Every ‘Halloween’ movie ranked from least to most gay

Despite Easter featuring a Barry’s Bootcamp-ready Jesus and a YASSSSSS-ified Bunny, we all know that Halloween is the gayest holiday. But what of the film franchise born from its name? The original Halloween is one of the most influential films of the last 50 years, among the most profitable movies ever made, and has launched the career of a legitimate superstar in OG final girl, Jamie Lee Curtis, in addition to 11 sequels. All of that is great, iconic, and spooky but is it gay?

We take a closer look in advance of the series’ “final” installment, Halloween Ends, by ranking all 12 (!!!!) of the Halloween movies by gayness—a scientific and wholly reasonable metric.

12. Halloween (2007)

There is a reading of this Rob Zombie-directed reboot that could be gay, in that it’s trying so hard to be “no homo,” that it sort of protests too much. Unfortunately, any inkling of queerness gets tossed aside due to the film’s aggressive unpleasantness, securing its position as the messiest bottom on the list. If you can get past the constant screaming (there’s so much screaming, you guys), you’re in for lots of sexual assault, homophobia, and just oodles of misogyny. Visually, every character looks like they are fighting a low-grade fever and each surface looks like it’s been hosed down in Coors Light and sadness.

Points in its favor: the film paints Michael Myers as a level-10 mama’s boy clinger—a queer staple. However, those types of insights into Michael’s pre-murder life don’t make this version of a Halloween movie scary; Michael Myers is an unstoppable, unknowable killing machine. With all due respect to Meghan Trainor, knowing that he was bullied by the kid from Spy Kids isn’t terrifying, illuminating, or gay; it’s just boring.

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11. Halloween II (2009)

You could just +1 everything we said about the original Rob Zombie reboot, except this sequel has a unicorn in it, so that’s 69 extra rainbow gay points. Honestly, the two films in the Zombie Halloween-verse are like a Grindr hook-up you are pretty sure you won’t get out of alive; the kind where the guy has a shelf of doll heads on the wall and says, “I’ve always thought this one looks just like you.” You survive—maybe even power through—but at what cost?

10. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

Laurie Strode’s daughter Jamie has survived the first attack from her Uncle Michael and now refuses to speak, which is the gayest possible way to react to trauma. This entry also features a Man In Black who is giving us rugged gay cowboy fantasy and the doubling-down on the Cult of Thorn. The Cult of Thorn, which sounds pretty gay to us, is too convoluted to get into here fully, but meet us at the local Haddonfield Eagle and we’ll tell you everything, girl!

9. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988)

In Michael Myers’ third appearance as The Shape / The Boogeyman, his mask is the “Go girl give us nothing” meme fully realized. And if that’s not camp, we don’t know what is!

Our first return to Haddonfield, IL in nearly a decade finds Michael Myers coming back to end his bloodline by killing his niece, Jamie. We find her living with a foster family since Jamie Lee Curtis was too big a star to return her mother Laurie died in a car accident, and Jamie’s passive-aggressive nature also bumped this up a spot or two. At one point, she screams to her foster sister, “I’m sorry I ruin everything!” like your sloppiest friend at the end of a bottomless brunch.

8. Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

This (rightfully) hated sequel is B-A-D, but it’s the closest this series has come to camp, and that has to count for something, right? At one point, a person’s head is chopped clean off like in an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon, and there is a lot of early internet/webcam stuff that has aged like milk. Of course, the Halloween film starring Tyra Banks was never going to be the least gay movie. It’s also impossible to discuss this movie in any capacity without mentioning the scene in which Busta Rhymes (yup!) physically fights Michael Myers using deeply (deeply) offensive kung fu.

7. Halloween III: Season Of The Witch (1982)

What’s to be said about Halloween III: Season Of The Witch? As a movie, it’s fine-to-good. But, as a member of the Halloween movie family, it’s the black sheep. After the first sequel, the creators wanted to turn the franchise into an anthology not featuring Michael Myers, but rather one about Halloween—the holiday—shenanigans. It wasn’t beloved then but has turned into a cult classic, like so many gay middle schoolers once they come out later in life. This movie is about costumes, masks, and lighting yourself on fire after doing a bad job, saving it from being in the bottom third of the list.

