“I’m going to f*cking rape you.”
I remember every detail from that night, even after all these years. But nothing rings more clearly than those words. And yet it has taken me four years to fully speak about that night. I’m not sure why. Maybe it was fear? Uncertainty? Lord knows, I’m not alone.
In fact, research shows that 1 in 6 men have experienced sexual abuse at some point in their life. It’s also prominent in the LGBTQ community, specifically. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, LGBTQ people experience sexual violence at similar or higher rates than heterosexuals. Yes, higher.
Regardless of the facts, I will never forget that night in 2013.
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We met at a Starbucks near his house. I was new to Los Angeles, having just moved there for a dream internship. Sitting across from him over coffee, I remember thinking he was timid, with an adorably quiet Italian accent.
It didn’t take long for us to size each other up. Having chatted on Grindr the previous day, we knew where the night was headed. Within 30 minutes, he invited me back to his place. Neither of us had a car, so we ended up walking for what felt like an eternity.
As we passed darkened stores and parks and god knows what else, I told him how I was new to the area and hadn’t actually hooked up with anyone in the city yet.
“Be careful,” he told me with a smile. “Some people here are bad.”
The way he said it, I assumed it was flirty banter.
By the time we reached his house, I was literally dripping with sweat (To this day, my ability to sweat within a 3-minute period of doing anything remains my most attractive quality).
Closing the door behind us, he led me to the bedroom where we started to kiss. Immediately my legs started to shake. “Quit being so nervous,” he said, a clear hint of frustration in his voice. Something seemed off, but I let it slide.
Before long, both our clothes were on the floor as we got down to business. He entered me and started going. At first, everything seemed fine. But then, not two minutes into it, something switched. Things escalated. He got increasingly rougher, past the point of comfort.
Each thrust felt as if I was being burned and gutted at the same time. That’s the only way I can describe it. I didn’t understand. What was happening and who was this person?
“I’m going to f*cking rape you,” he declared. Any trace of the timid guy I’d met less than an hour ago was now gone. “Yeah, I’m going to fucking rape you,” he said again, no longer recognizable.
Each declaration seemed to give him more energy to go harder, faster.
I began to cry. “It hurts,” I sobbed. Tears streamed down my face. I wanted it to stop. “It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.” was all I could say as he tore inside me. But my words were useless. No matter how loud I shouted or cried, nothing appeared to register with him. He kept going, more and more aggressively.
I tried to find something–anything–to distract me from the pain. Finally, I noticed the pattern on his comforter and turned all my attention to a single white triangle in the middle of a bunch of colors. With each push he gave, I kept my eyes transfixed on that white triangle as if that single stupid shape was going to be the thing that saved me.
Please, I prayed, let this be over soon.
Eventually, he got off. Looking back, the entire ordeal probably lasted all but 15 minutes, but it felt like forever. Once he was out of me, I got dressed as fast as I could. He led me to the door without exchanging a single word.
The next morning, I wasn’t sure how to feel. I was confused and incredibly sore, in a way I never had been before. Was this normal? Was this just like, an LA thing? (Spoiler alert: it’s not.) Was this all in my head? Looking for some semblance of an answer, I sent him a message.
“Great meeting you last night! Had fun!” I wrote, even though I knew it was total BS.
To this day, I regret sending that message. I think part of me needed him to help make sense of what happened. I needed him to tell me it was all fun and games, that it wasn’t as bad as I remembered, that this was all normal… I needed him to tell me all that immense pain and tears and rape talk was all just a playful part of the experience.
He never responded and I never heard from him again.
It’s been approximately five years since that night. In that time, I’ve occasionally told some version of this story, but I often downplay the details: “OMG and then there was this one guy that kept saying he was going to rape me while he was inside me! HAHAHA what a creeper, right??? LOLZ!”
In reality, nothing about that night was funny. The whole thing feels like a huge grey area. Yes, I consented to sex with this man, but I did not consent to what that sex turned into. I had no way of knowing I would be left hurt and crying that night, or talked to in that way. Everything about it felt like a violation.
I often wonder if everything from that night could have been prevented if I’d simply told him to stop. But I guess I was afraid; I didn’t want to make the situation worse. I simply wanted it to end.
I hesitate even writing this in the wake of #MeToo. Who knows, by the time this sees the light of day, perhaps the #MeToo phenomenon will have passed. I wonder though, is my story worth sharing, in all of its unknowns and messy in-betweens?
Am I to be counted among the 1 in 6?
Am I to be counted among all the other #MeToo’s?
