A bisexual man in Chicago is having trouble balancing his attraction for men with being faithful to his wife, so he’s seeking words of wisdom from queer advice columnist Rainbow Man.
“I am a 42-year-old married bisexual guy,” the man explains. “Before marriage, I have had sex with 3 guys. After marriage, it stopped, but resurfaced. I met 3 guys later, though it wasn’t sex, it was cuddling, hugging, caressing.”
OK, so what’s the issue?
The man continues, “Even if I am not failing in any of my duties, responsibilities towards my wife, am I cheating her, though I only give in to my instincts every now and then? It happens once in a while.”
He signs the letter “Confused Man.”
In his response, Rainbow Man starts out by clearing up any myths about bisexuals, in general.
“Bisexuals are capable of complete monogamous relationships with their spouses of any gender,” he says. “And there are bisexuals who live non-monogamous relationships as well. It depends on the person himself and what he prefers.”
Now, as for the man’s guilt over “cuddling, hugging, caressing” with other dudes behind his wife’s back, Rainbow Man says honestly is probably the best policy.
“I can only tell you what I would have done if I was in your place,” he writes. “I would have informed my woman wife about my encounters after educating her slowly about sexuality and gender.”
He encourages the husband to put himself in his wife’s shoes.
“How would you react if your wife had an affair with other women or other men? Will you be accepting?” he asks. “You can’t expect women to accept things that you don’t accept the same.”
Ultimately, Rainbow Man says, the husband should come clean and tell his wife what he’s been up to. Who knows? Maybe she’ll be fine with it.
“Believe me,” he writes, “sometimes, we underestimate people’s understanding.”
What do you think? Should this guy tell his wife he’s bisexual, or is it fine to keep things on the DL? Share your thoughts on the matter below…
h/t: The Quint
The problem lies in one of four places in my opinion –
1. he is actually gay but finds it difficult to admit this for whatever reason
2. the relationship itself is in trouble and he is reaching outside for comfort
3 he is just a cheat who can’t help himself
4 he is a confused and emotionally maladjusted individual
As I don’t know this person I cannot make any assessment.
Yeah, maybe she’ll be fine with it. Or maybe she’ll divorce him, sue him for half of everything he owns and makes for the rest of his life, and make life a living hell. Because that’s what women do. Men are atm machines for most of them and the divorce laws are stacked in women’s favor. Women are vindictive and often take it as a personal insult when they find out their hubby likes the c*ck. She’s likely not going to buy the “just cuddles” side of his story either. I know I wouldn’t. And in a truly monogamous relationship even “just cuddles” is still cheating. Either way he’s potentially f*cked.
However he could at least ease into the conversation to feel his way around how she might react to the situation before just coming right out and spilling everything. It’s still no guarantee how she’ll react once she realizes she’s directly impacted by that particular scenario. Depending on the results he can make the decision to tell her, or make the decision to stay faithful to her and not go sniffing forbidden fruit. The guy’s got a choice to make and none of the options are really all that great. Best case scenario, she’s okay with it and isn’t personally offended by his mistakes. If he does nothing and continues to sneak off for the occasional leg hump from his grindr buddy then – sorry – he’s scum and deserves her wrath whenever she does catch on. Because she will eventually catch on. Sounds to me like he’s one (of the many) who thought if they got married they could “change”. That never works.
I had a girlfriend once in my early 20s, back before I had fully accepted being gay. I thought she was cool with gay people – she was a nursing student and she had plenty of gay friends. Our first “date” was at a gay bar with her friends after work no less – her idea. I wasn’t out. Had never even been to a gay bar before that. It didn’t last long however, because she got clingy real fast and started talking marriage and kids within like 2 months. So I bailed. A few years later I ran into her again. Feeling slightly guilty for never giving her an actual reason for why I ditched, I explained to her that I liked dudes. I thought she would have been cool. She was not. She flipped her shit and started accusing me of giving her aids and all sorts of crazy. So much for being cool with gay dudes. Bottom line is women are entirely unpredictable and will give you a different story depending on how directly they perceive themselves to be affected by it.
Having given some ore thought to this I think that the fact he reaches out to other men and not other women is crucial. He says there is no sex – we are all going to be sceptical of that claim – and he derives comfort from hugging. Ok that is something we all recognise – physical touch is extremely important to human beings. What is meant by ‘caressing’ though? That has a more sexual implication to it. He also seems oddly connected to gay men who come in blocks of three.
My gut feeling now is that he is probably gay – but felt under pressure to conform to heterosexual expectations from whoever in his life. The clincher for me is the fact that his deepest comfort seems to come from other men and the fact that he does not ‘cheat’ with other women.
Perhaps he needs to spend some time being honest with himself first and then his wife. If he believes that he married her for the right reasons then he should not be condemned. That is what happens in a society where gay men are pressured into conforming to polar opposite roles.
