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Blowjobs, Botox, and Betrothal: What Happened In The A-List: New York’s Cast Reunion?

The Revenge of Drunk Stereotypes The A-List: New York was a mind-rotting piece of reality TV candy, but fearless Wendy Williams decides to unwrap one last piece and see how many licks it takes to get to the questions that have plagued us intelligence-swindled viewers, like what the eff is up with Mike’s dirty mop hair and which characters besides Reichen and Rodiney want to sleep with each other?

This time, NYC party promoter Robert Maril (aka DJ Executive Realness of 21st Century Life) covered the cast reunion madness with Queerty contributor Daniel Villarreal adding some spice to the stew.

9:01 PM - Well, I’ve used my Midwestern Liberal Arts school education to shotgun 14 beers, so I”m ready for this Wendy Wiliams-hosted reunion. Are you? Start drinking. Now. It’s our first cartoonish “How you durrin!?” of the evening. First line spoken. This is going to be good.

9:02 PM – Ryan is wearing “individuals,” meaning a very fancy kind of fake eyelashes. In regards to Reichen’s a capella DADT pop masterpiece, Reichen says that he also another “really amazing song” coming out that comes from the “heart.” Whatever that means, hopefully his heart carries a better tune than his throat.

9:03 PM – Right off the bat, Wendy brings up the fact that Austin came to NYC supposedly single, and brings up his constant, unrequested nudity weight gain. Austin smirks and mentions how he doesn’t care about what anyone thinks of his cottage cheese ridden ass, but oh wait… didn’t he want to be a model?

9:04 PM – Reichen watches his two girlfriends (Rodiney and Austin) discuss the trials and tribulations of fighting over America’s bottom. Reichen’s stone-faced reaction might just be shock, but it might be the Botox.

Wendy seems completely shocked by these queens’ behavior, indicating that not even in the Harlem beauty shop has she ever seen such behavior.

9:05 PM - Seriously, did Ryan think that he was playing the MC from Cabaret tonight? He’s made up like a Weimar Republic hooker.

9:07 PM - Wendy is not buying for a MOMENT that Austin is trustworthy and completely calls him out. This woman isn’t taking shit from NOBODY. HOW YOU DURRIN!

9:08 PM - The best part of this reunion so far are Wendy’s reactions. She keeps mugging for the camera like, DIG THESE QUEENS.

9:09 PM - Yawn, we have to hear about R&R’s on-again off-again relationship after the break. Is it too late to start watching Good Eats?

9:14 PM - Wendy asks if R&R’s relationship is open. They begin to stutter and she says, “So you have SEX with other guys.” Thank you for clarifying, Wendy. She’s seriously the coolest person on this stage. All the other queens get on their HIGH HORSE about having an open relationship. Rodiney desperately tries to explain why having a sexually-open relationship works for them but the boys are not having it. They’re all SO MORAL!

9:16 PM - Why does anybody keep giving Austin a platform to criticize R&R’s relationship? Especially since Austin is pretend dating some long-distance piece of English ass that he never sees but supposedly loves enough to marry. Sadly, the fact that Austin’s in this cast reunion answers the brain-shattering question of whether or not he’ll leave NYC and move to New York. Gawd Austin is terrible. Wait, am I somehow just realizing that Austin is terrible? Welcome to The A-List.

9:17 PM - People keep accusing Rodiney of being a gold-digger, but I really don’t think Reichen HAS that much money. Right? Like, does he have a job? I mean, besides being fired from My Big Stupid Gay Musical, peddling jewelry that will get gay men kicked out of the military, and placing his raspy chicken noises onto the occasional song track? Oh Reichen, if you need a job, we have a couple of jobs for you in our apartment.

9:19 PM - Austin acuses Rodiney of being a prostitute, inexplicably… which is funny because apart from modeling, Austin has no job either. In fact, we’re pretty sure that Ryan and Mike are the only ones with actual jobs. TJ works as Ryan’s manservant but it’s probably just to keep another skinny, pasty, talentless waif off the Chelsea piers. How compassionate of Ryan to extend such charity to someone so hairless and undeserving.

9:19 PM - Oh, according to Austin, Rodiney is a “fucking retard.” VERY good. What is that line about hating in others what we despise in ourselves? How low is your IQ, Austin.

