THE GODDESS LIVES

Eight Things You Won’t See Elizabeth Berkley Do On “Dancing With The Stars”

There must still be some folks watching Dancing With the Stars, because there’s a new season on the way!

TMZ is reporting that a number of famous names have signed on for the new season of ABC’s celebrity-based dance competition, only one of whom has a rather extensive background in “dancing.” She had a pretty tough gig the first time around, but in her first public appearance in 18 years, Nomi Malone will take the stage once more to prove she’s not a stripper. She’s a dancer!

That’s right. The flawless human being that portrayed the iconic role of Nomi Malone in 1995 cult classic Showgirls, Elizabeth Berkley, has signed on alongside Valerie Harper, Amber Riley, and Snooki.

But this competition isn’t happening at the Cheetah, and this girl is definitely not a whore, so her dance moves may be pretty tame. Here are eight things you won’t see Elizabeth Berkley doing on DWTS:

THRUSTING IT. This is a family program, so there’s no way ABC is going to let Inner Nomi come forth and do some pelvic thrusts on stage, even if Gaye is screaming in her face like a crazy person. Let’s just hope she’s still able to pick up dance routines this quickly.

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Giving private dances. There will be none of these shenanigans on DWTS.

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The audience will most likely still not be able to touch her, and she definitely won’t be keeping that big tip if someone comes on her.

“Hot” dancing. Don’t worry, she’s learned the difference between dancing and teasing dick by now.

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Watching. Thankfully, Ms. Malone will not be watching this time. She’s the star!

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Wearing Versayce. Girl, do you remember what happened the last time she put on that skirt?!

Getting naked. Again, this is a family program.

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Swimming. Keep this woman away from water at all costs!

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Sabotaging the careers of others. There’s a strict ‘no marbles’ rule on the DWTS stage. She could be fined if she even attempts this.

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But you know what she will be doing? She’ll be living large as the rightful diva she is, performing on stage and most likely making it further in the competition than Snooki, at least.

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Because Elizabeth Berkley is flawless. She is perfect.

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She is a Goddess.

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And she is going to win this show.

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8 Comments

  • MR

    Why is it that Queerty won’t show us peen, which some of us would like to see, but makes my eyes bleed with surprise boobage?!!

  • boring

    Showgirls is fucking legit.

  • BrandoPolo

    @boring: It’s about time Liz took her rightful place as a gay icon for this generation. More over Gaga.

  • boring

    @BrandoPolo: Showgirls doesn’t get enough play in the Gay community because it’s GENUINE camp – unintentionally hilarious – every single person involved in the process of making it believed in the material.

    Fake, intentional camp is, 99.999% of the time, unmitigated bullshit.

  • MK Ultra

    Showgirls is so incredibly bad, that’s it’s actually good.

  • Scribe38

    Love that damn movie!

  • Jackhoffsky

    on the plus side, we will probably see better acting from her on DWTS than in Showgirls.

  • Dixie Rect

    We’re all whores, darlin’ !

Comments are closed.