In a way, it feels as if I’m hijacking a hashtag not meant for me. Besides, I would rather spend my energy elevating the often-hushed and interrupted voices of my sisters, sisters who have definitely experienced worse than I have. I hate to be that person that sees injustice and then makes it all about himself. Yet, here I am, as more and more powerful #MeToo declarations from both men and women fill my timeline.
All while I go back and forth–typing then deleting–questioning, #MeToo… I think?
little Alex
I think you can definitely change your mind mid-way and you were, unfortunately, assaulted sexually. Hell, even the guy said so. So, yes, I think you certainly should use MeToo, sadly.
Prax07
Ummm…yeah…it doesn’t sound like assault at all to me. It sounds like he was just a guy into rough sex. A guy who’s already inside you going at it and says what he said is not that far fetched. I’ve heard bottoms say something similar, and I’ve heard tops say it. I was with a guy who turned out to be a very rough top once, and he said something similar to me while already in the act, and yes it was unpleasant, but it wasn’t rape or assault, just rough sex.
miserylovedme24
Exactly. This guy willingly wanted to sleep with the guy and then got annoyed that he turned out to be into more rough sex. You can say you weren’t into it but that doesn’t make it assault when you wanted him inside you to begin with.
Queerty123
Sorry, you’re both wrong. It’s legally rape.
multitasker
I get the idea of gray area as you describe it; yet allegorically speaking, torts and misdemeanors are nevertheless criminal acts, merely less than felonious. Just because I invite you over for dinner doesn’t mean you can raid my refrigerator, nor may you offend me and remain at my table. We imbue sexuality with too much taboo and sensitivity, denying ourselves and each other the latitude to interact in sexual situations with the same respect and consideration as more mundane situations.
I had a very similar experience to yours, only the guy was into BDSM (not rape) and apparently never took me seriously when I told him I wasn’t. We’d hooked up years before when I was young and less sure of what I would like (he’d been kind and gentle in “showing me the ropes”), and we continued an email friendship.
Initially our reunion was fun and friendly. As bedtime approached I thought I had been very clear about my preferences both before and during my visit. We commenced with making out, then very quickly during penetration he started holding me down and getting quite rough, to the point that I wanted to get up and leave. However, I was in shock that it had escalated so fast. I immediately blamed myself for letting it and misunderstanding his intent, though in retrospect it was more he that chose to misunderstand. He didn’t even notice when I’d “left the room” by mentally retreating—he just kept screwing the dead fish beneath him. Approaching the age of thirty, I was a big guy, fit, and entirely capable of destroying him without trying; but there I was BEING hurt and afraid that I’d physically hurt HIM should I snap (fear of my own temper, another way to blame myself instead of him). So I withdrew from my body only to feel stupid, weak, foolish, sore, socially incompetent, and possibly infected with something despite having started out with a condom. I certainly felt like he was at fault; but I felt guilty like it was all mine. I never had any contact whatsoever with him again thereafter, not even to ask if he’d removed the condom.
Somewhere in there it became rape. It stopped being consensual and became unwilling submission. There was a ton of different baggage we each brought to the situation: gender role education, or lack thereof, chief among them. The myriad mechanisms at play could easily fill multiple social psychology books, so I won’t go there at the moment. However we ALL need to go there if we want to change our culture to be less harmful. As much as we’ve evolved, we still train our children to be rapists in both broad and literal senses.
Yeah, there is a gray area. It’s my guess that the majority of rapes are in the gray area, not easily defined as obviously and intentionally rape in the classic sense: date rape in all it’s variations; marital rape; coercive rape (power dynamics, e.g. professional). I’d argue that sexual harassment is ATTEMPTED rape.
Donston
A lot of these dudes who commit acts like these on other men have little to no genuine attraction to and passion and desire for men. It’s mostly about domination and power. However, many of the gay and gay-leaning guys who do things like this have dealt with past abuse themselves and have not had a healthy maturation and/or they contend with shame and internalized homophobia and a frazzled ego and a poor image of fellow homos or all men. The results of these different things can show themselves in many ways, but one of those ways is sometimes not being able to connect with men sexually (or romantically) without kink being involved. And that “kink” can sometimes transform into flat-out violence or the desire for violence.
When you/if you indulge random hook-ups you have to be very straight-forward about the type of sex you’re into. I would tell that to anyone. And indeed, once someone says stop, once there is crying and an obvious sign of resistance, it’s rape. Period.
These types of things, along with other reasons, is why I’ve always just avoided hooking up with randoms (with a couple exceptions) and only spent a half a year of my life being a legit party-er.
Heywood Jablowme
“Great meeting you last night! Had fun!” Yeah, that was not a good idea.
In my experience, anal sex ALWAYS hurts like hell anyway (even if the idea is appealing), so I have to admit this encounter wouldn’t have seemed at all unusual to me in my 20s. The Italian accent sounds hot though.