6. Halloween II (1981)

Jamie Lee Curtis—who became a scream queen for the ages after Halloween, Prom Night, Terror Train, and The Fog—returned as Laurie Strode for this sequel just as her non-horror career was taking off (Her BAFTA-winning performance in Trading Places was coming soon). The problem? Since the sequel takes place the same night as the original film, technically November 1 (Being late? GAY!), Curtis’ soon-to-be-iconic pixie-cut would need to be addressed. They work around it by making Laurie near catatonic for much of the movie (Needing a nap? Also gay!!) and in a wig that set the gay rights movement back 30 years. It’s a wig so bad it feels clear there wasn’t a gay man within 100 miles of that movie set.

5. Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998)

After nearly 20 years away for franchise, Jamie Lee Curtis’ “Single Mom Just Trying To Figure It Out” energy is never higher than in her long-awaited return. Adult Laurie Strode in H20 is the tough, mean mom you wanted to hang out with while your friends were playing [insert age-specific thing boys do.] Adult Laurie Strode doesn’t have time for Billy’s mom’s nonsense. Adult Laurie Strode is sick of covering for Sarah’s mom in carpool just because Sarah’s dad can’t keep it in his pants. Adult Laurie Strode doesn’t care about your banana bread recipe, Melissa! Adult Laurie Strode was a bottle of wine deep and out of f*cks to give. We live for Adult Laurie Strode.

There’s also Michelle Williams’ late-90s, pencil-thin eyebrows, which, if not queer, are at the very least questioning. Lastly, and most relevant to the gay canon, is simply: 90’s Josh Hartnett. IYKYK.

4. Halloween (2018)

Famously this is a movie about trauma. And not dealing with trauma until it decays into an unhealthy, destructive personality trait? Wooooo baby! That’s gayer than Leslie Jordan on a Pure For Men float in the middle of Pride.

No, no, what makes this the 4th queerest Halloween film is the introduction of the canonical gay fav, Judy Greer, as Laurie Strode’s damaged but secretly survivalist daughter, Karen. She gets the best scene in the movie (“Gotcha!), wields a shotgun, and wears a Christmas sweater for the majority of her time on-screen. We love to see the folks who fit squarely in the Judy Greer Gays, Christmas Gays, Spooky Gays Venn diagram eating so well. Other notes: The straight-boy in a dress subtracts gayness points because, while nice to see, i a bit “Charlie Puth’s Instagram” for our taste. Also, two of the first kills in this movie are podcast co-hosts, and there’s just nothing gayer than hosting a podcast.

3. Halloween Kills (2021)

Plus 1,000 gay points for being a Halloween film featuring a gay couple. Minus 1,000 gay points for having that gay couple (who live in the Myers house) be a carbon copy of a cliche. Nathan Lane watched this performance and said, “Girl, tone it down!” Their home is tacky to the point of comedy, they listen to a victrola of fun house music, and, for some reason, they call each other Big John and Little John while alone in the house. (One would think that, if you’re calling out for your partner in your own home, you’d know you weren’t calling for yourself?)

The problem is, while Big John and Little John are bordering on insulting, you have to add 1,000,000 gay points for Kyle Richards, an iconic Real Housewife, reprising her role as terrorized Lindsay Wallace from the original Halloween. Not to get too punny, but she totally slays and is ultimately the best part of this very bad movie.

2. Halloween (1978)

We’ve seen this movie 357,853 times, so it was a revelation to watch the “original” slasher (yes, we know, we know Black Christmas et al.) with rainbow-colored glasses on. It’s probably easier to just share our notes:

• Is young Michael Myers the original Demon Twink?
• Dr. Loomis screams: “He’s gone! He’s gone from here! The evil is gone!” This feels very familiar to anyone who has endured post-coital chit-chat with an Uber driver you met on Scruff.
• These kids are obsessed with their babysitter, one of the most telltale signs of queerness in a young child. (It can’t be stated enough that Kyle Richards plays one of the young children.)
• Laurie develops her franchise-spanning catchphrase “Do as I say” in this film, which should become a Bossy Bottom anthem.

1. Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers (1995)

You may ask yourself how this forgotten, much-maligned sequel is topping the list. But, when one evaluates all the evidence, there’s simply no denying this as the gayest Halloween film. And it all comes down to one scene. Yes, this movie has a lot going for it: a twink Paul Rudd, the return of the Cult Of Thorn and Daddy In Black, and everything a near-death Donald Pleasance does or says is so over-the-top it sends our gayness barometer through the roof. But, in this film, Michael Myers does the most relatable thing imaginable within the male gay community: His over-enthusiasm and lack of preparedness mess up a set of white sheets. So he puts them in the washing machine! In secret! If you’re reading this and can’t relate, well, post your fiber intake regime in the comments.

The jury’s in: Michael Myers is an ally.