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What?!! It’s Already The 2nd To Last Episode Of The A-List: New York??!?

Allow me to get all meta for about five seconds while I share a few recent realizations I’ve had about my relationship to this show:

1) I spend one hour a week with The A-List which is more than I spend with my brother, sister, or nephews who all live 20-minutes away.

2) I have unfairly judged this show by what I want it to be rather than for what it is—trash. And in criticizing the bitchy cast of this predictably shallow show, I come off as equally bitchy, predictable, and shallow.

3) I’d like to say the show made me a bitter betch or that I only do it (like Adam Lambert) for your entertainment, but that’s a lie. The reason I really hate the show as much as I do is because it’s like a dark faggy mirror into my own caustic queeniness.

OK enough of that. Have you been watching? You haven’t? You poor deprived thing. Here’s a quick synopsis of the entire season: Rodiney and Reichen used to go out, but then they broke up and then got back together 17 minutes later. All the A-List gays suddenly began hating Rodiney and loving Austin (who wants Reichen) because Rodiney’s the only one with scruples.

NYC party promoter Robert Maril (aka DJ Executive Realness of 21st Century Life) joins Queerty once again for the live-blogging badness.

 

9:01 PM CST - At brunch, TJ blinds everyone with his Manic Panic fire engine red hair. Derek tries to convince TJ and Ryan to exclude Rodiney from the looming weekend at Reichen’s lakehouse. We assume they hate Rodiney because he’s better looking and has worse English then all of them. Ryan looks nauseous as he swallows the huevos.

9:04 PM CST - Fresh from being fired from his play, Reichen talks to the play’s musical director about producing a pop song about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. It’s odd that the musical director agreed to hear such a project, especially considering that Reichen sang like a toad with laryngitis during the musical (they cut your song for a reason, girl). Reichen then grabs a guitar and strums his broken tune as he subjects the horrified-looking music producers to a soulful, heartfelt… uh…something. When Reichen asks, “Do you generally like it?” They respond with, “I like the… purpose behind it.”

9:07 PM CST - Rodiney meets with his ex-girlfriend/fag hag Mala to discuss last week’s fight with Austin. They both wear shades, presumably because Rodiney has a shiner, but we really wish that he and her would trade sunglasses. Rodiney’s looks like he has cataracts. Mala’s shades look delightfully late-70s Mary Tyler Moore—totally fetch. Rodiney says he doesnt need Reichen’s shitty friends. He only wants to be surrounded by shiny people which includes him because he’s always greased up for photo shoots and Derek because he’s always dripping in Mystic Tan Redux.

9:09 PM CST - Ryan meets Austin at lunch because when you’re A-List conversations can never, ever take place on the telephone. They must all happen in expensive restaurants over cocktails. Ryan has plucked his eyebrows in such a way to make him look in perpetual amazement and disapproval but this is only because he’s unable to actually move his eyebrows due to his chronic Botox addiction. Ryan actually apologizes to Austin for comforting Rodiney after last week’s fight because Rodiney totally threw the first drink. Ryan’s apology makes us kinda despise him, but could it be that he’s playing both sides? Why that scheming queen!

9:11 PM CST - Commercial: Black Swan is the most lesbian movie about a woman turning into a evil bird that you’ll ever see.

9:13 PM CST - Commercial: Is it a problem when Old Navy’s mannequins are more attractive than the humans dancing in their commercials?

9:15 PM CST - Commercial: When the apocalypse comes and the desecration of our cities is complete Levis will come back to destroy our souls with their urban pioneering commercial and their $79.99 hip-hugger jeans.

9:17 PM CST- Reichen goes in to screech out what’s sure to become this season’s hottest dance single, a political club ballad entitled Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Me Not To Cry When I Love A Man In Uniform Whose True Love Is A Battlefield. He probably shouldn’t have smoked those three packs of Marlboro Reds on his way to the studio (aka the music producer’s living room).

But the track is in a word, amazeballs and Robert Maril cannot wait for Reichen’s single to drop so that he can spin it when DJing. “I wanna love you up to the SKYYYY!” Dance you bitches, dance! Oh wait, we were kidding. The track is misera-balls and the producer tries to make Reichen (the Defeated Crow-mancer of Manhattan) feel better by saying, “Everyone hears their own voice [during a music take] and recoils in horror.” We agree. We’re recoiling as we type this.