He’s bisexual. He’s reaching out to other men because he already has a woman at home so his sexual attraction to a female body is being satisfied. It’s his attraction to the male body that is not being satisfied thus he misses it and his urges resurfaced. He should tell his wife. Women love man on man action, she may enjoy a threesome with another man. Make sure it’s another bi man so all parties will have fun.
Honestly is probably the best policly.
The issue here is less of sexuality than of commitment. And I find cuddling more of a problem in that regard that simple sex, since it signals the need for an emotional connection that he is not finding with his wife. Just my two cents.
I agree salumbre – the emotional aspect is the important issue here. Whichever way you look at it – the relationship with this individual woman or his relationships with any female – he appears to gain most satisfaction from male bonding of a non sexual nature. I have no evidence to dispute his claim that the sexual aspect is secondary to the satisfaction gained through ‘hugging’. His wife is there and presumably hugs him and so on – that is not enough for him. His needs are not being met by female companionship – inside he knows that no female can provide what he needs emotionally or physically. Just because you can have sex with a woman does not necessarily make you bisexual. Relationships are not based on sex alone.
As I see it he only has one of two choices; either be faithful to her or divorce her and indulge in his true desires. In my opinion, telling her doesn’t really serve any purpose unless he’s looking to have her accept the fact that he may occasionally need sexual affection from the same sex while remaining married.
Most likely this guy isn’t really bisexual.
He is reaching out for “Comfort” to others and NOT ONCE is it with a woman. Once again an article on Queerty that seems to want to pretend the closet doesn’t exist.
A gay guy lying to and marrying a woman is a very old story, nothing new to see here.
That’s the protocol for this site (and other gay sites). Pretend that every man is being honest about who he says he is and assume that every man who’s had sex with multiple genders is bi or “fluid”. There’s apparently no such thing as being in the closet any longer. There’s no such thing as experimentation. There’s no such thing as internalized homophobia. And gay men who marry women are to be commended and sympathized with. And who people have sex and relationships with and what they identify as is never driven by self-denial/self-hate, ego, fetish or narcissism. None of these things exists in the world of these lgbt sites.
It’s hard to give any type of advice about topics like these without more details. He says he’s bisexual, but he doesn’t give details about his sexual attractions, sexual behavior or sexual instincts (which are three different things) in or outside of his marriage. He also doesn’t explain why he decided to settle down with a woman and not a man or why he needs affection from a man. He could have a variation of gender dis-morphia and receiving affection from a man makes him feel more “female” or he could be one of those narcissists who needs to “feel different people’s energy” to feed their convoluted ego
or he could be a basic closet case or he could be genuinely bi.
It’s impossible to suss these things out without being given more info and without someone being honest about their exact attractions, instincts, behavior, fetishes, sense of gender, and internal conflicts. Not enough is here to give real advice besides be honest to your wife about your behavior and who you truly are.
This guy is in a no-win situation.
The only way he should tell his wife is, if in fact, he wants to live as a fully-out/realized bisexual man. Most any woman, however normal and pro-LGBT she is, is gonna go ripshit when he tells her that he’s cuddled with other guys…
One, she is not going to believe him, she’s going to think he had sex with the men anyways.
Two, she is not going to believe him, she’s going to think he’s gay and not bisexual.
Now, maybe he has that 1 in 10,000 woman; where they can talk it out, be married and be true to themselves and each other. But mostly, likely not.
So, if he wants to deny who he is, stay married and can deal with it for rest of his life….he needs to keep that secret. Frankly, I think he needs to end the charade, weather the storm and be who he is.
I, myself, was really uncertain of my sexuality. I did some stuff with guys when I was younger, but it did not seem ‘right’. I had girlfriends and that seemed ‘right’, but I was always more aroused by guys than women– I just thought, it was another one of those ‘radiooutmike’ things that I (or was) screwed up. Nobody gave me a talk about internalized homophobia. I met a really nice girl, we fell in love, got married had some kids– I had always wanted a wife and family. After 23 years, we loved each other but really weren’t in love anymore. She wanted a divorce. We separated.
Eventually we did divorce, and in between that time. I thought long and hard about my life and what I wanted it to be like. I decided to be honest and come out myself. The week after my divorce was final, I came out to her…
The things my former bride said to me during that next week of hell were awful. Things I’d never dream she’d ever say about me, as a man and worse as a father… And this from a therapist no less.
I don’t have any empathy for these guys, they are bisexual and they want to be straight and they date and marry women. You made the choice so stop complaining and take it like a man. Forget about men and be a husband to your wife. They don’t miss men they are just GREEDY. My advice is buy your wife or girlfriend a strap-on and watch some gay porn and shut the hell up
You can’t blame the women, They married the men who were supposed to be in love with them. So NO make him suffer he need to turn the I like men Bullshit off and have sex with your wife
Good for the women, Put your foot down, make him wear a one of those ankle monitors so she can tell where he’s at, at all times. He has no right wanting to sleep with men. They are all just Greedy and should be made to go to work and straight back home. No gay porn on the computer, keep a tight leash on his behind at all time.
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