A Queerty Anthology of Rosie Blogs, Translated

aaarosieshowOh noez!!!ONEONEONE! Rosie O’Donnell, America’s favorite unlikeable lesbian and poet-laureate has announced that she’s given up blogging, saying:

“When I started to blog, no one knew what a blog was. Then it got so commonplace, it was kind of being used on entertainment shows as edited pieces. I was like, ‘It’s not worth it.’ It wasn’t providing the joy that it used to.”

That’s right, Rosie invented blogging way back in 2007, so this is big, big news. How are we to live with the knowledge that there will be no more of her nonsensical rambling pseudo-poetry coming down the pike? Wait. There’s only one way to properly express our feelings:

day two
it is sad
had a blueberry topped oatmeal today
also sad
so fat, so gone forever
OH

Let’s look back on the greatest hits of a woman who single-handedly reinvented the haiku to make it accessible to the lobotomized, the brain-dead and the just plain stupid. We took some lit crit theory in college, so we’ll break down Rosie’s double-meanings, poetic devices and arch symbolism for you. I’m telling you, this is going to open a whole new branch of academic theory.

On We Go
7.29.08

earthquake in la
wow
i flew in the night b4 the big one
january 94

b4 parker was born
i was in rehearsals for GREASE
we were opening in boston
i was needed in hollywood

as betty rubble
was shooting a macdonalds commercial
mc rib
if my mc memory is right

i was at the 4 seasons
bumped out of bed
it sounded like a runaway train
in the next room

robert klein was in the lobby
talking to the shaken concierge
“so- the mnm’s rolled out of my mini bar –
will i b charged for them?”

cracking us all up at once
tension breaker
lil comedy never hurts
when u r scared

Analysis: There’s so much going on in this piece. There’s disaster, there’s musical theatre, there’s Robert Klein. Rosie makes reference to The Flintstones, one of the two movies she was given a lead in (the other being S&M romp, Exit to Eden) before being slowly downgraded to second-tier “character actor” and finally, daytime host. Is the “earthquake” here literal, metaphorical or both? Notice the way she pairs the disaster imagery with the warm comfort of McDonald’s and M&M’s? Eating and stress– two sides of the same jelly-filled doughnut.

balance
11.06.08

too much
energy light buzzing
makes u high
ready to chuck the ssri

it happened
i had doubted
2 shield my scarred heart
prepare for the worst

so irish
u never know
ur life can be changed
by a phone call

there has been an accident
there r no accidents
detroit airport
the morning after

bliss
i wonder if i will stop hugging
every black person i see
archie kissed sammy davis jr

the movie finished
each one a gift
a cameraman – a grip
with twins at home

life
art / soup
lily said it best
after jane wrote it down

all women
r created equal
the origin of love
peace out america

humbly we pray”

Analysis: Perhaps her most ironic and challenging work, “balance” finds Rosie in an ironic mood. Testing the limits of the human gag reflex, she piles on shopworn cliches and light racism with experimental homages to e.e. cummings (the lack of capitalization and “art/soup” dichotomy) while still finding time to make a moment of national importance an opportunity to talk about what drugs she’s on and her new movie. The “balance” at the heart of this work is of course, an illusion. Look for balance in Rosie and you’ll only find imbalance, which fortunately, is being treated by her physician.

“FIRE”
10.27.07

WASHINGTON — The White House scolded the Federal Emergency Management Agency on Friday for staging a phony news conference about assistance to victims of wildfires in southern California.
The agency _ much maligned for its sluggish response to Hurricane Katrina over two years ago _ arranged to have FEMA employees play the part of independent reporters Tuesday and ask questions of Vice Adm. Harvey E. Johnson, the agency’s deputy director.
The questions were predictably soft and gratuitous.
“I’m very happy with FEMA’s response,” Johnson said in reply to one query from an agency employee.
White House press secretary Dana Perino said it was not appropriate that the questions were posed by agency staffers instead of reporters. FEMA was responsible for the “error in judgment,” she said, adding that the White House did not know about it beforehand and did not condone it.

remember when the boy king
arrived in new orleans
the capital lit behind him
by generators they flew in

for the charade

Tonight so many victims of the hurricane and the flood are far from home and friends and familiar things. You need to know that our whole Nation cares about you – and in the journey ahead you are not alone. To all who carry a burden of loss, I extend the deepest sympathy of our country. To every person who has served and sacrificed in this emergency, I offer the gratitude of our country. And tonight I also offer this pledge of the American people: Throughout the area hit by the hurricane, we will do what it takes … we will stay as long as it takes … to help citizens rebuild their communities and their lives. And all who question the future of the Crescent City need to know: There is no way to imagine America without New Orleans, and this great city will rise again.

i watch him act
badly i might add
with the movie star
pretender

oil is at 93 dollars a barrel
the highest in history

careful now everyone
remember before the went into iraq
same shit
different year

wake up
ultimate power corrupts
ultimately
it has

BO asswipes
showed up at my book signing
camera in hand
cocky young white men

darkness always
fights the light

they were bullied out
not soon enuf
4 my liking
eye 2 eye – turn it off

i saw u
how do u feel
tonight
clever or cruel

for the hundreds of others
who offered their hearts
in letters and hands held
secrets and hugs

my gratitude only
as u remind me
what we all know inside
believe – it whispers

thank u
kanye take em 2 church

Think Progress » KATRINA TIMELINE

Analysis: If you’re thinking to yourself, “Did Rosie just copy some shit off of a website and add her own meandering thoughts to it?”, you’re right. But isn’t that what all bloggers do? Isn’t Rosie the true essence of blogging: Self-absorption married to name dropping all in the name of “commentary.” Are not George Bush, Kanye West, Dana Parino and the mean people who show up at Rosie’s book signings with video cameras all “bloggers” when you come to think about it? In the words of O’Donell herself, “believe-it whispers’. Oh, how you whisper, Rosie. We’re listening.