9:18 PM CST - 18 minutes into the episode, the first cool/intelligent thing happens: Mike Ruiz recreates Tom of Finland. The other A-List Gays ask who Tom of Finland is and why he wants to celebrate a natural toiletries brand. Mike then reveals that beneath all the frumpy grandma sweaters and bedraggled mop hair he’s a muscle daddy. His biceps and manbreasts are bigger than any idea in your scrawny little mind. He could crush your philoso-dreams with a single flex.

9:20 PM CST - The A-List mommies of Derek, TJ, and Ryan join Reichen for a drink to tell him not to invite Rodiney to the lake house because if he does, then Austin won’t come and if he doesn’t come then they won’t either… unless Rodiney’s OK with Austin that is… in which case they might go but not if there’s drama, which probably means Austin shouldn’t come except that if he doesn’t, they won’t either; so Reichen should choose between Austin and Rodiney because if they both go there will be drama and they’re all so not about drama.

9:23 PM CST - The A-List word of the week is “Mantrum,” a man tantrum. Robert hangs out with drag queens several times a week and he has never heard this word, but Daniel pledges to use it in every article he writes for Queerty from here until he dies.

9:25 PM CST - Commerical: Delsym cough syrup – because we’re tired of you and your asshole kid ruining every movie with your dumb hacking cough.

9:26 PM CST - Reichen and Austin meet in the abandoned courtyard of some Queens tenement to discuss their feelings. Reichen is wearing a Polo with a popped collar, which we fully support. Austin looks particularly liquor-bloated. Maybe he’s retaining water weight or he’s been crying because it’s a heavy flow day. Even though Austin has eight chins, he looks pretty damned pleased with himself when he hears that everyone’s trying to break he and Rodiney up.

9:29 CST - After coming into his Tom of Finland gallery showing, Mike gets so skeezed out by seeing his face on a gallery patron’s t-shirt that he has to go “take a load off” which means that he’s either gonna go into the bathroom to do cocaine bumps, rub one out, or drop the kids off at the pool.

We would kill someone for one of those Mike Ruiz t-shirts. Like, literally strangle them to death with the damn t-shirt then take it for ourselves. Then Robert and I would then have to fight over it—it would be quite the bitchfit. We promise to YouTube it.

9:31 PM CST - Ryan confronts Reichen and Rodiney for an all-R chat. They’re having a heartfelt conversation about how hard it is commingling new friends with an old boyfriend especially when… OH WAIT! TJ just texted and OMG! He shaved off his Manic Panic hair! Girl, that is so cray-cray!! Mind if he comes over? Oh good, cuz he is… OK, sorry… so what were we talking about again?

Oh that’s right. So Ryan and TJ want Austin and Rodiney both to go to the lakehouse, but Rodiney thinks that Austin will just get drunk and start a fight because THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT HE HAS DONE EVERY EPISODE. But TJ feels sorry for Austin because at Austin’s age TJ used to be a drunken mess too. Hold on… used to be??? TJ is a lot more polite now which he proves by dropping a bunch of F-bombs into the conversation.

Reichen can’t decide whether or not to go to Maine without his boyfriend. Dear Reichen: here’s the solution—take your boyfriend to Maine and forget these turds. Choosing your boyfriend is easiest, especially considering that he’s hotter than any of these pasty bizznitches.

9:35 PM CST - Ryan invites Rodiney to his salon to drink tea out of femmy flower cups and to warn Rodiney, “If you don’t go to Maine, your drunk cheating boyfriend will get drunk and cheat on you just like he did two episodes ago when you broke up. All you have to do to have a successful relationship with Reichen is watch him all the time, everywhere he goes, ever.” Rodiney is convinced because English is not his mother tongue.

9:38 PM CST - Cut back to Mike Ruiz who is doing the only valid creative thing we’ve seen on this show so far. Ryan cuts the entire line to the Tom of Finland show because “He doesn’t wait in lines, ever. Thank God he didn’t live through The Depression.

Derek and Austin step out to discuss Rodiney going to the lake house because the producers told them to milk this lame titty baby of a social nosebleed for the entire hour. Derek looks like he learned how to smoke from Cruella DeVille. “Get me those puppies!” he exhales.

