Which Drag Racer Attacked Another During The Exercise Video Elimination?

When I mentioned how much I love RuPaul’s Drag Race for its racial and trans inclusion (I still think some of the competitors might be trans), a gender-studies scholar buddy of mine said, “[The show] represents a certain type of transgender class. They’re not getting people who are too out there; the contestants are all kinda beautiful and feminine and doing a particular kind of drag. For the most part, these contestants are slender and work hard to be attractive and pass; there’s a real emphasis in realness. Where’s the room for generfuckers, bisexuals, or drag kings who don’t fit a certain template of representation? What if I don’t want to pass for one gender or another?”

Well, it makes sense that Ru would want to fashion all her contestants in her mold. From what I hear LOGO has thrown all its production dollars into this show, so by ensuring commercial viability from the winner, both Ru and LOGO can cash out on the newly crowned Drag Race queen and use her to promote all sorts of ch-ching!

But anyway… the fellas over at GuyTVBlog have been buzzing about which racers will sashay away next, but we have our own theories about who will stay and who will “F*@K it up.”

IN PERIL: Mimi Imfurst has got to go; girl has been drama shrieking and crying and camping it up through the last two weeks. And Carmen has got to stop depending on her excellent body to get past the runway show and start pulling out some serious flair!

SAFE FOR NOW: Raja has totally rocked both weeks so far and last week Manila’s space monkey routine from last week shows that she is bananas enough to stick around for at least a few weeks more!

So to recap: the first week had the racers creating Christmas couture with ex-competitor Shangela brought back into the mix. Venus got the boot for her underwhelming concoction. Then last week the ladies had to create a sci-fi look while acting in a trailer for Drag Queens In Outer Space: From Earth to Uranus. For his stoic acting and ripped-off Lady Gaga lip-synch, Phoenix fell back to earth. Now this week, the ladies must make a workout video. Are you ready to sweat?

9:00 PM – The winner of Ru-Paul’s Drag Race will win more makeup and vodka than can possibly be consumed in an entire lifetime. Mimi starts the drama again by talking to a very disinterested Delta about how she deserves to win. Then in comes RuPaul’s she-mail saying that this time the girls are gonna have to duct tape themselves into makeshift leotards. Mimi demands that she, Delta, and Stacy should form a big girl team, much to Delta’s displeasure.

9:05 PM – The big girls go down in flames, but Manila and Carmen win the challenge with a lime and lemon trim leotard with duct tape iPods, complete with fake white earbuds. Then the two groups Manila and Carmen choose their groups and have to create their own look and workout tape: theme, exercises, and all. Suggested names for their video: TRANSform or From Flab to Fierce. As usual, everyone wants Mimi to shut it when she suggests that she can dress up like an aging old queen. Oh hurney, nooo.

9:10 PM – Commercial: A closety, leisure-suited white guy from Orbitz hates dance music, drinking, and speedo-clad studs. So he opts for a more boring vacation—Orbitz: for all your boring vacation needs. Also, this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday wants you to continue your lonely quest by disemboweling yourself on their website. After this weekend, you’ll have to pay for humiliation just like everyone else.

9:12 PM – Delta weighs 350 pounds and gets fan mail commenting on how much of an ugly pig she is, which really makes her confident for this physical challenge (oh wait, no it doesn’t). Ru comes in to check in on her endorphin-junkies. Delta shows how to work a shake weight like you’re chowing down on a big chorizo. The second group fakes their way through a bunch of nonexist exercises while Ru looks on doubtfully.

9:18 PM – Commercials: Nothing says lesbian desire like a huge snake crawling over a naked woman—POM FAIL. Dove depicts the effects of deoderant the same way that Requiem for a Dream depicts the effects of cocaine—with wide pupils, increased bloodflow, and twitching. Next, a black dude bosses his white servant around Las Vegas… then they switch roles. It’s kinda like Fight Club except with infinitely more
consumerism. And lastly, kids love drinking orange paint. Didn’t you know? If they resist, force ’em to drink that shit. The Ad Council knows best!

9:23 PM – Team Manila meets with fitness guru Susan “Stop the Madness” Powter who tells Alexis to act like a helium delirious jalepeno—she obliges. Raja comes up with a deep man-voice and tells the audience to violently hump a blow up ball—it’s quite violent. Mimi shrieks while wrangling her group in jump ropes and hopping in high heels. Can you say lawsuit from all the injured viewers at home.

9:27 PM – I so want to sleep with the hairy crew pit member. Carmen does a really hookery dip and swish move. India does an underwhelming bicep curl. Mariah doesn’t bring it, even when handling blue balls. But Delta brings it with the shake weight, delivering some insane handjob moves that would get any guy to break up with you and press charges.

9:31 PM – Commercial: Key West – a place where queers treat you like family… as long as you have lots and lots of money… and weigh less than 180 pounds… and can get time off of work… and aren’t disabled.

9:34 PM – Now the ladies are back in the workroom and have to put together a outfit that shows off their best assets. Carmen decides not to fall back on her body to win this challenge. It turns out that India’s biological family kicked him out of the house, but his brother is gay and is the one who gave him his drag name. Stacy feels intimidated by some of the racer’s big attitudes, but she’s got some big attitude herself.

9:36 PM – Latoya Jackson is the guest judge! Raja looks like a MILF/cougar in a skinny robe showing off her legs. Manila comes in looking like a sexy Cruella DeVille. Stacy Raye wears a mumu. India shows off her X-ed titties in a Burlesque horse show hat and see-through corset. Carmen shows off her hips in a brilliant bejeweled dress. Mimi comes in all leopard Bette Midler gown style. Shagela comes in wearing a floor-length robe which she drops to work some Kardashian chic in a short dress. Delta looks like a John Waters-Prascilla Presley hybrid. Carmen comes in dressed like a mirror ball.

9:43 PM – Commercial: Vaseline men’s hand cream won’t slide down a greasy pole. Translation: makes a horrible lube.

9:44 PM – Commercial: Just three granules of lead can turn your kid into a superhero!

9:45 PM – Stacy Mimi, Yara, India, Alexis, and Mariah all step forward to represent the best and worst. Everyone else is safe!

Alexis sparkles with her Hollywood shine. Mimi’s comedy sketch didn’t work… like Divine meets Sally Struthers. Susan Powter calls it “hokey.” Stacy rocks her dress and by eating chicken she made the judges laugh. India has an awesome costume, but her video sucked. Yara made her accent work for her as a spicy hot fitness instructor. Mariah used gay cruise humor and swear words, though they did like her caped, chocolate ensemble.

9:54 PM – Yara is safe. Alexis wins the challenge and a $2,500 gift certificate to India’s look was too much and her performance was too little—she is up for elimination. Stacey is safe for now, but the judges want her to bring it. Mariah is a bronze beauty, but her workout performance was pale. Mimi has runway glamour, but her video slapstick got sloppy. So it’s Mimi and India lip-syching for their lives! I hope Mimi gets the boot!

9:56 PM – Something tells me Mimi’s gonna get physical. She lifts up India in some sort of wrestling move during the lip-synch and she’s TOAST. “Drag is not a contact sport,” RuPaul tells Mimi, which pleases us because while she may be good in NYC, she certainly lacked nationwide.

10:00 PM – Chloe Sevigny and her tragic flopsy hair will guest judge next week. No really. Can a guest judge be eliminated?