As a service to the gay community, throughout this Valentine’s Day season, Queerty is playing Anne Landers/Dan Savage to the online gay world of Craigslist, our favorite go-to spot for unintentional hilarity. We’ll give our advice to online suitors, but we hope you’ll get involved as well, helping to play cupid to the digital masses teeming to breathe heavy.
To start the fun off, we begin with this “Missed Connection” from Brooklyn:
I saw you at a Brooklyn diner on Saturday afternoon. You were eating with some friends and glancing up at the basketball game every once in a while. It was nice to see you out doing something so normal. You’re every bit as handsome as you are on TV – and you seem like such a great, genuine guy. I only wish there was a context in which our two worlds could overlap.
Hey there Hipster Nerd! Congratulations on spotting the Silver Fox outside of his usual habitat of the West Village. That’s a real find. However, you’ll have to do more than sit in the corner pretending to read Swann’s Way to catch the attention of the fickle debutante of CNN. Here are some useful pointers to get you started:
1. Be younger – You’re going to have to fake your age if you want to catch the scion of Vanderbilt. At 24, you’re a little long in the tooth for Cooper’s tastes. Dial that back down to maybe 21 and you’ll get a lot more attention. You can’t just say you’re 21, however. You have to feel 21. Try wearing an NYU jersey, though come to think of it, he might mistake you for a Tisch student. Better to go with a tight-fitting CUNY t-shirt. It’ll show that you’re not a snob, or at the very least, unlikely to have easy media access with which to report your affair.
2. Be Latin – Cooper’s boyfriends (which of course, he doesn’t have, because he’s not gay, but we digress) are usually Latin. See irritating em>Real Worlder J.D. Ordonez, whose from Miami and trains dolphins, when not browbeating transsexuals or Julio Cesar Recio, whose so Latin that he’s managed to be in his 30s and still nab himself some Cooper-love.
3. If you really want your world to overlap with the Coop’s you have to get the hell out of Brooklyn. All our favorite Cooper sightings are in the Silver Fox’s natural habitat of the west side of Manhattan. Hang out at Magnolia’s (looking young, looking Latin) and dress well. The sports angle you have going is great. Maybe read the NYTimes sports page at Cafe Dante. Of course, if you really want to run into Anderson, you need look no further than your nearest leather shop:
So, Hipster Nerd, I hope this helps. A word of caution before your heart gets broken: when it comes to “genuine”, you may be dropping the wrong anchor. Follow our tips and you may well nab yourself some Anderson, but don’t expect him to acknowledge your relationship in any way whatsoever, other than, of course, through coy allusions to his sexuality. You see, the thing Cooper loves to flirt with most is the media. That’s right, he’s ours. Lay off!
What advice do you have for a young Brooklyn nerd looking to score him a 360 degree view of Anderson Cooper?