Unless you’re collecting GetGlue stickers (which are worth their weight in labradoodle puppies, by the way), there wasn’t much to gain from this week of RuPaul’s Drag Race. But we can’t afford to let our recapping skills dull. No sir, no ma’am. Not even for a minute. Next week is the finale, and one must be in tiptop form for such an undertaking.
#1 Michelle Visage makes for a convincing RuPaul. For a brief moment, I thought that it was just Madame LaQueer (after some serious time on Extreme Makeover Everything Edition) but nope! It’s just The Visage serving up some quality Ru.
#2 Milan will utilize every opportunity to take off her wig—even during audition tapes.
#3 Alisha Summers… existed! Remember her and those fire boobs?
#4 Phi Phi and Jiggly didn’t initially understand the now-famous Latrice line, “Jesus is a biscuit. Let him sop you up!” I’ll give Jiggly a pass on this one; she’s from Queens, and goodsouthern food is scarce up there. But Phi Phi, as she loves to mention, is from Texas. And Texans know two things well: God and carbohydrates.
#5 During the promos for the finale, RuPauld declares, “We are breaking all the rules!” I really don’t want to hypothesize on what this means, so I’m going to focus on her yellow-and-black polka dots.
#6 Willam does a decent job of trying to explain the origin of “santorum,” but she fails to name the “gay man” who coined the term. Um, he was on the show!
#7 On the topic of P.I.L.T.F. (Presidents I’d Like to Fuck), Chad Michaels votes for President Obama, while Sharon Needles opts for the classic choice of Abraham Lincoln.
#8 LaShauwn Beyond might be forever known as the queen who couldn’t pronounce “post-apocalyptic.” Let me dust off my tiny, sad violin.
#10 No hidden clues were revealed as to why Willam was disqualified—only that “off-screen she violated show rules.” Waiting. More waiting. Oh. The. Waiting.
#11 Eden’s World (if you didn’t notice the five hundred promos) is premiering! Ahhh! It’s next! Watch this show! Logo is “Beyond Labels!” And by “Beyond Labels,” we mean “Beyond Homosexual Programming.” We’d like to be “Beyond Obscurity,” and this screaming ball of sparkles is our best option.
#12 Santino Rice has filled this season with brilliant advice like, “If clothes look like a couch, or an ottoman or a loveseat, you just wanna stay away from it.”
#14 Despite already having the best drag name ever, Jennifer Love Hewitt wants a drag name.
#15 Pandora Boxx was hoarding the best quote about Willam’s on-stage puke-fest, “that’s what you get for eating solid foods!”
#16 When RuPaul’s Drag Race recounts the best looks of Season Four, the winner is RuPaul and everything she’s worn. Yes, this includes that blue feather situation that Ru herself even said (while guest critiquing on Fashion Police) wasn’t so fabulous.
#17 If you ask three guest panelists who they think will win the season, they will evenly split their votes among the remaining contestants. Thank, producers. I can almost feel their genuine opinions radiating from my television.
#18 The Drag Race twitter handle continues to fly off the handle. #Hashtag #Hashtag #Headache
#19 While I don’t mind getting my psychic readings from Michelle Visage, I don’t like any angle where I can’t see her gargantuan breasts.
#20 If you accidentally start watching Eden’s World, you get a slight ringing in your ear that won’t go away until you change the channel.
Next week is the big week! Let’s all buy ridiculous t-shirts, hold hands, and hope for the best.
Jason Sweeten is on team “Not Phi Phi O’Hara.” Photos via Logo, D Dipasupil/Getty Images for VH1