Santa Baby!

Let The Right Fight Over Whether Santa Is White. Here’s Why We Know He’s Gay.

santaflgNot content to be divorced just from reality, the right wing is branching out into fiction. The latest contretemps is over the question of whether Santa is white. (No points for guessing which side conservatives take.) Fox News has taken the lead in brewing this faux controversy, using a deliberately provocative post on Slate that argued Santa shouldn’t be portrayed as white.

“Jesus was a white man, too,” said Fox News host Megyn Kelly. “He was a historical figure. That’s a verifiable fact — as is Santa.” Not to be outdone, Bill O’Reilly defended Kelly, citing “historical truth” that Santa is Caucasian.

Here at Queerty, we aren’t taking sides in the debate. That’s because we know the truth about Santa. White, Latino, African-American, or Asian — it doesn’t matter.

Because Santa is gay.

Don’t believe it? Here are just a few clear signs that Father Christmas is really just Daddy to us.

His size. Would Santa be out of place on Season 2 of Where the Bears Are?  Seems like typecasting to us.

His beard. Actually, Santa has two beards. One is snowy white. The other is Mrs. Claus.

Those boots. Just the right leather touch to confirm our suspicions.

He’s surrounded by twinks. Okay, he calls them elves. We know better.

He’s every kid’s favorite uncle. He shows up once a year, bestows joy and is gone, interrupting the humdrum family existence with a shot of glamour.

About that whip. Supposedly for his reindeer. We wonder.

We could go on. (Really, what do you think sliding down your chimney is a metaphor for? And the sack full of toys? Please.) But you get the idea. So next time you hear right wingers fretting about Santa’s race, just remember what really matters. He plays for our team.