RAIN CHECKS

Rapture Rescheduled To Oct. 21. Bad Math (Not Gays) To Blame For World NOT Ending

Harold Camping, the delightful old codger who predicted this weekend’s gay-pocalypse says he was “flabbergasted” that the rapture did not take him—so are we; well, not flabbergasted so much as disappointed. Despite his million dollar campaign and amazing “biblical math” predicting the end of the world, nothing of any remote interest happened this weekend, not even on TV.

But worry not, believers! Camping adds that Jesus did return this last weekend, only in an invisible spiritual form detectable by no one except himself. And if anyone feels depressed about all these evangelicals still hanging around (pictures here), they should simply mark their calendars for October 21st, the day that God will skip the rapture and go straight for global annihilation! Fun!

Nevermind that Camping has been wrong twice now—third time’s a charm! We assume homosexuals will still be the cause… or earthquakes. Camping hasn’t said said which, though he promises it’ll be quick, thank God.

See you all on October 22nd! IN HELL!!! 7th circle, 3rd sub-section. We’ll be the ones with the flaming snow raining down on us. Ooh! And wrestlers will be there… maybe Randy “Macho Man” Savage will even help us all snap into a Slim Jim! Par-tay!