Kate Middleton’s Sister Was Probably Not In A Gay Porn Called ‘Clown Bangers: Night of the Nose’

Between James Middleton’s nakey cross-dressing pics and Pippa Middleton’s drunken bra pics, we’re loving the new royal in-laws. So when Pippa says that she once starred in an art house porno film with some “hairy old gay clowns,” we’re thinking please Please PLEASE let this be true!

“I was younger then, and though I didn’t really need the money, I certainly relished the experience. We filmed it all in a single take in a Trusthouse Forte hotel outside Cardiff. I was paid in Happy Eater vouchers and chocolate, but the real value to me are the memories. Until you’ve seen a man who is professionally known as Mr. Giggles treat another man like a puppet while raining down the love thunder upon you – well, you haven’t lived.

“One clown drove his tiny car around the bed. He was naked, except for his face make-up. Another lost a toy horn up himself. It was pure cinema and I don’t regret a thing. I am still in touch with Mr. Giggles and am proud of what we achieved,” Miss Middleton continued. “As for the rest of the cast I wish them all continued success in their careers in Whitehall and the Church.”

According to The Poke, since Pippa’s comments the underground clown porn classic Clown Bangers: Night of the Nose has since become the most downloaded video of all time (despite yielding exactly one result when Googled). The first Queerty reader to produce a copy of this excellent film will receive nothing but our lifelong admiration (and most likely freaky clown nightmares).

Also according to The Poke, Holland has entered a dildo in the Eurovision contest, and our national conga line is visible from space. USA! USA!