Head Of American Family Association Has A Thing For Child Abduction

Hide your kids, hide your wife: Bryan Fischer, Director of Issues Analysis for the American Family Association, is on the loose.

He’s stumbled upon an absolutely marvelous plan that couldn’t possibly go wrong: child abduction! In two tweets last night, he expressed his enthusiasm for “an Underground Railroad to deliver innocent children from same-sex households.”

This is a fascinating reversal of the usual flow of dark Germanic fairy tales: normally, kids are told that if they misbehave, strangers will come in the night to carry them off. But now it’s innocent children who’ll be snatched from their homes.

Way to keep the kids on their toes, Bryan.

Exactly where this de-gaying Underground Railroad would terminate is unclear: Would the kids wind up in Canada, emancipated from their parents and free to start a homestead farm or go to work in a mill? Would they form an adorable rag-tag gang of definitely-not-gay street urchins? Would they be forced to sell their bodies, as so often happens when kids are rejected by the adults in their lives? Would they be mashed into a delicious heterosexual paste?

Each possibility is more tantalizing than the last.

Of course, the reason for this modest proposal is to protect straight people. As Fischer once said, “Do not be under any illusions about what homosexual activists will do with your freedoms and your religion if they have the opportunity. They’ll do the same thing to you that the Nazis did to their opponents in Nazi Germany.”

Well, we wouldn’t want that. Forcibly relocating people based on arbitrary characteristics? That’s just terrible.