9:48 PM CST - The pastiest members of the A-List crew—TJ, Reichen, and Derek—get spray-tanned so they can go to Maine. Of course, they get spray-tanned to go to the supermarket. They declare, “We have to make our mark… on all of Reichen’s sheets!” On the car ride up TJ isn’t wearing a seatbelt. Imagining him getting beheaded by an airbag isn’t such a bad mental image. It’s even a little sexy even. TJ might give good head.

In preparation for the lake house weekend Rodiney has dressed for the Indianapolis AIDS Walk circa 1996. Turquoise flannel anyone? Hey Rodiney, the fin-de-sicle lesbians called; they want their dental dams back.

9:51 PM CST - Austin drives up, having made the seven-hour drive from NYC in a Hyundai and wearing that goddamned black tank top he always wears. Fresh from his paper route he’s also wearing wearing a sideways newsies cap.

9:53 PM CST - Commercial: The video “Just Dance 2″ features Katy Perry’s Firework, but we prefer the NYC drag spoof Firecrotch.

9:55 PM CST - Commercial: Eat Burger King and you’ll end up just as round and shitty at soccer as this guy dressed as a Whopper. Even his skinny girlfriend hates his huge, uncompetitive ass.

9:56 PM CST - Rodiney decides to try and make peace with Austin by ignoring him and playing a cell phone video game. When Reichen asks Rodiney to speak with Austin, Rodiney gets all teenage girl, rolls his eyes and is like “Pschaw… as if.” Very mature.

So to help, Reichen joins Austin next to a romantic campfire and tells Austin that he should stop hitting on him and trying to break he and Rodiney up. Reichen explains that even though he no longer feels romantically about Rodiney, that Rodiney could destroy what little is left of his career if they ever broke up. So Austin should back off because he’s in love with Rodiney… kinda… sometimes… or because the show needs a plot… or something.

NEXT WEEK: Finally aware of his out of control weight problem, Austin cries bacon grease onto his Santa Fe style bathrobe. Ryan would cry, but Botox forbids it.

By:           Daniel Villarreal
On:           Nov 22, 2010
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , ,

  • 27 Comments
    • Ryan
      Ryan

      LOL.
      This Live-Blog is the only reason I hope that show gets a second season…oh, and Mike Ruiz of course…and shots of Rodiney shirtless.

      Nov 23, 2010 at 12:24 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • spider_orchid
      spider_orchid

      I kind of hate Queerty because you guys DEFINITELY got me into this. Anyway, WTF at them all hating Rodiney! Is this real life????

      Nov 23, 2010 at 12:55 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • tonyd
      tonyd

      Rodney is the slow kid in class everyone teases when the teacher turns her back and when he tries to defend himself, he does it wrong. Reichen is the worst boyfriend and when Rodney wises up, Reichen plays victim too, like he did no wrong, and his stories change in his favor each time he tells them. Rodney, being the simple mind, runs through the same mind games over and over, eventually he will wise up or Reichen will get bored and tell him he’s a dumb ass for never getting a clue with the old line, “It’s not you. It’s me…”

      Nov 23, 2010 at 1:36 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Vman455
      Vman455

      @spider_orchid: Real life? Ha ha ha ha! No, this is “reality television”–big difference.

      Nov 23, 2010 at 1:44 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Devon
      Devon

      I wonder if the producers told Mike Ruiz what this show really was before he signed on, or if they convinced him it was going to be a “classy hour of television, following the daily lives of some of New York City’s classiest, gay, artistically-minded connoisseurs of class” and now he watches along with the rest of us in horror, seeing what he really signed up for…

      Nov 23, 2010 at 1:52 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • FarleyNY
      FarleyNY

      “Wise old mop” is pretty good. Do you think Mike does his hair like a mop as some sort of disguise, planning a witness-relocation-program headshaving makeover after the show wraps so that no human being will ever recognize him from the show?

      Nov 23, 2010 at 2:11 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • scott ny'er
      scott ny'er

      The play-by-play was pretty funny this week. Much better than last week. So kudos to Daniel.

      I’m glad these is only one episode left. If there were more episodes I doubt I would watch it anymore. It’s just too ridiculous. And I can’t tell what’s scripted or not. What I do know is if Austin makes trouble wherever he goes, why invite him to a retreat? A peaceful, calm retreat. And how could you choose between your BF that you’re trying to make your relationship work with and your “friends?”

