Holy Shit! Suri Cruise Exists


After months of nay-saying, second guessing, and general cynicism, here’s at least some sort of proof that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are raising a child together. Gorgeous, no? Too bad we still have no proof that the little tyke is actually theirs.

We still suspect one of the original – and surprisingly believable – story: the baby came from L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen sperm. Regardless of her origins, she’s a cute kid. Look at that preternatural head of hair! Just gaze into those eerie, all-encompassing eyes.

Yeah, the great Shiloh/Suri showdown for Earth’s soul may be years away, but it’s good to know your enemy early. In the off-chance that Suri Cruise isn’t some demon spawn destined to lead our planet into some grotesque, dystopian future, and she’s just like any other baby, we’re sorry. Life will be tough for you, little one: your mom looks pilled out within an inch of her life, your father’s a recently unemployed nutter, and you’ve got assholes like us watching your every move. Welcome to America, honey.