fang bang

Episode 3 of “Interview With the Vampire” was all about man-on-man vampire sex and open relationships

Jacob Anderson (the best) as Louis (potentially the worst).

So, I have this new theory—well, new to me, anyway—that Louis is basically the villain of Interview With the Vampire. In the book, which I just finished re-reading, there’s this scene toward the end in which Louis is parting ways with this other vampire whom he has kinda disappointed and made miserable. Well, you know, even more miserable than all Anne Rice vampires are constantly all the time anyway.

Revisiting that I was like, Ohhhhh, yeah, this dude has a ton of toxic unaddressed depression and self-hatred that he’s like actively not doing anything about for centuries and so he’s constantly ruining the lives of everyone around him!

Basically, that’s what was on my mind when I started Episode 3, which opens in 1917 with Louis and Lestat just hanging out in… I want to say Jackson Square or some other park named after some genocidal white tool bag or other.

Louis is reading Darwin and is like, “Hey, babe, should we maybe start only murdering bad people maybe?” Which, like, I have never read Darwin, but that seems like a weird take-away from Survival of the Most Fittest or whatever.

But Lestat, is like, “Sure, fine, let’s play this out.” So, they go wandering around reading people’s minds and pretty much everyone is just a drunk dirtbag but not, like, evil enough for Louis. And Lestat is like, “Blah blah blah moral relativism” and “Everyone is shitty sometimes yadda yadda.” And when they finally do find this dude who apparently robs poor people, Louis still can’t bring himself to eat him. So he eats a nearby cat.

See what I mean? Is Louis maybe kinda the worst???

Louis and Lestat realizing that maybe Louis is the worst.

Then they go to the successful brothel they own where Lestat, a white man, invents a famous real-life ragtime song. And also Louis is like, “I’m not going to murder people anymore, sorry not sorry.”

Meanwhile, in 2022, Daniel is like, “Hey, the Lestat in this TV show is nothing like the one in the book who was basically an abusive numbskull.” And Louis is like, “Ok, first of all, I do not consider myself abused, and also I remember it differently now.”

So, Daniel throws away the tapes of their 1970s interview and Louis sets them on fire, and in case you didn’t get the message three episodes in, we are doing something totally different from the book, OK?

In 1917, Louis is all hangry and listless all the time now due to only drinking rat blood. Meanwhile, Lestat is having straight sex with this cis lady singer from the brothel (who likes for him to call her “daddy”!!!), which makes Louis jealous. So, they have to have a conversation about non-monogamy, because no way is Lestat the Lionbone going to spend the rest of forever only having gay sex with Louis. Which kinda seems like a conversation they should have had before committing to an eternal life together.

Hilariously, they both realize at the exact same time that this means that Louis also gets to do non-murder sex with whoever. “Of… course… that is… how this…………. works,” Lestat appropriately and not at all unconvincingly responds through gritted fangs while fully white knuckling Louis’s lapels. So, this is obviously going to work out great!

The face you make when you realize you’ve just agreed to let your husband have side pieces too.

Meanwhile, World War I is happening and also New Orleans is segregating, which is bad for Louis’s business in addition to being morally and ethically reprehensible.

Then this soldier who Louis used to hook up with when they were kids rolls into town, so they go have gay non-murder sex in the swamp. Which Lestat is definitely 100% totally fine with, for sure, yup, not psycho jealous at all and definitely he didn’t creep around spying on them in the woods that night.

The next night, Louis tries to go visit his alive family again, but his mom is like, “I cast you out, gay Satan!” So, Louis uses his vampire powers to break down the front door, which freaks everyone out. Solid job concealing your inhuman undead magic skills, babe.

Back at home, Lestat has passive-aggressively filled their house with a bajillion rowdy white soldier boys because shockingly he is jealous that Louis hooked up with that other soldier. So, then they have a huge screaming fight because for some reason it drives Lestat insane that Louis won’t murder people, and Louis is also having major buyer’s remorse about becoming a vampire.

Totally normal reaction.

Also, some segregation fuckery is going on with all the white supremacist business moustaches WHO ARE ALL STILL ON THIS SHOW ABOUT VAMPIRES. Turns out, the business walruses racistly sold Louis the fancy brothel because they knew the city was going to eventually shut it down or something. So, Louis bans white people from his brothel and that goes over about as well in 1917s New Orleans as you probably predicted. And the racist walruses do indeed shut him down.

Righteously enraged and also starving, Louis then goes and does a full-on Hannibal Lecter murder on the most racist and walrussy of the racist business walruses and strings him up with a “whites only” sign for all the world to see. Which, bonus, gets Lestat super turned on.

Unfortunately though, much like his whole “Let’s only murder evils” thing and Lestat’s open relationship thing, Louis didn’t really think this through, and all white people burn down the Black part of town in retaliation for the murder of their scumbag racist moustache king. I mean, whomst among us could have predicted? Ugh.

You know, I have to say, while guilt monster is canonically Louis’s brand, it is definitely a weird move on the part of this show to frame the torching of Black businesses and homes as… kinda his fault? But then, white supremacist moustache monsters are gonna do their white supremacist thing regardless, so I guess what I’m saying is Louis needs not take on this particular guilt.

Anyway, wracked with said characteristic guilt, Louis is like, “We’re breaking up” to Lestat, and then goes stumbling through the streets desperately trying to help where he can. Suddenly he hears a voice calling for help and goes running into a burning building where he finds a young girl trapped in the blaze…

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This is Claudia.
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