      If I was Rodiney, I too, would never go anywhere near Austin. And if my BF was like ur going to hold that against me if I go, I’d say, “damn straight, I would.” Reichen is jacked up. As is Austin, Derreck, Ryan and TJ. Oooooh, Rodiney threw ad drink. Austin was being a douche and instigating. And TJ and Derreck then added fuel. It was mean girls/bully session. They are really effed up people and it’s not even funny anymore. They are just disgusting. Like Omarosa.

      Nov 23, 2010 at 2:39 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • rrr
      rrr

      @tonyd: Rodiney isn’t stupid, especially in comparison to the rest of these guys. He gets dismissed as that because of his strong accent, imperfect english, straightforwardness and cultural emotionality. He’s vulnerable and in a bad position. He’s a heart on his sleeve latin, he’s new to the country, he’s one of the few nice people in a cast of snakes and assholes, and he unfortunately fell hard for a manipulative narcissist.

      Nov 23, 2010 at 2:52 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Cam
      Cam

      So wait, Rodiney was all ready to move back to Miami and leave Reichen alone, and Reichen cries and begs him to come back, and yet now is saying he has no feelings for him, but can’t break up because Rodiney could talk badly about him and ruin his Career.

      Reichen, a few words…

      1. You were broken up, he was back in Miami and you cried and begged him to come back.

      2. NOTHING that Rodiney could say would make you look worse than you are making yourself look in this show.

      3. You aren’t a politician, you are a former reality show contestent desperately stretching out your 15 min. of fame….exactly what career do you have that some gossip from an ex could hurt?

      4. Could the producers make their phony plot twiest seem less phony? One week everybody hates Austin, the next week they all won’t go on a trip unless Austin comes?

      Nov 23, 2010 at 3:27 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • spider_orchid
      spider_orchid

      @Vman455: *sigh* That was a reference to a youtube video in which a little boy high on meds from the dentist asks his dad “is this real life” because he’s tripping balls. I understand that this is reality tv. :l

      Nov 23, 2010 at 4:07 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
      PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS

      @spider_orchid: Even little David, tripping his junior balls off would be able to comprehend how phony, shallow, and vapid those douchefags and their “fabulous” lives are……. :p

      Nov 23, 2010 at 10:14 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Kieran
      Kieran

      We HATE this show!! WE HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT!!!! (That’s why we insist on watching it every week and wouldn’t miss it) LOL

      Nov 23, 2010 at 10:35 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • scott ny'er
      scott ny'er

      @Cam: points 2 and 3 are GREAT!

      RE: point 4, ha! Even Austin pointed that out to the viewing public. That show is really effed up. I can’t believe I watched it (mainly Rodiney and to make fun of). I need to get a life. I do think Rodiney is great and hope it’s not just reality tv that portrayed him this way and left out his negatives.

      Nov 23, 2010 at 10:43 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • FarleyNY
      FarleyNY

      Weeks into this, why are people here still respectfully using proper Christian names with these cartoon characters?

      Come on, get creative and nail them. Someone already read “the obese model” – what about the rest? The albino hairdresser? The touchy Brazilian midget? The snaggletoothed oompa loompa? The spraytanned spinster? Kindhearted Auntie M? And last but not least, Lance Bass’ ex. Who are we forgetting here? Get to work!

      Nov 23, 2010 at 12:22 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Devon
      Devon

      @FarleyNY:

      Fatty, Whitey, Lonely, Horny, Slutty, Dopey, and Mike.

      Nov 23, 2010 at 3:48 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • FarleyNY
      FarleyNY

      @Devon:

      HA! I lost it at WHITEY! You made my night. OK, my list next, two syllables each, seven mental midgets:

      Fatty, Whitey, Bimbo, Ginger, Old Maid, Dopey, and Mike.

      Nov 23, 2010 at 7:51 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ronbo
      Ronbo

      Is there anyone here who doesn’t want Rodiney? I mean… doesn’t want to hold him close and kiss his boo boo’s? The rest of the cast deserves to sleep with Austin. Let’s hope their sores don’t come back with the stress of the new season.

      And f**k you for calling him short. 5’9″ is average. Average!!!

      Nov 23, 2010 at 9:43 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • FarleyNY
      FarleyNY

      @Ronbo:

      I didn’t call him short, I was just suggesting he broaden his job search a little – like dwarf in the Radio City Christmas Spectacular.

