feeding the press

Robert Pattinson’s Vagina ‘Allergy’ Does Not Make Him Gay, So Stop

Yes, by now we all know that Twilight‘s Robert Pattinson told Details magazine about his “allergy” to vaginas. But this is not, as some blogs theorize, an admission that perhaps he’s less than straight. It is a tried and true marketing tactic that lets celebrity “brands” reach the “gay demographic” without “abandoning core audiences.”

(The video here is potentially NSFW, because there are boobies.)

This is what Robert (or Bob, as real friends call him) said: “I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hungover.”

No, this is not Pattinson saying he’s gay. It’s not Pattinson saying that he hates pussy, either. It is a pullquote used to generate headlines.

Consider the source. It’s Details magazine, people! If ever there was a magazine devoted to letting gay men fantasize about heterosexuals, this is it. By the way Robert’s remarks are included in the article (“He tried to let go a little bit with the photo shoot accompanying this interview—it wasn’t easy,” writes reporter Jenny Lumet), it doesn’t seem like it was crafted by a publicist. But you get a star talking about private parts, and yes, it’s worth printing.

He is dating a vagina. Her name is Kristen Stewart, and she is his Twilight co-star. Yes, this immediately makes us skeptics think they’re in a fauxmance to promote the movie, but Robert cannot be allergic to vaginas, or at least to boobs, because Stewart is the biggest boob of that franchise. And her vagina looks like it has teeth, for fuck’s sake.

Nobody is allergic to vaginas. If you believe The Google, you will understand that Robert cannot physiologically be banned from the arena of vaginas by some disorder that makes his throat close up. Or his penis shrivel.

Celebrities say sexual things they don’t mean. Robert still has to keep the tween audience in check, so it might be wise to not discuss the penetration of vaginas, but he isn’t the first, and won’t be the last actor type to discuss sexual things in a press interview. This is why Channing Tatum can talk about his (scalded) penis without turning off his young moviegoing audience, but still titillate the moms (and The Gays). Robert has been part of the Hollywood machine for long enough to know that saying something about vaginas will, absolutely, get picked up and used to titillate readers into purchasing the magazine. But that doesn’t mean he is, at all, turned off by vaginas. It’s part of his image: This sort of cute-but-uncomfortable guy who, while not entirely comfortable with sex, isn’t at all confused about his sexuality. That’s for Zac Efron.