A growing number of gay Christian millennials are embracing what is being called the “Side B” movement.
“We have a crisis of desire in our society,” 29-year-old David Bennett tells Vice.
Side B is for LGBTQ identifying Christians who don’t deny their sexualities, but rather pledge to keep them contained by partaking in “loving self-denial” (a.k.a. celibacy).
“Side B means embracing Christ as the core of your identity,” Bennett explains. “It’s submitting these [same-sex] desires, along with everything else, to him.”
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
He admits this isn’t always easy and can even be “disenfranchising,” but he insists it’s worth it.
“Like everyone, I have sexual desires,” he continues. “I’m not ashamed and don’t repress them, but I give them to God.”
Bennett says “the love of God quenches and reformulates” his desires and that whatever he’s missing from sex is “given back to me 100-fold through Jesus.”
30-year-old Joseph concurs. He grew up in a small “culturally Christian” town of 1,000 people and says celibacy is the best decision he ever made.
“I’ve dated and had sex and boyfriends during college,” he explains. “But once I became more devoted, that sex never felt quite right. I never felt guilty, but it just didn’t sit well with me regarding my faith.”
Believe it or not, Joseph has a boyfriend, but he says they don’t get naked together. Or kiss. Or cuddle. Or anything.
Joseph explains:
We tend to avoid making out just because it feels a bit strange… but years ago, we had sex. Just because you’re celibate, doesn’t mean you’re going to always be. We weren’t devastated, it was just a bit “eh”.
When asked if he’s going to be celibate forever Joseph says probably, but ya never know.
“My faith is important, and I can’t imagine being anything else right now,” he says. “I do have friends who are Side B, and as a result—they’re very lonely and conflicted. It’s just so psychologically damaging for them.”
Related: Ex-Ex-Gay Says Celibacy Makes Him Feel Like Jesus, So You Should Try It, Too!
Donston
Religion can do a ton of harm in and of itself. But in general it’s just really hard to develop a healthy ego and a non-dysfuntional romantic and sexual life as a gay/homo-leaning/trans-leaning/queer person. Whether you grow up in a super religious and disapproving environment, or you’ve contended with sexual abuse or rape, or have simply dealt with the psychological damage of being closeted and feeling different and feeling ostracized. It’s hard stuff to truly push past. Religion is used as a crutch just as much as drugs and extreme promiscuity.
I went through a couple years of celibacy and not being in any relationship in my early 20’s. I just focused on work, family, friends, enjoying life. I thought it was pretty good for me. It helped me clean the slate and get a more complete view of who I was and what I wanted. Of course, that decision had nothing to do with religion. But sex is sex. Not everyone needs it. It’s just a shame to want it but hold back from it because you’re told it’s wrong to indulge that with the type of person you have desire, passion and romantic feelings towards. But if religion has such an assuring and steadying effect for you who am I to judge?
Frank
But in general it’s just really hard to develop a healthy ego and a non-dysfuntional romantic and sexual life as a gay/homo-leaning/trans-leaning/queer person.
NOT TRUE AT ALL…
Chrisk
I don’t judge either but then I realized I think of them as mentally ill. So I guess I do judge After all. Damn. 🙁 Lol
Donston
Whether it’s true or not I guess is based on person to person experience. But I’ve yet to get to know a single gay/homo-leaning/queer male that didn’t suffer from depression, anxiety, self-resentment, drug addiction or self-destructive instincts at some point in their lives. So, it’s pretty common stuff for whatever reasons they occur.
Frank
depression (nope and no masking or wearing a face for others), anxiety (nope again), self-resentment (nope I accepted myself at 12 and told my family at 13 actually dad asked me I said yep and we passed the gravy), drug addiction (never taken any) or self-destructive instincts (nope)…
Lastly, remember you tend to attract who and what you are….you know the saying…birds of a feather flock together rings true…
Donston
I”m sorry if you felt personally attacked. But I was not talking specifically about you, “Frank”. And yes, I have suffered from despression and anxiety and some slight self-resentment at certain points in my life. Good for you and all the queer dudes you know that have always been super confident and never went through any struggles concerning their sense of self, esteem, morale or mental health.
Frank
But I’ve yet to get to know a single gay/homo-leaning/queer male that didn’t suffer from depression, anxiety, self-resentment, drug addiction or self-destructive instincts at some point in their lives.
THEN SAY THAT Donston…Do not put up a mask or superiority and assign it to everyone else when you are the one wearing it…
USE the words “I have suffered from”…and invite compassion rather than condemnation
Donston
It’s not a “mask”. I’ve always been straightforward about who I am and what I’ve been through. But yes, I have noticed that many things are not uncommon among the “queer community”, whether it’s friends, exes, co-workers, people online, people I’ve met in clubs (when I used to go to clubs), etc. The fact that you felt so personally attacked is not my problem. It seems more like you have the superiority (or rather fragility) problem. But as I said, good for you and all the queer dudes you have met that grew up in completely healthy and supportive environments and never went through any of these things.
JK 1984
Big thread so I’ll just give my 2 cents on a couple parts. Note all of this is based on my own experience, I don’t have a big enough opinion of myself to claim to speak for all the gays.
– with the exception of a much much smaller potential dating pool I don’t think there is much difference between hetero and homo couples getting together and how hard it is. Granted my experience is limited to a large city in a relatively progressive country so for people in less progressive or smaller places this may very well be different.
– all the mental health issues you talk about are not gay/queer/etc specific, the reasons or triggers may be specific, e.g. a young gay man struggling with coming out or whatever the situation may be, just like if a young straight woman (or man) is having body dismorphia issues, that is specific but the mental illness it leads to isn’t.
