dangerous and debunked practice of reparative therapy. Several states have already passed bans on gay conversion therapy on youth, including New Jersey and California, but there’s been a fair share of opposition.

Put Your Money Where You Mouth Is

milkmoney

That also means throwing money at that and other pro-LGBT causes — lots of it. But it’s okay, because that’s just the money they squeezed out of misguided homosexuals and/or their parents. It’s sort of like gaying it backward.

Come Out Already

John Paulk

Grab the hatchet and start swinging away at that closet door. Ex-gays should learn to be honest with themselves for a change, like John Paulk. He no doubt looked in the mirror one day and saw that bottle blond hair, saw the beard on his face and by his side on that old cover of Newsweek, his wife Ann, and said, ‘who am I kidding?’ No one, queen. No one.

Let Go Of Letting God

gay-jesus

It’s certainly possible to be openly gay and openly religious, whether you’re Mormon, Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, or what have you. But as with all things, religion is best in moderation. It’s most effective when used as a guide to helping one live a better life, not as a literal interpretation of how things should be. If that was the case, everyone would have one eye and a bunch of slaves.

Take a Dick

gay-sex

Honestly, just get laid. Spending years of one’s life denying the most basic and natural of urges would make anyone a complete douchebag. If these ex-ex-gays simply release that tension and hopped on the first man that paid them even the slightest bit of attention at the gayborhood bar, they’d have a completely different outlook on life. And a pep in their step.

Spread the Gay Gospel

Clay-Aiken

A lot of these prominent ex-ex-gays were great at getting people together — at least figuratively — so why not use their talents to spread the good gay word about acceptance, marriage equality, trans equality, and all the other issues they stomped on along the way?

Guest Host Chelsea Lately

lindsay-chelsea

Hey, it worked for Lindsay.

By:           Les Fabian Brathwaite
On:           Aug 8, 2013
Tagged: , , , , , ,

  • 4 Comments
    • Rock Star
      Rock Star

      They all did protest too much, me thinks.

      Aug 8, 2013 at 5:45 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Jerry12
      Jerry12

      The best thing anyone who had “X-GAY THERAPY” can do, is to take a good look at them selves in a mirror and say “What the HE#L made you think that being “GAY” was wrong? Since when did “GOD” start making mistakes?” Then, go out and find that friend you always wanted.

      Aug 8, 2013 at 5:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • MK Ultra
      MK Ultra

      One way they can do it is to stop making that over-exaggerated clown smile.
      Come on guys, the bigger the fake smile, the more unhappy you can tell someone is.

      Aug 8, 2013 at 10:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • susansylvester
      susansylvester

      just as Rebecca responded I’m surprised that any body can earn $8431 in four weeks on the computer. did you see this website >>> http://www.work35.com.

      Aug 10, 2013 at 1:15 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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