Tell the truth, “Anonymous”: in the years since, have you ever beat off thinking about this incident? I bet I can guess the real answer.
Donston
It’s actually not unusual for people who have experienced assault, abuse or rape to latter fantasize and mentally re-construct the events. The movie “Elle” did a great job at showing how people who experience these things subconsciously process it and how it effects many different aspect of their lives and decision-making in surprising ways.
You sound like an unsympathetic a-hole here BTW.
Heywood Jablowme
@Donston: Ah, Donston, the self-appointed expert on everything sexual. As you say yourself, above, situations like this are unfortunately a hazard of random hook-ups. (This is not necessarily a puritanical criticism. As discussed in a nearby comment thread, a bathhouse situation is actually much safer than going home with someone you just met.)
At least Anonymous was smart enough to meet him in a public place first (Starbucks). But he says, “It didn’t take long for us to size each other up.” Um, no. Looks like the other guy sized HIM up, while Anonymous was totally clueless.
Donston
Uh-huh, dude. It doesn’t make you any less of a man to show sympathy and look at things from every perspective. When someone is clearly being honest about a situation and opening up (and doesn’t just seem to be looking for sympathy or attention) it’s just the right thing to do. Being snarky and dismissive towards everything doesn’t do anything for anyone except allow you to indulge a bitter streak.
And I’m not a self-appointed anything. Most of the stuff I say is easily accessible and common knowledge to anyone who truly wants that knowledge. It’s funny how topics like these never get many comments, and half of the comments tend to be, “whatever”.
Heywood Jablowme
So if he’s NOT “looking for sympathy,” why do you keep demanding that I be sympathetic? 🙂
Why do you even assume I AM unsympathetic? As I already said I can identify somewhat. But what is he trying to accomplish by “hijacking” (his own word) #MeToo, which is an entirely different phenomenon? (Which at the same time he’s weirdly dismissive of: “Who knows, by the time this sees the light of day, perhaps the #MeToo phenomenon will have passed.” Nope.)
It’s natural to be a bit “snarky” about someone who writes a dozen paragraphs that are variations of “Why the heck am I writing this? I’m not sure.”
miserylovedme24
You met up with a guy for the sole purpose of sex, willingly had him slide inside you, and somehow you want to twist that into being sexually assaulted? Really? This is why people that have actually been assaulted and raped don’t speak out, because people like this willingly sleep with someone and then decide to say they “didn’t like it.”
Queerty123
Consent can be withdrawn at any time. When it switched to hurting he withdrew consent. This is rape.
Heywood Jablowme
So if he’s NOT “looking for sympathy,” why do you keep demanding that I be sympathetic? 🙂
Why do you even assume I AM unsympathetic? As I already said I can identify somewhat. But what is he trying to accomplish by “hijacking” (his own word) #MeToo, which is an entirely different phenomenon? (Which at the same time he’s weirdly dismissive of: “Who knows, by the time this sees the light of day, perhaps the #MeToo phenomenon will have passed.” Nope.)
It’s natural to be a bit “snarky” about someone who writes a dozen paragraphs that are variations of “Why the heck am I writing this? I’m not sure.”
Heywood Jablowme
Sorry, that was addressed to @Donston above!
Pistolo
Had a similar experience. I was basically raped but continued on sleeping with this person consensually, instigating it, even. It was self-harm of the worst kind. My initial victimization seems like not enough to claim when I take into account my stupid self-abuse afterwards. Legally, it was rape that initial time but it doesn’t matter anymore.
Queerty123
Sorry, this is NOT a gray area. This is rape.
Those of you condoning the rapist’s behaviour need to learn about consent. http://www.consentiseverything.com
I am very sorry for your experience, Anonymous. These readers’ reaction is part of what makes it so hard for men to come forward about sexual assault. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist or survivor’s support group for appropriate support because these commentors do not know what they are talking about and listening to them invalidate your experience will do more harm than good.
Wishing you all the best.
Evji108
The rules of engagement in hookups mean that you have got to learn to take care of yourself in a sticky situation. If the sex is going off the rails, you have to assert your will by demanding an end to what’s doing on, and/or physically shoving your partner off. Then beat a hasty retreat. He tried nothing of the sort by his own account.
What possessed him to then spend the night with this guy? After bad sex of whatever type one gets OUT, I don’t care how far you have to walk.
This guy even sent a “I had fun” text afterwards. Why in the world did he do that.? Instead of blaming his trick for the rough sex experience, he needs to ask himself why he can not communicate his needs, set normal boundaries and exercise a modicum of self preservation.