It’s a downlow, derriere dirty shame the Mormon Church does not have its own television-radio-web-iPhone-brain implant simulcast, because they really are depriving the world of a particular brand of Jesus-based comedy. For instance, church elder Bruce Hafen just got done on Saturday telling attendees of Evergreen International’s annual conference that same-sex attraction isn’t something to get hung up on. You can recover!
Evergreen, you’ll recall, is an organization dedicated to ridding Mormons of their gayness. And over the weekend, the 20-year-old organization had its yearly sleepover schingdig, which we’re assured is not a giant orgy for ex-gays.
So Hafen, a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy (that’s a big deal inside LDS), was on hand to tell conference-goers how they could “overcome homosexual behavior.” Step 1, it turns out, does not include “Stop putting your penis in another man’s anus.” Whatever, he’s the expert.
So what did Hafen have to share with the gays trying to reconcile their gayness and belonging to the anti-gay Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? Namely, that being gay is “not in your DNA” (it is); that homosexuality should still be considered a mental disorder (it shouldn’t); that therapy can make you straight (it can’t); and that “if you are faithful, on resurrection morning — and maybe even before then — you will rise with normal attractions for the opposite sex” (highly doubtful, but we’ll never question the power of prayer, or Rohypnol).
“You are not simply a child of God. You are a son or a daughter of God, with all the masculine or feminine connotations of those words,” Hafen, former dean of BYU’s law school, told the crowd, forgetting that he, himself, has gay face. Or at the very least, feminine features. And also: “”Sometimes that [same-sex] attraction may make you feel sinful, even though the attraction alone is not a sin if you do not act on it. Sometimes you may feel frustration or anger or simply a deep sadness about yourself. But as hard as same-gender attraction is … it does not mean your nature is flawed. Whenever the adversary [i.e. the devil] tries to convince you that you are hopelessly ‘that way,’ so that acting out your feelings is inevitable, he is lying.”
Actually, Hafen is lying. Not only is it (practically) inevitable, it also feels great!
And then there was his whole attack on gay marriage, and how, because most Americans support marriage equality, the LDS church is outside the mainstream. Yes, they are the underdogs! The victims!
Plus the requisite misinformation about how only children from heterosexual marriages are healthy.
All that was missing was a 10-gallon jug of Pjur lube and Amanda Lepore.