9:23 PM - Ryan and Derek storm off the stage for a cigarette break. I guess that means it’s time to shotgun another Corona! A-List New York, you can expect the bill from my liver specialist.

9:25 PM - Wendy asks, “Is Derek obnoxious or just saying what’s on peoples’ minds?” I’m voting obnoxious. We’re getting a highlight reel of Derek’s most horrible moments, but since I’ve seen them I choose to concentrate on the evolution and slimming of his eyebrows. Wendy asks Derek about his “love life,” meaning the two dates he went on with Roberto. No surprises here, he’s still single. And here I thought you COULD attract more flies with vinegar.

9:30 PM - 30 minutes into the program, Wendy asks Mike Ruiz—who hasn’t spoken the entire show—what he’s doing here. I personally believe that he was roofied before signing the contract to be on the show. All his appearances throughout the entire season could barely fill a 45-minute show.

Wendy asks Mike about his floppy hair, which I always HATED. Mike calls it his “merkin,” which makes me adore him even more. Then Wendy tries to make Mike admit who he’ll sleep with of the five. His answer? NO ONE. Good answer, Merkin. But seriously how did you manage to say it without first saying, “Sleep with these guys? Ewww…. gross.”?

9:34 PM - Then in a surprising turn of good taste, Austin says what all of us have been thinking all season and admits that he’d like to sleep with Rodiney. Why? Because Rodiney has a great body and “it’s very large.” Get that kitty punched, girlfriend. Maybe Austin has been trying to break up Rodiney and Reichen all this time just so he could be Rodiney’s rebound hatefuck. That boy gets smarter every episode (and by “smarter” I mean “more shameless”).

9:36 PM - It’s time to dissect Ryan, which will be decidedly more enjoyable than Derek’s best-of reel. Wow, he’s really accomplished for his trademark *WINK* Wendy counts up at least 30! There’d probably be more if his black sugar daddy wasn’t so super-supportive of his Botox addiction. “Whatever you need to do for you, baby.” I imagine that Ryan’s invisible black husband looks and speaks just like Lester the Sugar Daddy from Hedwig.

9:40 PM - When asked if he and Derek have ever slept together (I vomit into a paper cup) Ryan answers, “No—because two bottoms don’t make a top.” I up-check just a bit though it’s a rare moment of humor/levity/realness. I think that Derek and TJ have probably hooked up once or twice before — two skeletons in heat.

Even though Ryan totally gets overshadowed by these other psycho hose-beasts he’s been one of the most consistent and compassionate queens on the entire show. He got Rodiney to admit that he and Reichen bareback, let Rodiney cry on his shoulder, convinced him to come to the lakehouse, consoled R&R after Rodiney’s fight with Austin, and even told Reichen how unfairly he treats Rodiney. He’s not perfect but he’s as closer to the Rodiney and Mike side of the likability scale than the rest of those scaly urinal trolls.

9:41 PM - Ick, TJ and his crazy red-brown-blonde-shaved-swirled-spiked hair joins the panel. He also seems to be wearing “individuals.” Work those lashes, gurl! Then use ‘em as bat wings to fly back to whatever Brooklyn twink roost you flew in from. TJ talks to Wendy about how beautiful Ryan and his Sugar Daddy’s relationship is and begins to tear up. I get really, really creeped out when TJ cries. It’s like when the mean girl on the playground finally broke down.

9:46 PM - AND we’re back. Wendy asks TJ what it is about Austin he doesn’t trust. Apparently, Austin has been lying about his relationship with Reichen. Doy. Wendy asks if Austin and “kissed with tongues swirling.” Soon after she asks, “Have you performed oral sex on one another?” direct quote. I LOVE YOU, WENDY WILLIAMS. How you durrin?

Apparently, they haven’t. Yawn.

Of course, they’re probably both just saying that so that they can have a shot at sleeping with Rodiney again before they die. (Rodiney, call me! My kitten needs punching too!)

9:50 PM - We’re now treated to a “highlight” (and i do use that word loosely) reel of Austin and Reichen’s “relationship” (meaning, all the times that Reichen has stared at Austin’s fat booty). Watching the reel, Austin begins to “cry”. Again. Except that Wendy says to Austin, “Everyone cries differently, but I don’t see any water.” SNAP.

What Wendy doesn’t realize is that Austin only cries McDonald’s fry grease and he didn’t have time to down a Super Sized #4 before the taping.

