In The Fever Swamps

Let’s Call The Royal Baby Mohammad Elton John, And Other Right-Wing Lunacies

Our latest stroll through the fever swamps of the right wing finds the denizens there in rare form. Among the highlights from this week’s tour are the effort to re-name the royal baby, the endless list of disasters that homosexuality causes and the throngs in attendance of ex-gay pride.

Ken Swanson, one of those pastor types for whom radio seems to have been invented, doesn’t like the name that Prince William and the former Kate Middleton picked out for their newborn son. He thinks it should be something more reflective of the decline of civilization in England. That’s why he has his own suggestion: “Mohammad Elton John.” The Mohammad would reflect the growing Islam population in the UK. As for Elton John, that would be “talking about the other queen.” Swanson then wonders why they named the baby after George Washington, proving his intellectual bona fides just in case you were uncertain.

Did you know that gay marriage causes inflation? That’s the belief of former chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt. In an appearance on yet another right-wing radio show, Klingenschmitt enumerates all the ways we’re going to hell in a handbasket because of marriage equality. “It has de-valued by inflation our dollars in our family’s bank accounts by increasing the national debt to pay for more government benefits for gay ‘married’ couples, for which the Fed must print new dollars to pay such debt.” Just for the record, the June 2013 inflation rate is 1.8%, which is historically low. To be on the safe side, though, Klingenschmitt argues that marriage equality is also undermining national security, so he’s got his bases covered.

The threat of marriage equality is also behind street violence in Chicago. Or so Chicago pastor Erwin Lutzer thinks. In a appearance on  an American Family Association radio show (of course), Lutzer waxed rhapsodic about all the lives lost because of marriage equality. “We have such crime here in Chicago, young people being slaughtered every night, we wake up in the morning and there’s been another murder, another teenager has been killed. They said in the midst of a society that is so desperate and so high-crime ridden, do we really now need laid upon this the destruction of the family and the destruction of marriage?” Yes, it’s all the fault of marriage equality, which is legal in Illinois. Oh, wait. 

And finally, the head of the ex-gay pride outfit called Voice of the Voiceless congratulated himself on the stellar turnout at the group’s event this week. (The throngs numbered in the single digits.)  But that didn’t stop Christopher Doyle for calling it “a great day for former homosexuals in America!” Doyle admitted that “while that number may be small, we have to start somewhere.” His back-patting column was titled “One Ex-Gay Is Enough.” A more appropriate title would be “One Ex-Gay Is Too Many.”