If you’re looking for “meet cutes,” best keep it moving. Gay guys have been recounting their worst-ever dates online, and their stories are enough to convince anyone into a life of confirmed bachelordom. Here are these tales of dates gone horribly awry, edited for readability.
The Bidet Gay
“Went to a ‘fifth and a friend’ party with a guy I had gone on a couple dates with. We drank way too much, stumbled back to his apartment, and spent about an hour zip-tied to one another, throwing up over the same toilet. The night peaked when he slipped and pressed his bidet and sprayed me in the face. Dated for a few more months after that. Nice guy.”
Related: Gay guys share their dating app horror stories
The Debbie Downer
“Went out with a guy, and all he did was talk about himself. I wish it was positive. He just kept bitching about life. It was very depressing.”
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The Gaudí Hater
“Went out with an architect who spent the whole time shitting on Antoni Gaudí for ‘starting a building he wouldn’t live to finish.’ (Gaudí died in a tram accident…) Basically everything [they] said was about how art/culture are supposed to be moneymakers; their whole worldview was incredibly transactional. It was an hour of nonstop complaining about people being ‘naïve’ enough to believe in higher ideals. Then they made a fuss about splitting the check. Oy.”
The Francophile
“Went on a date with a guy right after college. Super casual, didn’t find him to be dating material but wanted to hang with him. Someone called him during and he answered the phone and spoke in French with him for 25 minutes. I’m glad we decided to start the date at a park.”
Related: A shocking number of users believe they’ll find the love of their life on Grindr
The Smelly One
“Had a date to go to the movies, I picked him up at his place because he didn’t have transportation. He wore ratty old jean shorts, an old T-shirt, and a bandanna on his head. He smelled so bad, I had to put my convertible top down as soon as we got to the first traffic light to get away from the smell. Lucky it was a nice day. We did not share a popcorn.”
The Cat Owner
“We f*cked, fell asleep, [and I] woke up because I couldn’t breathe due to cats. Went to the hospital during the night, got an inhaler, went back to his place only to sleep on the kitchen floor because it was the only clean place in his house. (Edit: Referring to feline creature allergy, not Cats, the musical.)”b
ThinkPIease
I have several cats and I find this story very offensive. I change the litter boxes monthly and it does not smell bad in my apartment to me.
Raphael
People tend to get used to the smell, maybe your apartment does smell bad. You should change the litter box every 2 weeks, specially having several cats.
1898
he said it was due to a cat allergy. he didn’t say anything about odors
why are you taking offense? he didn’t say it was about you and he didn’t say it was about all cat owners. why are you taking it personally?
having said that… idk why the allergy guy went back to the cat guy’s house after leaving the hospital. that makes no sense. if i had an allergic reaction so severe that it sent me to the hospital, and it was due to allergens at someone’s house, i wouldn’t go back
i think it’s good date etiquette / hookup etiquette to tell someone ahead of time that you have cats or dogs or anything else that people are commonly allergic to
Mattster
Not sure why you are offended–are you the guy in the story?
Cat allergies have nothing to do with litterbox smell, it comes from cat hair/dander.
Dumb of someone who just had an acute allergy attack to go back to the same place, and… sleep on the kitchen floor? I guess the sex must have been REALLY good.
HDTex
I like to eat the tootsie rolls.
Cam
We get it, the other screename you stole got blocked so you’re trying to keep troling with this one.
Kangol2
“Change litter boxes monthly“??? You surely mean DAILY, right? Please say you slipped up or are joking!
garyinla
My worst date? Good looking guy, went rollerblading (back in the 90’s), and he brought along his (female) fiancee.
1898
some of my worst dates:
1) guy invited me to dinner at an expensive restaurant, he ordered the most expensive items on the menu, then gave me the classic “oops i forgot my wallet” routine. i had to pay for both of us and i never heard from him again
2) guy spends the entire date talking about libertarianism and the tea party movement
3) guy arrives for dinner and is completely plastered (apparently he started drinking several hours earlier), then he orders several more drinks during dinner and is barely coherent by the end of it
Man About Town
The guy who couldn’t breathe because of cats went to a hospital, got an inhalant, and then went BACK to the same guy’s house?? Talk about your head-scratchers!
ChrisDC
The worst date I ever had was a blind date. A (sweet but clueless) friend thought we’d get along well because we both worked in politics and government. The problem wasn’t that I’m a Democrat and he’s a Republican. It was that he was the sleaziest, slimiest person I’ve ever met in my life. (Kind of cute. Until he opened his mouth and words came out.) First of all? Closet case who’d worked for some of, and was working for one of, the most homophobic people in American politics. Second? The 93 minute dinner conversation (I started looking at my watch early on) consisted pretty much entirely of him trash talking every single person he’d ever worked for in excruciatingly personal detail. (I can’t tell you who he worked for specifically, since only one person has worked for all of those people and somebody would know who I’m talking about), but his employment history includes a U.S. Senator and a Vice President of the United States. We’re kind of at the same level, professionally speaking — except I’m out and have never worked for anybody I didn’t respect and like. Third? He was so gleeful about throwing people who taken them into their confidence under the bus. Fourth? The little sleazebag figured I’d think that was a turn on. I finally got a few words in edge-wise and asked him why he would work for people he didn’t like, and who were so anti-gay? He said it was because he’s pro-life. I suggested he get one, picked up the check, left, and there was no second date.
Flash forward a few years? I’m working as a Presidential appointee to a Cabinet Secretary, and this guy applies for a job with the Secretary who’s back I’M watching — and lists ME as a reference. This did not work out well for him.
thisismylife247
I remember some of my bad dates:
a) staring crying talking about his ex-boyfriend
b) his picture on okcupid was photoshopped. We met at an outdoor cafe and he was big – hugely obese- something he also neglected to mention in his profile. But I thought I’d give him a chance and thought it would be heartless to ditch him. During the date he farted 3, maybe 4 times and acted like nothing happened. He lived at home with his parents (of course he did) but he generously offered to blow me in a Walmart parking lot.
Troysky
As is often the case, the Queerty comments eclipse the article in interest. ….if Queerty had the balls, they would report some of the HOTTEST dates people have been on. Yeah I said it.
Cam
Why go BACK to the filthy apartment after going to the hospital. Sheesh, go home.
Tombear
My dogs and cats are much more important to me then some date with a guy with a big sholong!