9:52 PM - Mike Ruiz asks — wait, he’s still here? — why it’s so important to Austin that Rodiney and Reichen break up. Seriously, sister, go back to your new “home” in “london” with your “fiance.” Get a LIFE.

Then Reichen and his flaccid genitals reiterate to Austin how much he needs him in his life — how much he misses him. I mean, ICK! Am I misremembering that they were happily “friends” for like 3 weeks 3 years ago? And since then it’s been nothing but turmoil and a weird, crazy-peacock mating ritual? Ick.

They are Katy Perry’s target demographic.

9:53 PM - Wendy promises a SHOCKING REVELATION after the break! My money is either that TJ isn’t really a redhead or that Ryan is intersexed. Anyone? Anyone?

9:56 PM - And the shocking revelation is… special guest… Jake. Austin’s fiance/boyfriend/WHAT THEY GOT MARRIED?!! Wendy is the only one clapping, as everyone else on stage stares dumbfounded. Austin starts to cry because he’s only been faithful and honest with his husband (ahem, OK… but unless those wedding pictures were Photoshopped, we can say with veracity that he is indeed married). God, we need to subtitle this Jake person—his heavy Welsh accent mangles English in a way not even Rodiney is capable of.

Wendy asks Reichen what he thinks about this marriage. He wishes them the best, but I can see in his eyes that his dick has gone up inside his body.

Wendy sums it up best: “That’s it.”

Yes indeed, that’s it.

  • 9 Comments
    • spider_orchid
      spider_orchid

      FML for getting involved with this shit…and fuck it even harder because I kinda can’t wait for next season. Anyone know how they did with the ratings?

      Dec 7, 2010 at 1:20 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • JoeyO'H
      JoeyO'H

      The Reunion show was pretty much a dud. More of the same from them when where we left off. Wendy, of course, was wonderful and I loved how she called the A-Listers out on more than one ocassion. Ms. Williams was the perfect choice to host. How you durrin?

      The show, which has more to do with Reichen & Rodiney’s back and forth, crash and burn relationship, than anything else. Nothing was really revealed about these two other than they can’t get along. We knew these two gym bunnies had an open relationship, but Reichen is just not good bf material, unless your into sharing your bed with whatever comes home with you at the end of the night. His sneaky texts and hitting on other guy when he get’s drunk are such a turn off.

      Their battle woes were more troubling and dominated their insane boyfriend drama the entire season. It was annoying and entertaining at the same time because it got to the point that you could not believe these two were still together. Some realtionships may need this dram to survive? Rodiney, “the Body,” may be hot, is way too needy and sensitive. What do you expect if your bringing another body into your bed?

      Austin is STILL in love with Reichen… That’s obvious, but would sleep with Rodiney cause he’s hot and big. Kudos for honesty. But really, if my friend had meddled in my relationship like Austin had, he would not be a friend anymore. And he is now married to Jake? I smell something fishy and it’s not the girl from across the room.

      Ryan was dressed, makeup & hair to the nines! Looking ready as she’s heading for the red carpet at the Oscars. But I think he is the most sane cast member (besides Mike Ruiz) of the show and has a real soft and caring heart. We enver heard anything about any new baby news from him. The Reunion show left out quite a few things and tried to play too much on Austin vs Rodiney & Reichen. I somehow think producers were hoping for a knock -down bitch =fight like the Real Housewives’ Reunions. Yes?

      Derek still single is no surprise. She is going to be hanging at the Chelsea piers waiting for a ship that’s never coming in. Once you put the word out that you want a rich sugar daddy and be taken care of, you’re more likely to get get 65 year old suitors with money and the balls dragging on the ground. How about love for love? I forgot, he’s of a different generation where money and socal status means more than anything. She would sell her soul to the devil to be a kept girl. Good luck with that Derek!

      Mike Ruiz, who said the least, and was rather out of the loop with all the season’s drama, had little to say. It wouldn’t surprise me if Mike didn’t return for a second season if there is one. Beautiful Mike seems to shy away from all the petty girl-like drama. I don’t blame him. It’s typical behavior among young hyper gay guys who lead very social lives. It was like that in the 80’s when I was an upcoming gay boy having fun in the city and it remains the same today. Sometimes times don’t change, people do.

