Allow me to get all meta for about five seconds while I share a few recent realizations I’ve had about my relationship to this show:
1) I spend one hour a week with The A-List which is more than I spend with my brother, sister, or nephews who all live 20-minutes away.
2) I have unfairly judged this show by what I want it to be rather than for what it is—trash. And in criticizing the bitchy cast of this predictably shallow show, I come off as equally bitchy, predictable, and shallow.
3) I’d like to say the show made me a bitter betch or that I only do it (like Adam Lambert) for your entertainment, but that’s a lie. The reason I really hate the show as much as I do is because it’s like a dark faggy mirror into my own caustic queeniness.
OK enough of that. Have you been watching? You haven’t? You poor deprived thing. Here’s a quick synopsis of the entire season: Rodiney and Reichen used to go out, but then they broke up and then got back together 17 minutes later. All the A-List gays suddenly began hating Rodiney and loving Austin (who wants Reichen) because Rodiney’s the only one with scruples.
NYC party promoter Robert Maril (aka DJ Executive Realness of 21st Century Life) joins Queerty once again for the live-blogging badness.
9:01 PM CST – At brunch, TJ blinds everyone with his Manic Panic fire engine red hair. Derek tries to convince TJ and Ryan to exclude Rodiney from the looming weekend at Reichen’s lakehouse. We assume they hate Rodiney because he’s better looking and has worse English then all of them. Ryan looks nauseous as he swallows the huevos.
9:04 PM CST – Fresh from being fired from his play, Reichen talks to the play’s musical director about producing a pop song about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. It’s odd that the musical director agreed to hear such a project, especially considering that Reichen sang like a toad with laryngitis during the musical (they cut your song for a reason, girl). Reichen then grabs a guitar and strums his broken tune as he subjects the horrified-looking music producers to a soulful, heartfelt… uh…something. When Reichen asks, “Do you generally like it?” They respond with, “I like the… purpose behind it.”
9:07 PM CST – Rodiney meets with his ex-girlfriend/fag hag Mala to discuss last week’s fight with Austin. They both wear shades, presumably because Rodiney has a shiner, but we really wish that he and her would trade sunglasses. Rodiney’s looks like he has cataracts. Mala’s shades look delightfully late-70s Mary Tyler Moore—totally fetch. Rodiney says he doesnt need Reichen’s shitty friends. He only wants to be surrounded by shiny people which includes him because he’s always greased up for photo shoots and Derek because he’s always dripping in Mystic Tan Redux.
9:09 PM CST – Ryan meets Austin at lunch because when you’re A-List conversations can never, ever take place on the telephone. They must all happen in expensive restaurants over cocktails. Ryan has plucked his eyebrows in such a way to make him look in perpetual amazement and disapproval but this is only because he’s unable to actually move his eyebrows due to his chronic Botox addiction. Ryan actually apologizes to Austin for comforting Rodiney after last week’s fight because Rodiney totally threw the first drink. Ryan’s apology makes us kinda despise him, but could it be that he’s playing both sides? Why that scheming queen!
9:11 PM CST – Commercial: Black Swan is the most lesbian movie about a woman turning into a evil bird that you’ll ever see.
9:13 PM CST – Commercial: Is it a problem when Old Navy’s mannequins are more attractive than the humans dancing in their commercials?
9:15 PM CST – Commercial: When the apocalypse comes and the desecration of our cities is complete Levis will come back to destroy our souls with their urban pioneering commercial and their $79.99 hip-hugger jeans.
9:17 PM CST- Reichen goes in to screech out what’s sure to become this season’s hottest dance single, a political club ballad entitled Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Me Not To Cry When I Love A Man In Uniform Whose True Love Is A Battlefield. He probably shouldn’t have smoked those three packs of Marlboro Reds on his way to the studio (aka the music producer’s living room).
But the track is in a word, amazeballs and Robert Maril cannot wait for Reichen’s single to drop so that he can spin it when DJing. “I wanna love you up to the SKYYYY!” Dance you bitches, dance! Oh wait, we were kidding. The track is misera-balls and the producer tries to make Reichen (the Defeated Crow-mancer of Manhattan) feel better by saying, “Everyone hears their own voice [during a music take] and recoils in horror.” We agree. We’re recoiling as we type this.
9:18 PM CST – 18 minutes into the episode, the first cool/intelligent thing happens: Mike Ruiz recreates Tom of Finland. The other A-List Gays ask who Tom of Finland is and why he wants to celebrate a natural toiletries brand. Mike then reveals that beneath all the frumpy grandma sweaters and bedraggled mop hair he’s a muscle daddy. His biceps and manbreasts are bigger than any idea in your scrawny little mind. He could crush your philoso-dreams with a single flex.
9:20 PM CST – The A-List mommies of Derek, TJ, and Ryan join Reichen for a drink to tell him not to invite Rodiney to the lake house because if he does, then Austin won’t come and if he doesn’t come then they won’t either… unless Rodiney’s OK with Austin that is… in which case they might go but not if there’s drama, which probably means Austin shouldn’t come except that if he doesn’t, they won’t either; so Reichen should choose between Austin and Rodiney because if they both go there will be drama and they’re all so not about drama.
