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The Gay Man Who Wants to Marry a Woman (So He Can Sleep With More Guys)


Sometimes gay men want to marry women for immigration purposes. Sometimes gay men want to marry women to please their overbearing parents. And some gay men want to marry women so it’s either for them to get laid by other dudes.

This Craigslist post has all the markings of a parody, but it’s entertaining none the less.

Wife needed for sham marriage – 28 (West Hollywood)
Helloooooo ladies (I’ve always wanted to say that!)

I am a fairly successful, attractive gay man in his late twenties looking to find a woman to date and ultimately marry. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Why would a gay man want to marry a woman?” Well, plenty of reasons actually, you lucky bitches, but none of the usual ones apply here. You see, in the gay community, being straight or “bi” is more attractive to other men than being gay. It’s the old “want what you can’t have” syndrome, kind of like how you girls always want the guy that treats you like shit and doesn’t call you for weeks. Well, we’ve all got our “thing”, but we learn to live with it.

So this is me living with it! We would begin a relationship that would probably be like most others you’ve had in the past: start the courtship process, pick things up gradually until we move in together, tie the knot, and have kids (optional at this point, though we can go into that later). And yes, we will have sex (for that fresh pussy scent before I head out with the bois), probably sporadically though cuz I don’t want to turn straight again, lol! I work out daily (sometimes twice daily), go tanning frequently, and wax all of my body hair (except for my initials above my junk), so my body is AMAZING!

“But what’s in it for me?” you ask (seriously, you women are almost as self-focused as us!). Well, first you get to appear to have this perfect, stable, hetero relationship to the outside world (attn: closet lezzies!). We could live in my mid-century modern, recently rehabbed show home (you’ll love it, seriously!). We would throw fabulous dinner parties and go to cute restaurants and on shopping trips! I’ve got a great health plan at work, which as my wife (!) you would get as well. Also great for you international ladies: instant citizenship!

But it’s not all rainbows (get it, gay?) and sunshine, there’s a few caveats. I will from time to time need the place to myself for Craigslist/Manhunt/Grindr/Dudesnude/Adam4adam/Rentboy.com/OKCupid/JDate hookups to come over, sometimes late into the night (sorry in advance for waking you!). It would be great if you went to stay with your sister periodically so that I could honestly say “the wife’s visiting her sister for the weekend, gangbang at 9am”, I hate all of the lies (well, most lies, haha). Also, I will probably need you to pick me up when I can’t drive; I really can’t get another DUI.

Anyway, if this sounds like something you might be looking for, send me an email with your name, details, picture, and favorite Lady Gaga look (mine is tranny robot!). Thanks for reading, I can’t wait to pound box (did I say that right?).

By:           editor editor
On:           May 2, 2010
Tagged: , , ,
  • 19 Comments
    • AxelDC
      AxelDC

      Good luck with that. I haven’t done studies to see if gay men prefer bi or “straight” married guys, but when any guy tells me he is “discreet” or cheating on anyone, especially his wife or boyfriend, it usually means the conversation has come to an abrupt end.

      May 2, 2010 at 1:03 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • clark
      clark

      IF the ad is legit, this guy sounds like a total douche-bag. Besides, in these “arrangements”, it’s all fun and games until one of the parties falls in love. (Mid-century modern and fab body not withstanding!).

      May 2, 2010 at 2:28 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mike L.
      Mike L.

      LOL!

      May 2, 2010 at 2:44 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Lamar
      Lamar

      Lol!!!

      May 2, 2010 at 6:07 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Marc
      Marc

      Yaaaaaaaaaa no.
      in my dating days, if you were married or bi, I was no longer interested.

      Cheaters are pigs in my books and not in a good, oinking sort of way.

      May 2, 2010 at 8:50 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Mike
      Mike

      Sounds completely fake. I’m not attracted to bi or straight guys in any way. I like my men GAY.

      May 2, 2010 at 9:06 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • SSCHIEFRSHA
      SSCHIEFRSHA

      Well……….it is said that “forbidden fruit tastes sweeter.” LOL!

      May 2, 2010 at 11:41 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • E
      E

      @Mike I second that!

      May 3, 2010 at 12:36 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Ken S
      Ken S

      Really…? Is this what the world’s come to? Some mucked-up-in-the-head homo pimping himself out to a gold-digging fag-hag so that he can add a bit of “married ‘straight guy'” mystique to his laundry list of shameless self-promotion? This guy sounds like he has an event horizon of degradation– anything entering his orbit will inescapably be humiliated and crushed.

      Plus, your initials in your pubes? Uggggh. Is it just me or is that pretty high on the list of “douche-iest things *evar*”?

      May 3, 2010 at 7:39 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Woody
      Woody

      who spell checks this crap?

      May 3, 2010 at 9:24 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Queerty is obsessed with Jarret Barrios. ZZZ. (John from England)
      Queerty is obsessed with Jarret Barrios. ZZZ. (John from England)

      Jesus his taking the P*SS!

      Doh!

      May 3, 2010 at 10:06 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Queerty is obsessed with Jarret Barrios. ZZZ. (John from England)
      Queerty is obsessed with Jarret Barrios. ZZZ. (John from England)

      @Queerty is obsessed with Jarret Barrios. ZZZ. (John from England):

      he’s

      May 3, 2010 at 10:09 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • Disbelief
      Disbelief

      Wow…people, chill, it’s a funny spoof. I can’t believe the idiots commentators who are actually thinking this is serious…

      May 3, 2010 at 10:54 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • CaliberGuy
      CaliberGuy

      That has to be fake I know that any inkling of cheating ends a conversation I’m having with a potential suitor, and don’t even try to start one if you are waring a wedding band, or have a profile status of married of in any way taken! Cheating is just disgusting and I refuse to let some pig turn me into that other person.

      May 3, 2010 at 2:15 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • AB
      AB

      I’m female and would be willing to live in an arranged relationship with a gay man (37-48) who is in the closet and not ready to come out.

      If its a really nice person who could be a good friend and share some common interests, well educated, intelligent, cultural, a working professional with his life on order – I wouldn’t mind being up for it.

      I understand that in some professions or situations its not so easy to ‘come out’ and could have an adverse affect.

      Dec 16, 2010 at 2:22 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • jacknasty
      jacknasty

      Clearly this is a satire.

      However, it does make a good point. There are WAY too many guys who are into married/striaght/bi men. Obviously not the politically minded gays who support gay rights and read and comment on this blog (so enough with the “if somebody said he was cheating it was over” comments). But go look up Craig’s list in any city and in the “casual encounters” you will see tons of posts of people looking for bi or married guys, and tons of posts from bi and married guys.

      Dec 16, 2010 at 2:50 pm · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • lexx
      lexx

      I would marry him!

      Apr 18, 2012 at 10:47 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • SweetestSin
      SweetestSin

      I would marry him2. The problem is once U2 have kids u have 2 leave 4his hookups/hookups at night. Plus who’s going 2watch the kids when u go pick up his drunk azz. It sounds great but reality you’re living in an unstable environment.
      Imagine how po u would be if u jus got the sick kids 2 sleep and in comes a very happy boosed up nice and loud daddy.
      U would be divorced in 5yrs. The best part is you both get what you out of life and use discretion w/love life.
      I could pitch a short story of exactly detail 2 detail of what I want n it probably would change. Not 100% but different.
      It’s not for me. Plus I’m early 30’s 2 old 4 all those games. It’s 430am. nighty night

      Nov 24, 2012 at 4:25 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·
    • PrincessK
      PrincessK

      Is this add still available?

      Jun 9, 2013 at 10:46 am · @ReplyReply to this comment ·

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