– I’m not into BDSM or anything too far past vanilla (boring I know haha), so for me I would never call my fiance a “fag” during sex and if he ever called me one it would be an instant boner killer. Outside of the bedroom with friends (gay and straight) have I used fag or other insulting words? Definitely, but only ever directed at people who know it is being said as a joke/ironically/not to hurt them.
At the end of the day, what I am trying to say is don’t make sweeping generalisations about a diverse group based on your own personal experiences/the group of people you know only. Your experiences/views are very different to mine despite belonging to the same broad group and there will be multiple other people with views different to both of us which are just as valid as our personal experiences.
Donston
JK, thank u for a non-dimissive, non-bitter response.
Honestly, both myself and this Frank person have made some unfortunate unfortunate sounding statements in this thread. I’m willing to admit my bad.
I specifically pointed out “queer people” because this is a “queer” site. But also because they are more likely to suffer from depression/anxiety, self-resentment, feeling ostracized, being bullied, sexual abuse/rape, etc. at some point in their lives (and once again, this isn’t just based on observations. It’s the cold, hard numbers). Therefore, it inevitably makes almost everything a bit tougher. And it does seem a lot of in general a lot of peoplelean on certain things (including religion) to avoid having earnest, honest conversation or to avoid confronting certain things. What I said was meant to be sympathetic. It was not meant as judgement or a sweeping statement.
Cylest Brooks
Donston,
I deleted most of Frank’s comments once it became a personal attack and was no longer a conversation. FYI.
Cj.
If that is what works for you then go for it…not my place to judge, despite any opinion(s) I might have.
Frank
Just don’t be pious in the daytime and a whore at night under the cover of darkness, the internet, bathhouses, Grindr, videos online, etc and claim that you are keeping with the tenants of your religion….
That makes you a LYING hypocrite
Donston
This is pretty much my perspective. Just don’t tell everyone else they’re going to hell. And don’t talk about finding Jesus in celibacy when you occasionally blow your neighbor or wank off to porn.
Heywood Jablowme
Well, theoretically you could ask forgiveness every single day, and theoretically God could forgive you every single day. (Or at least, you could feel that warm & fuzzy certainty that God has forgiven you.)
We’re in the realm of the totally unprovable.
Chrisk
Really all you have to do is read the title..”Gay and Christian” and you already know whatevers coming after it is gonna be some real fu#ked up sh#t.
Frank
Exactly…my father and mother told me the following:
Don’t let a book about made up people doing fucked up things to others define your life…we did not (47 years married, 4 children and as vital as ever) so you shouldn’t
Kangol
Given that Jesus Christ never mentions homosexuality (or abortion, for that matter) even once in the four Gospels, even though same sexual activity was known in his time, but Christ is clear about a host of other sacrilegious actions (like turning the house of God into a bank or business) that many Christians seem to ignore, and given that he embraced those considered to be at the lowest rungs of the society of his time (including religious dissenters, the sex worker Mary Magdalene, etc.), at a basic level this sexual self-denial and the anti-gay/same sexual attitudes beneath it make no religious sense, even if they serve psychological, emotional, cultural, etc., purposes. When I’ve brought this up to conservative Christians they either leap to the Old Testament (and ignore all of the other prohibitions), or try to change the subject. Being a person of religious faith is fine, but when it’s screwing you up based on your misunderstanding of the text or your use of it to harm others and restrict their abilities to live their lives, it’s a problem.
Frank
The entire book is a book of lies used to level punishment on self and others while those who wrote it live in their castles of gold…utter BS, you would get more from all religious texts if you just burnt them for heat on a cold winter night
Celtic
So basically warp yourself for Christ? wow. So glad I left this religion years ago.
Frank
Sorry you spent even one minute with that BS
Juanjo
Not a Christian and did not grow up in a Christian family. When I read articles like this, I thank good fortune for having been spared that sort of a fucked up life.
rand503
If you are gay and going to believe that having sex with a guy is sending you self to hell, then you are on a collision course with yourself. You can’t change your orientation, but you CAN change your religion.
I’d like to ask these guys: So if I am gay, but greek god Zeus doesn’t like it, can I have the same relationship with Zeus as you do with Jesus? Just give everything up to Zeus? Pray to him, and have imaginary conversations? Can’t I be just as fulfilled?
I’m sure they would say no, because Zeus is fictional. Bingo! So is Jesus, that you still think he says things to you!
Billy Budd
Dont forget that Zeus had a homosexual love affair with cute boy Ganymedes. He is on our side.
Billysees
We all must eventually work out our own lives as we come to know and learn and see what’s best for ourselves.
The Christian version of that is — …work out your own salvation……..Phlippians 2:12
Either way, I came to accept my gayness and have been grateful for a sexuality that satisfies.
DCguy
Religion and religious people often try to push the fake line that if you say something with a smile or soft words it is somehow different than the raging bigotry or racism it is expressing.
Going back a few years, but when that Miss America Contestant Carrie Prejean said she was against same sex marriage, people defended her by saying “I don’t see what everybody’s upset about…she said “No Offence” before she said it.”
Same thing here…WHY are they practicing “Loving Self Denal”? Because their church is full of raging foaming at the mouth homophobes who still want to attack lgbts, but know that the ex gay conversion therapies are being outlawed state by state so they came up with this B.S. designation to try to hide from those laws.
jason phillips
Thanks for this story it really resonated with something I really struggle with. I live a pretty cool life there’s just always been a feeling of lack and misunderstanding between my sexuality and my faith.
radiooutmike
This is part and parcel of conservative religions attitude about sex and gender. Being LGBTQIA+ just adds another layer of bullshit that’s dangerous to us all.