COFFEE BREAK

Banning Guns In Starbucks Is Like Asking Gays To Stay Closeted, Claims NRA Nutjob

Put on your Depends, kids. It’s time for The Queerty Comedy Hour! Today’s guest jokester is Colion Noir, the NRA commentator and YouTube sensation whose videos promote the interests of gun owners and the gun lobby.

Noir — if that’s his given name, there’s not much information about him anywhere on the internet — recently aimed his crosshairs on Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz, who last week asked gun owners not to bring their pieces into any Starbucks location. Schultz stopped short of banning guns altogether, but that wasn’t good enough for Noir, who compared Schultz’s request to banning gay people and interracial couples from entering the store in a video posted last week.

Noir opens his video by saying, “In the wake of Starbucks coming out of the proverbial anti-gun closet — yes, I said anti-gun, because when you request that I don’t bring my gun with me into your store, that’s an anti-gun stance. Think about it. If you said, ‘We’re not pro or anti-gay, but please, all gay people, we respectfully ask that you not bring your gayness into the store. I mean, we’ll still serve you, but if you can leave the gayness at the door, we would much appreciate it.’”

Noir goes on to explain, “My issue with the Starbucks’s open letter or request that we don’t bring our guns in there is the fact that they’re singling out responsible gun owners over a whole host of other jackasses that come into Starbucks. I’ve spent a third of my life studying in Starbucks to get through law school. And every single time, it was me, my law books, Mrs. Caramel Frappuccino, and Mr. Glock-19.”

If Noir truly spent a third of his life in law school — which should take no more than six years, if you’re going part-time — he might want to consider writing the institution that awarded him a J.D. for a refund, because he obviously never learned to form a logical argument.

Gun ownership, unlike sexual orientation, is not an inextricable part of a person’s identity. Nor, for that matter, does a person’s sexual orientation possess the potential to take another person’s life. Last time we checked, a lesbian never walked into an elementary school and murdered a bunch of six and seven year olds with her sensible haircut.

It’s unclear how Noir became so popular. Some of his YouTube videos boast more than 800,000 views. And if his rhetorical mastery seems suspect, his sensationalism certainly goes unchallenged. Facts be damned, he incites fear among gun owners that the government is trying to disarm them. In that respect, he’s a typical NRA lackey, refusing to entertain any discussion of gun control while portraying himself as a perpetual victim.