Fred Phelps Adorable Grandson Jacob Insists He’s ‘Not a Fag’

Like the not-gay son Sally Kern ignores, Fred Phelps’ grandson Jacob is also not a homosexual!

The offspring of the Westboro Baptist Church founder can often be seen holding the group’s trademark signs, like “God Hates Fags” and “Jews Killed Jesus,” showing off Jacob’s heightened sense of world history. But what of these rumors that he’s a giant homosexual? Wouldn’t that mean — shudder — God hates him?

Asked if any love interests tempt him toward marriage, Phelps said he “never kissed a girl,” or “hugged a girl.”

“No love interest,” he said. “Never have.”

Asked if that may suggest that he’s a homosexual, Phelps laughed, a laugh that seemed to stop above his mouth.

“I can guarantee I’m not a fag,” he said.

Presented with the possibility that he may be unaware of his sexual orientation and that he may indeed be gay, Phelps conceded, saying, “I could be,” before doubling back and saying “there’s no question” that he is straight.

“It disgusts me,” Phelps said, of homosexuality.

Delicious.

So too is this reporter’s wink-wink men never bring Jacob, 25, to his knees.

Spending an estimated one-third of his income on church activities and activism, Phelps has little time or money for R&R. But considering “our generation is a bunch of perverts,” there’s no need for that anyway.

His co-workers often invite Phelps to a local topless bar, Phelps said, but he has never taken them up on the offer.

Impure thoughts, though only occasional and always not involving men, get Phelps on his knees.

“I get down on my knees and ask my Lord to get those filthy thoughts out of my head,” he said.

But it isn’t easy to avoid the cheap and lascivious. Sometimes, and without his prior knowledge, a sultry sex scene pops up in a movie he may be watching.

“Oh, God,” Phelps said. “I cover my eyes.”

GOD HATES HOLLYWOOD!

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