      Nov 24, 2010 at 1:02 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Aaron in Honolulu
      Aaron in Honolulu

      TEAM RODINEY!

      Why is he commonly labeled as slow and stupid? He barely speaks English and he’s new to New York. I’d bet you’d look fucking stupid trying to speak Portuguese as a second language while moving to San Paulo for your boyfriend.

      Nov 24, 2010 at 5:31 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • FarleyNY
      FarleyNY

      @Aaron in Honolulu:

      Yeah, you’re right, I’d look stupid too if I tried to move to São Paulo and support myself as a fashion model.

      Rodiney’s a supersweet guy and a dreamboat in undies and body oil, but how many agents have to say “short” to his face on national TV before it sinks in? If he wants to support himself on his looks he’s gonna have to log onto Rentboy. And that’s the ultimate Rodiney vs, Austin conflict – Austin gives it away. And Rodiney’s having none of that.

      Nov 24, 2010 at 6:00 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • rrr
      rrr

      @FarleyNY: He’s had one guy say he’s slightly too short for high fashion modeling in New York. That’s only one area of the modeling profession, and he was a working model elsewhere.

      I don’t think Austin gives it away. Marc Jacobs and the older british “fiance”? No UK work visa but apparently still managed to live there for so long after becoming too big of a disaster to model?

      Nov 24, 2010 at 1:20 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • FarleyNY
      FarleyNY

      @rrr:

      LOL – yes I agree Rodiney’s adorable and f@ckable – but no he’s not a model. Seen his calendar? His head looks a pretty beach ball injected with saline attached to a hot body. The proportions don’t work.

      “That’s only one area of the modeling profession” gets us right back to Rentboy and other forms of parts modeling, and saying “he was a working model elsewhere” is like saying “I was a doctor in Turkmenistan before I got this job driving a taxi in Manhattan.”

      Rodiney and Austin clearly have superior bone structures – but it takes more than a hot ass, new teeth and a pulse to call yourself a model. They should just stop using the “m” word and I’ll stop rolling my eyes.

      Nov 24, 2010 at 2:25 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • rrr
      rrr

      @FarleyNY: Reichen has had plastic surgery to produce his looks. Check out an old picture of him.

      Rodiney has been a working model in LA and Miami, not just in foreign countries. He doesn’t have to stay in New York and he can do other modeling besides high fashion like catalog work. His proportions are fine on the show. It looks like he bulked up with some more muscle more for the calendar, that’s adjustable. Prostitution isn’t a sector of modeling. Your analogy doesn’t work. Your argument is actually analogous to “this doctor doesn’t qualify to be a neurosurgeon so instead of working as something in the same field he can qualify for like a GP he should forget about it all and resign himself to driving a cab”.

      Nov 24, 2010 at 3:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • mk
      mk

      Rodiney is already signed to some NY agency. He said so in an interview.

      He’s gaymous now so he has extra options. Austin is making money from bars appearances and Reichen (who has no charisma or talent) has been making money off the back of his own reality fame for years.

      The show has been a great advertisement to potential sugar daddies too. He has no need for rentboy.

      Nov 24, 2010 at 3:19 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • FarleyNY
      FarleyNY

      Gotta get back to my work as a brain surgeon – there is apparently a huge demand in LA and Miami. Underwear-model brain surgeon, that is – I’m 5’9″ and can’t wear samples you see. Or maybe I can bring my own brain surgeon wardrobe, like Whitey’s hair extensions model. I guess that’s how modeling works – Armani or Diesel or Honda or International Male hires you, and if the clothes don’t fit you wear your own clothes. Wait, sorry, I promised to stop rolling my eyes. This is reality TV so if the cute sweet guy says he’s astronaut, he’s an astronaut. With a big head.

      Nov 24, 2010 at 5:26 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • mk
      mk

      The modeling agency measured him on the show as 5’10.5″ not 5’9″.

      Half an inch of height doesn’t matter for the underwear and bathing suit stuff he’s been doing.

      You can work in a field without being near the top of it or with the most prestigious company. Most people do. And even if it doesn’t work out rentboy is hardly the only option for an attractive likeable gaymous man.

      Nov 24, 2010 at 5:59 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Dave
      Dave

      I like Rodiney. He’s a sexy Brazilan.

      Nov 29, 2010 at 10:47 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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