With the Secretaries of State, Defense and Treasury all likely to leave when Obama starts his second term, the President is going to have to shake up his Cabinet. Activists have been demanding the country’s first LGBT Cabinet post, but we at Queerty decided to go all fantasy football league (or more relevantly, RuPaul’s Fantasy Drag Race) and remodel the entire cast.
Our all-star, all-fab picks would turn this country around in no time. Of course, by the time it’s done turning around, half of the country might be gone—but you gotta break a few eggs to make a constitutionally-sound omelet.
Secretary of State: Hillary Clinton. Hey, if it ain’t broke…. Even though she agreed to serve only one term as Secretary of State, we’d want Hills to make it a repeat. But even with calls for her to make another go at the presidency in 2016, Lady Clinton may be ambivalent about politics after all these years and just start her own decorating show. Which we’d watch religiously.
Secretary of the Treasury: Michael Bloomberg. If the US ever needs a loan, Bloomberg’s the man to write the check. (He’s certainly not afraid of throwing his own money at causes he believes in.) Plus, as mayor of New York he managed to balance the budget and turn the city’s $5 billion deficit into a $4 billion surplus.
Secretary of Defense: Meryl Streep. Having already played Margaret Thatcher, Meryl could easily be America’s Iron Lady, making sure no other nations mess with us unless they want an award-winning beatdown. C’mon, it’s Meryl Fucking Streep—she can basically do whatever the hell she wants and get an Oscar nomination for just showing up on the job.
Attorney General: Michelle Obama. If anyone can whip this country into shape, it’s MObama. Aside from being a snappy dresser with a great arms, Michelle is also an accomplished lawyer who is more than qualified for the position.
Secretary of the Interior: Oprah and Gayle. OWN’s basically run aground. As Secretary of the Interior, O and Gayle can go on their beloved road trips, fixing up the nation’s public parks and generally remaking the country in her own image. As it should be.
Plus, Barack totes owes her from like four years ago.
Secretary of Agriculture: Ina Garten. The Barefoot Contessa will invite over the heads of Monsanto—and their gay friends—over for some sangria, artisinal tapas and a good kiki. Everyone will get drunk and agree to stop jacking up tomatoes full of hormones. Plus Garten has a bit of experience in politics as a former White House nuclear-policy analyst.
Secretary of Commerce: Jay-Z and Beyoncé. Jay’s not just a businessman, he’s a business, man. And his equally entrepreneurial wife is no slouch either. If anyone can get America to start stacking some dollars it’s these two. (We’re talking about a couple who tried to trademark their baby’s name.) The Carter-Knowles could use some political training anyway—they’ll be in the White House soon enough. Beyoncé 2020!
Secretary of Labor/DILF: Sean Patrick Maloney. Maloney, a rising political star, is New York’s first gay member of the House of Representatives, a family man with three kids and, let’s just put the cards on the table, a stone-cold fox. He also served as Staff Secretary under President Clinton, who credits Maloney with helping to create jobs and grow the economy during his administration.
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Paul Ryan. Ryan would have the entire nation ripped from doing mandatory P90X workouts everyday. Of course he and every Republican would be legally required to remain silent on reproductive rights. We’ll let Sarah Silverman handle that part.
Secretary of Veteran Affairs: Betty White. A stage and screen veteran—and AARP spokesperson—White’s the perfect golden girl to tackle the affairs of those who have served their country with honor. She’s done so herself for more than 200 years.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Tammy Baldwin. The first openly gay Senator in American history, Baldwin’s admittedly not super qualified for this position, but tell us she doesn’t look like an older, more sophisticated version of Homeland‘s Claire Danes.
The Supreme C.U.N.T. – RuPaul. Ru would sashay away DOMA and Prop 8 in a jiff with the assistance of her team of Drag Justices—including Pandroa Boxx, Jujubee and Latrice Motherfucking Royale. But, as on Drag Race, the final decision will always be RuPaul’s.