In The Fever Swamps

Let’s Call The Royal Baby Mohammad Elton John, And Other Right-Wing Lunacies

Our latest stroll through the fever swamps of the right wing finds the denizens there in rare form. Among the highlights from this week’s tour are the effort to re-name the royal baby, the endless list of disasters that homosexuality causes and the throngs in attendance of ex-gay pride.

Ken Swanson, one of those pastor types for whom radio seems to have been invented, doesn’t like the name that Prince William and the former Kate Middleton picked out for their newborn son. He thinks it should be something more reflective of the decline of civilization in England. That’s why he has his own suggestion: “Mohammad Elton John.” The Mohammad would reflect the growing Islam population in the UK. As for Elton John, that would be “talking about the other queen.” Swanson then wonders why they named the baby after George Washington, proving his intellectual bona fides just in case you were uncertain.

Did you know that gay marriage causes inflation? That’s the belief of former chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt. In an appearance on yet another right-wing radio show, Klingenschmitt enumerates all the ways we’re going to hell in a handbasket because of marriage equality. “It has de-valued by inflation our dollars in our family’s bank accounts by increasing the national debt to pay for more government benefits for gay ‘married’ couples, for which the Fed must print new dollars to pay such debt.” Just for the record, the June 2013 inflation rate is 1.8%, which is historically low. To be on the safe side, though, Klingenschmitt argues that marriage equality is also undermining national security, so he’s got his bases covered.

The threat of marriage equality is also behind street violence in Chicago. Or so Chicago pastor Erwin Lutzer thinks. In a appearance on  an American Family Association radio show (of course), Lutzer waxed rhapsodic about all the lives lost because of marriage equality. “We have such crime here in Chicago, young people being slaughtered every night, we wake up in the morning and there’s been another murder, another teenager has been killed. They said in the midst of a society that is so desperate and so high-crime ridden, do we really now need laid upon this the destruction of the family and the destruction of marriage?” Yes, it’s all the fault of marriage equality, which is legal in Illinois. Oh, wait. 

And finally, the head of the ex-gay pride outfit called Voice of the Voiceless congratulated himself on the stellar turnout at the group’s event this week. (The throngs numbered in the single digits.)  But that didn’t stop Christopher Doyle for calling it “a great day for former homosexuals in America!” Doyle admitted that “while that number may be small, we have to start somewhere.” His back-patting column was titled “One Ex-Gay Is Enough.” A more appropriate title would be “One Ex-Gay Is Too Many.”

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  • 2eo

    Every dead christian practitioner is a victory for civilisation.

  • Teleny

    Kate is very beautiful and seems like a nice girl. Wills did well. Btw: I do wish that boy would get a weave- he was do cute with his hair hanging over his forehead.

  • Kieran

    I thought the British royals named the baby in honor of George Zimmerman?

  • mozzer

    In regards, to the street violence in Chicago…that has more to do with absent “Baby Daddys” on the south side than gays. Its unfortunate that Gay marriage couldn’t even come up for a vote in my home state of Illinois. We knew downstate Illinois would vote no- its pretty much backwoods “deep south” in the rest of the state. What really killed it was many south side “Democratic” Black Christian Baptist politicians from the Chicago area that promised to vote yes along party lines and then last minute told representative Greg Harris they had to vote their conscious and their constituents “beliefs” leaving him in tears on the floor when he realized the votes weren’t there. Democrats have a solid majority in the state, it could have happened but because of this faction it was not to be. I really do believe in the near future it will pass and I can marry my partner…shame on Pastor Erwin Lutzer for jumping on this bandwagon and preaching to the ignorant and gullible.

  • scott747

    Gay marriage causes “inflation”? I would certainly hope so! Not much fun without “inflation” is my experience.

  • Triple S

    Again, what’s with the whole sentiment that evil can ONLY be right wing? Americans tend to think that it makes their argument won if they just say something is right wing. What about Stalin? He was a Communist, and killed more people than Hitler did. Does that make him an evil left wing person?

    No, it doesn’t you. You see, simple persecution and hate for each other is not dictated by how left wing or right wing one is. It’s your own failings as a person that leads to it.

  • Geoff B

    I2eo: I get why you are so angry at Christians. They pervert the message of Christ worse than any athiest. I just ask that you keep an open mind to the Christians who actually live their faith and do not judge gays but love them and work to erase bigotry. I get that most of them (the loudest) hide behind the Bible as an excuse to be hateful bigots, but there are those who also use their faith to spread love kindness and equality. I just lost my Grandmother yesterday. A good Catholic woman. She loved everyone she met. And they pretty much loved her right back. I took her out to bars and clubs and she always attracted a flock to her (gays, lesbians, drag queens, etc). She always had kind things to say and let them know even if they were ostacsized by family, friends, etc, she loved them and so did God. I know you’re angry by the heinous actions of most Christians, and so am I, but there are some good ones out there who actually live their faith. Just maybe don’t condemn them all under one big blanket. That’s all I got. Keep fighting the good fight and have a good night (day, since you’re like 6 hours ahead of me)

  • scott747

    @Triple S: You are, of course, historically correct. But we’re talking about today – i.e. 2013 – and for the time being it is the right wing – those afflicted with the Obama Hatred syndrome, let’s say who are perpetrating today’s evil. We aren’t talking history here, we are talking about evil being perpetrated on folks today.

  • Billysees

    @Geoff B: 7

    Excellent and meaningful comment.

    Good for you to share that here.

    You must live in Hawaii then.

  • Ogre Magi

    @Geoff B: You sound like a quisling

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