Storytelling

Act I, Scene I: Michael Lucas Arrives in New York

mlucas1

Pro-Israel activist and child porn critic Michael Lucas wasn’t just born in to porn royalty. He arrived in New York, from Germany, like plenty of immigrants: broke, and looking for the American dream.

“I had arrived at JFK with a backpack and a little suitcase and $150. I immediately started escorting for $300 an hour and working at the Gaiety Theater. Porn was not my dream; I wanted to be the next Tom Cruise. But I was realistic and practical, and saw my competition in Hollywood, and decided that the opportunity for me was in porn. But it was also depressing, mostly because I was working with straight, rude, gay-for-pay performers. People didn’t want me as their escort because I was not buff enough, or because I had long hair and a thick Russian accent. I said MUD-un-nuh instead of Mah-DAWN-ah.

“After three months, I rented the living room of a D.J. from the Gaiety and saved $17,000 to pay six months up-front on my own one-bedroom on Barrow Street. The neighborhood felt like a nice suburb of London, and that is when I started to fall in love with New York—even though I just had a mattress on the floor and a rotary phone to call my family in Russia. I wore poor-person clothes like Abercrombie & Fitch, which was very sad, very beige. (Eventually, when I started to get some money, I bought Valentino, because I did not know any better.) I got bad haircuts and shopped in bad supermarkets. I learned to cook from marked-down cookbooks I bought at a Barnes & Noble, but I preferred the Burger King. I remember looking in the mirror once in 1997 and not seeing even one ab.”

[New York Magazine]

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44 Comments

  • samwise

    hahaha comedy gold

    hitting rock bottom = seeing no abs in the mirror

  • JoeB

    He’s pulling a huge prank on us, right? This is hilarious. I also think most of America doesn’t view A&F clothes as ‘poor-person clothes’ despite it being the favorite of many gay men.

  • Sean

    What a douche.

  • Jeremy

    Love this guy. Hillarious. Sexy. Intelligent. Doesn’t get any better.

  • Edward

    This man has talked the talk and walked the walk. He is a self-made man and built his own empire. I’m proud he arrived in my town.

  • strumpetwindsock

    Poor person’s clothes?

    Rotary phones?

    Bad supermarkets?

    Oh this is too funny.

    But I think it’s actually “chardonnay”, not “muh-duh-nuh”.

  • chris

    A&F is not for poor people.

    Shopping at TJ Maxx and Marshall’s, is (which is where I go, lol, i hate being a student!)

  • afrolito

    A&F is most definitely for people with no taste.

  • HayYall

    @chris: Don’t you hate on Marshalls bitch! I’ll be forced to choke you with my $7.99 “Burburry” scarf!!

  • strumpetwindsock

    @afrolito:

    Yeah, most of the homeless people I see haven’t stooped to that level yet. Some may be barefoot and in stained clothes, but at least they have some self-respect.

    And you know, if he had at least stolen the discount book to cook faux gourmet (or, perish the thought, gone to the library) I might believe he was actually hurtin’.

  • Mikemiller

    Michael Lucas is indeed a douche bag. Sorry Jeremy, but you must be one of his little workers because anyone who does know him knows he’s a total creep and a hypocrite (how can he stand on that stage and condem Brent C. when he has a pissing video out that is still considered highly un-safe sex) Someone that night received an award for work with HIV-safer sex as well as the woman who did work to prevent underage porn.(hence his slam at Brent C.)
    And faking his death/murder or whatever he tried to do for his ego attention-“please someone alway look at me!” was just down right sick and sad.

  • strumpetwindsock

    @Mikemiller:

    I think Jeremy was being facetious.

  • LOL

    @Afrolito

    A&F is for aging gays who like to put “boi” (yes, with an “i”) in their internet nicknames. (Mind you I like a daddy in his late 40’s, I just don’t like people acting like their teens in their 40’s.)

  • Dabq

    I don’t know what is funnier in this story, that he mocks A&F, rightfully so for those rags, or that someone actually paid him $300 bucks for 5 minutes of boring sex, since with that goofy pout one could not help but burst into laughter!

    Thank goodness I have never seen any of his body of ‘work,’ LOL!

  • michael

    You bitches don’t know what its like to go through hard times. I remember when I first came to New York, I slept on a Ligne Roset sofa because I could not afford B&B Italia. It was awful. I did not have pate’ for almost a year and could only keep my wine fridge half full. My little 1200 sq ft loft in Chelsea was constantly dusty because I could not afford my cleaning lady but twice a month. I used the same Dior carry on for 2 years because I could not afford an additional LV one. And we won’t even mention how I was forced to wear 2xist underwear so that I could avoid wearing Kenneth Cole shoes. Thank God for sale time at Barney’s or might of gone naked. Stop making fun of those who have had it ruff.