      So, for all the build up of the Reunion show, nobody has seemed to grow since filming ended over the summer. Some of the cast is still stuck in where the show left off.

      Austin cetianly made the show watchable with his naked exploits. constant aggressive behavior with Reichen and Rodiney’s turbulent relatiionship (the “All About Me Twins”) and his quest to break them up so he can move in on Reichen. That was obvious throughout. Why Austin would lead everyone on to think they had sex was his way of trying to fit in and make a simple story of hanging out with Reichen three years ago more exciting than it really was. The Scream Queen match from Fire Island over July 4th between Derek & Austin was great televison.

      I’ve pretty much lived this show in the 80’s when I was a young gay guy living & working in the city, hitting the clubs. It’s typical behavior of young hyper gay gays leading social lives in a big city. However, I wasn’t as mean as these boys can be. I had real friends and we enjoyed each other though the drama was always there! I guess that’s what happens when you “cast people as friends for reality tv.” After all is said and done, the times don’t change, only the people do.

      Dec 7, 2010 at 7:05 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Teluride
      Teluride

      Queerty, Why aren’t you covering a relavent time tested 90210? They just had three on screen deep sexy boy kisses by two major boy hottles starting a very intense relationship while in school w their str8 peers. (Youtube) At least it’s in groove w reality that hits all the marks instead of the forever cd skipping bitchfest A-Lost of NY.

      Dec 7, 2010 at 7:42 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Xtian99
      Xtian99

      best part of this season ever… when Reichen said that Rodney “controls” him…
      Um Reichen? Rodney can’t control a thermostat or work a light swith and desperately needs both “Hooked on Phonics” and a “Speak & Spell” for Christmas. Poor Reichen… poor us!

      And I love that Mike Ruiz is totally windering what the hell he got himself into with this gang.

      Dec 7, 2010 at 12:51 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      @Xtian99:

      But that lets Reichen off the hook for having to take any responsibility for his actions.

      Dec 7, 2010 at 1:38 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
      PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS

      Once again, I beg of you Queerty. The show is over, can you please let these annoying, self absorbed, vapid, oh so very annoying, douchefags simply go away??? Pretty please………

      After the first ten minutes of the first show when Douchfag Derek announced how he thought he was the absolute center of the NYC nightlife, I turned off that pukefest and vowed to never again subject my eyeballs to that visual torture………

      Dec 7, 2010 at 5:11 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • D
      D

      I dont know what it is about him, but Derek looks like his breath smells.

      Dec 7, 2010 at 11:09 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Xtian99
      Xtian99

      @Cam:

      true, but what is he abdicating responsibility too???.. poor Rodney is a Jerry’s kid, that guy from In Sync is a muppet… Reichen was in the air force for God’s sake, be a”man” and date a “man” for a change, not some doing bat… but i guess delusional on many levels… him singing that song… priceless.

      Dec 8, 2010 at 1:45 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • NYC SOCIALITE
      NYC SOCIALITE

      THE A-LIST NY SHOWS GAY PEOPLE IN THE WORST LIGHT.

      I HOPE THEY DO NOT MAKE ANOTHER SEASON.

      REALLY? COULD THESE THE PEOPLE ON THE A-LIST NY BE ANY MORE SHALLOW AND VAPID?

      IT SETS US BACK AS A COMMUNITY. IT MAKES US LOOK LIKE DRUNKEN, MESSY, BITCHY QUEENS.

      REICHEN JUST LOOKS LIKE A BIG WHORE WHO CANT SING. NO TALENT THERE.

      HIS ON AGAIN, OFF AGAIN BOYFRIEND RODNEY JUST SEEMS LIKE A RETARD THAT NOBODY TAKES SERIOUSLY.
      A BIG STEP UP FOR HIM THOUGH.
      HIS LAST JOB WAS PICKING UP THE TOWELS AT THE GYM IN MIAMI.

      AUSTIN COMES ACROSS AS A DRUNKEN STRIPPER AND A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR.

      THIS SHOW GIVES THE RIGHT WING POWER TO USE AGAINST US.

      THE A-LIST NEW YORK, MAKES THE GAY COMMUNITY LOOK SO SAD AND PATHETIC.

      WITH SHOWS LIKE THIS ON LOGO TV.
      WE WILL NEVER GET GAY MARRIAGE PASSED IN NY.

      Dec 11, 2010 at 4:32 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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