9:23 PM CST – The A-List word of the week is “Mantrum,” a man tantrum. Robert hangs out with drag queens several times a week and he has never heard this word, but Daniel pledges to use it in every article he writes for Queerty from here until he dies.
9:25 PM CST – Commerical: Delsym cough syrup – because we’re tired of you and your asshole kid ruining every movie with your dumb hacking cough.
9:26 PM CST – Reichen and Austin meet in the abandoned courtyard of some Queens tenement to discuss their feelings. Reichen is wearing a Polo with a popped collar, which we fully support. Austin looks particularly liquor-bloated. Maybe he’s retaining water weight or he’s been crying because it’s a heavy flow day. Even though Austin has eight chins, he looks pretty damned pleased with himself when he hears that everyone’s trying to break he and Rodiney up.
9:29 CST – After coming into his Tom of Finland gallery showing, Mike gets so skeezed out by seeing his face on a gallery patron’s t-shirt that he has to go “take a load off” which means that he’s either gonna go into the bathroom to do cocaine bumps, rub one out, or drop the kids off at the pool.
We would kill someone for one of those Mike Ruiz t-shirts. Like, literally strangle them to death with the damn t-shirt then take it for ourselves. Then Robert and I would then have to fight over it—it would be quite the bitchfit. We promise to YouTube it.
9:31 PM CST – Ryan confronts Reichen and Rodiney for an all-R chat. They’re having a heartfelt conversation about how hard it is commingling new friends with an old boyfriend especially when… OH WAIT! TJ just texted and OMG! He shaved off his Manic Panic hair! Girl, that is so cray-cray!! Mind if he comes over? Oh good, cuz he is… OK, sorry… so what were we talking about again?
Oh that’s right. So Ryan and TJ want Austin and Rodiney both to go to the lakehouse, but Rodiney thinks that Austin will just get drunk and start a fight because THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE HAS DONE EVERY EPISODE. But TJ feels sorry for Austin because at Austin’s age TJ used to be a drunken mess too. Hold on… used to be??? TJ is a lot more polite now which he proves by dropping a bunch of F-bombs into the conversation.
Reichen can’t decide whether or not to go to Maine without his boyfriend. Dear Reichen: here’s the solution—take your boyfriend to Maine and forget these turds. Choosing your boyfriend is easiest, especially considering that he’s hotter than any of these pasty bizznitches.
9:35 PM CST – Ryan invites Rodiney to his salon to drink tea out of femmy flower cups and to warn Rodiney, “If you don’t go to Maine, your drunk cheating boyfriend will get drunk and cheat on you just like he did two episodes ago when you broke up. All you have to do to have a successful relationship with Reichen is watch him all the time, everywhere he goes, ever.” Rodiney is convinced because English is not his mother tongue.
9:38 PM CST – Cut back to Mike Ruiz who is doing the only valid creative thing we’ve seen on this show so far. Ryan cuts the entire line to the Tom of Finland show because “He doesn’t wait in lines, ever. Thank God he didn’t live through The Depression.
Derek and Austin step out to discuss Rodiney going to the lake house because the producers told them to milk this lame titty baby of a social nosebleed for the entire hour. Derek looks like he learned how to smoke from Cruella DeVille. “Get me those puppies!” he exhales.
9:48 PM CST – The pastiest members of the A-List crew—TJ, Reichen, and Derek—get spray-tanned so they can go to Maine. Of course, they get spray-tanned to go to the supermarket. They declare, “We have to make our mark… on all of Reichen’s sheets!” On the car ride up TJ isn’t wearing a seatbelt. Imagining him getting beheaded by an airbag isn’t such a bad mental image. It’s even a little sexy even. TJ might give good head.
In preparation for the lake house weekend Rodiney has dressed for the Indianapolis AIDS Walk circa 1996. Turquoise flannel anyone? Hey Rodiney, the fin-de-sicle lesbians called; they want their dental dams back.
9:51 PM CST – Austin drives up, having made the seven-hour drive from NYC in a Hyundai and wearing that goddamned black tank top he always wears. Fresh from his paper route he’s also wearing wearing a sideways newsies cap.
9:53 PM CST – Commercial: The video “Just Dance 2″ features Katy Perry’s Firework, but we prefer the NYC drag spoof Firecrotch.
9:55 PM CST – Commercial: Eat Burger King and you’ll end up just as round and shitty at soccer as this guy dressed as a Whopper. Even his skinny girlfriend hates his huge, uncompetitive ass.
9:56 PM CST – Rodiney decides to try and make peace with Austin by ignoring him and playing a cell phone video game. When Reichen asks Rodiney to speak with Austin, Rodiney gets all teenage girl, rolls his eyes and is like “Pschaw… as if.” Very mature.
So to help, Reichen joins Austin next to a romantic campfire and tells Austin that he should stop hitting on him and trying to break he and Rodiney up. Reichen explains that even though he no longer feels romantically about Rodiney, that Rodiney could destroy what little is left of his career if they ever broke up. So Austin should back off because he’s in love with Rodiney… kinda… sometimes… or because the show needs a plot… or something.
NEXT WEEK: Finally aware of his out of control weight problem, Austin cries bacon grease onto his Santa Fe style bathrobe. Ryan would cry, but Botox forbids it.