New Plan For Winning Marriage Equality: Annoy People With Tacky Accessories

Because the real measure of whether something is a real cause or not is whether there’s a ribbon and/or jelly bracelet attached to it, a bunch of enterprising gays have come up with our very own marriage equality thingamajig: The white knot.

As some have already pointed out, the white knot is horribly irredeemably racist, being white and all. Curse you race-baiting marriage equality knot! Besides, it’s confusing. Does the knot symbolize the union of marriage? Is it a pun on the phrase “Why Not?” Does it represent the thorny, knotted nature of the issue or just the fact that married people get bored of sex and ultimately wind up experimenting with bondage?

Who knows? Who cares? All we know is that the one thing the world does not need more of is annoying self-righteous political fashion accessories.

The idea was inventive thirty years ago when it was first used to show support for AIDS victims, but since then it’s been appropriated by every single last cause in the universe, turning a once powerful statement into an easy way to know who to avoid at cocktail parties.

Did you know that the color white on a ribbon can symbolize adoption, Alzheimer’s disease, bone disease and bone cancer, child exploitation and abuse, diabetes, free Speech, innocence, Multiple Sclerosis, peace, poverty awareness, purity, student sexual assault or victims of terrorism? Well you will, knot-wearers, once someone comes up to you and congratulates you on your support for allowing outspoken, adopted, very, very sick, virgins who’ve been sexually abused by terrorists the right to get hitched. Or you know, kinky.

The site already has blog badges, flyers and a Facebook group, so it’s too late to stop the ribboned masses from smugly showing that they care. Soon we’ll be seeing Rachel Zoe pinning diamond cloisonné white knots onto Debra Messing’s Oscar dress– but we’re not happy about it. I’m afraid not.