  • AJ

    I don’t get into piss, but I don’t think it’s considered “unsafe.” It’s sterile.

  • CHRIS CROCKER

    LEAVE MICHAEL ALOOOOONE!

  • Sean

    @Michael – AWESOME. lol

  • Vinman

    @michael: I think you might have just made me smile for the whole weekend! Thanks!

  • Good lord

    Now I know where I’ve seen that man before! The Gaiety… of course. I can hear the raspy smoke-damaged voice of the announce now: “Nessst up on steddggg, Michaehehehehllll”

  • Jeremy

    No Jeremy was noy being facetious. And no I dont’t work in this industry. I simply think Lucas is a pionner and has garnered the attention of everyone, rightfully so. I know we want to root for the underdog and this article doesn’t paint him in that light but he came from a communist country and moved to america and made it big.

  • Reese

    Is this an old picture??? He looks so cute!!! How can anyone say a word bad about that adorable piece of sex.

  • Matt

    He made it in America with the help of a sugar daddy.

  • strumpetwindsock

    @Jeremy:
    LOL

    Sorry, I stand corrected. I guess I was just fooled by the hyperbolae. Didn’t think you were actually serious.

    p.s.
    I wonder if the author of that fluff piece knows how much rotary phones are going for in retro shops now.

  • John Santos

    He made it in America with the help of a sugar daddy.

    I’m glad someone finally said it. I know loads of men like Mr. Lucas who claim to be rags to riches; but in reality it’s rags, to the bedroom, to riches.

  • Gozzy

    Its entertainment…eveyone has gone from rags to casting couch/bedroom to riches. yawwwwn. i dont care if his baby daddy paid for it all or nothing. its lucas bitch. boy got talent.

  • Pragmatist

    @michael: A+

  • gurlene

    I don’t quite get it. I woke up this morning around 3am, farted twice as I walked to the bathroom, urinated, and walked back down the hallway and got back into bed until the alarm went off at 6:15am.

    Why don’t you write a story about me and my adventure? I just don’t see what is so soul stirring about this guy where every other day he gets an article about something either just outright silly or mundane he is ranting about. Let’s move on and leave him where he is for crap sake.

  • tomas

    dear Gurlene,
    its probably because all u can do is fart…so please keep farting and just do not read about people you claim not to be interested in.

  • BobP

    That was this close to being a very funny comedy routine. He’s not really serious…or is he?

  • gurlene

    @tomas: Since you did include the word probably I’ll be nice and pay the postage on the canned fart that I will be more than happy to ship to you. Leave the address of your sugar daddys house you no doubt live in and I will overnight a “good one” to you.

    I just had a nice helping of collards greens and pork chops too. You should love this one. Hurry because by 7am tomorrow it will ALL be gone and the rosy scent will return. That’s what happens when you have a career where your success is not based on how far your rectum can stretch, but then you wouldn’t know about that, would you?

  • TANK

    gags And trust me, that’s no easy feat.

  • TANK

    @TANK:

    Not the article. Gurlene

  • Chitown Kev

    @gurlene:
    LOL.

  • James P

    wait… $300 bucks for a 25 year old skinny twink in NYC… in the mid nineties?

    really?

  • harolddd

    yummy yummy screw gimme dat lucas nut

  • GranDiva

    I thought ML was done with New York Magazine after that last piece…

  • Jack

    I agree that the pout is hilarious. He’s ugly, boring, and way overrated. Next!

  • stevenelliot

    I saw him in a vid with michelangelo signoreli on you tube. Lucas was much more feminine than he acts in his porn vids. What’s up with that. I think he’s hot either way though.

  • victor b

    Poor michael… i wonder how savvy his PR people are, letting him slam, or in his case responding to this interview, slamming gay men who wear A&F… i was pretty sure the people who buy the most porn are in the bible belt and mid west… quite a slap to the face. May he be happy in his Valentino knockoff’s from Canal Street… and may the midwest despise him.

  • Helga von Ornstein

    @victor b: Ouch. Maybe his dvd’s aren’t selling THAT poorly, though times are hard and that is one market (porn) that has become so flooded I wonder how anyone is still making any real money in it.

  • Mister C

    SORRY Girls,
    Ain’t nothing about this queen I like. She is still with a Sugar Daddy which is her Bank account. This QUEEN is a pure D big cock, or dick….OR NOT!

    And her race rants makes it even worse.

    Question: Why do we think a person who fucked their way, or used someone to get what they have is fabulous?????

    REALLY? I think it’s sad.

  • vincente

    so it was supposed to be a funny, ironic, oscar wilde camp stuff but it came out so sad…

  • Helga von Ornstein

    @James P: Yeah right, and if you believe that please be sure to say hello to the easter bunny and last but not least don’t forget that babies come from heaven too.

Comments are closed.