Hooters for Gays: The Best Spots for Eats and Eye Candy

picture-116Now don’t get us wrong. Hooters is one of our favorite places to go for wings and oyster shooters and we’ve been to more ironic gay birthday parties at the boobs and beer joint than we care to count, but with news that Hooters is getting competition from joints like Twink Peaks and Bone Daddy’s, we have to wonder, “Where’s the gay Hooters?” Surely, there’s a market for fried chicken served by actual chicken or bison burgers served up by bears, right?

The closest thing to a gay-themed restaurant is Hamburger Mary’s, with locations in California, Colorado, Cedar Rapids, Chicago and Miami, but we have a sneaking suspicion that all the waiters are straight– I mean, why else would they turn down our repeated advances and requests for phone numbers, right? One day we’ll retire and open ‘Packages’, where dinner will be served by lads in wrestling singlets and jockstraps, but until that day, here are the best dives across the country that serve your hamburger with a side of hunk.

Los Angeles

Mark’s
Located right in West Hollywood, Mark’s serves up casual New American fare from Chef Wayne Elias (who also caters for nearby NBC Studios), but the real draw here is the waiters, and everyone knows it. Dinner is half-priced Sunday through Thursday, with Monday’s being the most popular night. The protein on display are all young actor-model types and the clientele spend a lot of their time trying to discretely crane their necks to watch the constant parade of buff guys. No need to hide it, fellows. That’s what they’re here for. 861 N. La Cienega Blvd. 310/ 652.5252

p5080067The Abbey
The coffee shop that swallowed West Hollywood, The Abbey is best known as WeHo’s ultimate stand & model martini spot, but technically, the place is a restaurant. You order from the counter, so there’s not much in the way of waitstaff, but the bartenders are universally attractive (and friendly) and the crowd is usually its own prix-fixe menu of hotness. 692 N Robertson Blvd. 310/ 289.8410

San Francisco

Cafe De La Presse
Is your dream of traveling to Paris on hold due to exchange rates and the Economic End Times? When it comes to fulfilling your dream of meeting a sexy French waiter, you need look no further than Nob Hills’ Cafe De La Presse. They’ve got the accents, the attitude and the reticence to bring you your seared foie gras on time that you’d find in Montparnasse, but you don’t need a passport to get there. 352 Grant Avenue. 415/ 398-2680

Denver

Rodizio Grill
If you enjoy the idea of being served meat on a stick by hot Latin men, you’ll love this Brazilian steakhouse located in Denver’s trendy LoDo district. The gimmick at the restaurant is that they’ll keep serving you as long as the stick they give you when you’re seated has the green end at the top. Once you’ve finished damaging your kidneys and getting your fill of man candy, turn the stick around so the red side faces up and you’ll be left to alone to digest the sensory overload.1801 Wynkoop St. 303/ 294.9277

Chicago

Tango Sur
There’s something about steakhouses that seem to attract a hot waitstaff and Tango Sur, which serves up spicy Argentinian asado in Lakeside is a case in point. It’s a BYOB joint and the weekend’s tend to be overly crowded, but if you’re looking for a place to get a reasonably-priced steak served up by a piece of meat, there’s no better spot in Chi-town.3763 N Southport Avenue. 773/ 477.5466

Miami

Planet Sushi
We are sushi fanatics and could live off of the raw stuff everyday if we could. Miami’s Planet Sushi is a reasonably-priced alternative to Nobu and the dining room features flat-panel displays that allow you to watch the sushi chefs at work, which is cute, although– if you’re serious about sushi, you always sit at the bar so you can watch the chef and talk to him as he works. Planet Sushi is the one exception to our sushi-snob rule since bar service would mean giving up on the hot waiters, who inexplicably, are Italian. 860 Washington Ave. 786/ 276.7676

New York

picture-25Elmo
How has Elmo survived where so many other New-American restaurants have failed? It all comes down to the waiters. The uniforms are perfectly tailored to show off their best assets and basically, like Hooters, they are the reason to go eat at Elmo. Honestly, we’ve always found the food at Elmo to be ho-hum, but with a great barstaff and all that man candy, you really won’t notice by the time your entree arrives. 156 7th Avenue. 212/ 337.8000

Klong
A fantastic and relatively affordable Thai spot on St. Mark’s, Klong is the spot we go to when we can’t think of where else we want to eat. The waiters are East Village hot and the pad thai and pork dumplings are some of the best we’ve ever had. The bathroom is a treat, too. You wash your hands in a little fountain and like the rest of the restaurant, its dark and subdued lighting radiates an exotic flair. 7 St. Marks Place. 212/ 505-9955