RuPaul’s Drag Race Recap: You Have the Right To Remain Dressed In Beaver

When  the girls are selecting partners, Willam learns a valuable lesson about karma: Yep, she’s stuck with Madame LaQueer. But Willam doesn’t let this stop her from executing a dye-pack concept that leaves the two covered in blue paint—and victorious. The reward? Team captains!

For the main challenge, Ru tells the girls that they’ll be playing parts in the new sitcom Hot in Tuckahoe. Hmm. I appreciate a nod to anything with Betty White, but a little bird named Wikipedia told me that TV Land and Logo are both owned by Viacom.

Vague cross-promotions are so fun!

Anyway, Willam is confident because acting in sitcoms is, like, her day job. Milan is confident because of her degree in acting. And Latrice is confident because, well, she’s been to prison. My money is on the school of hard knocks. The prep scenes show LaQueer trying out accents that are even more incomprehensible that her real one and Jiggly learning SAT words like “horticulture.” (I hope she knows that it has nothing to do with hos.)

For the filming, Ru and Max Mutchnick (co-creator of Will & Grace) watch as the two teams act their way through their “women”-in-prison scenarios.

For Willam’s group, Latrice proves that she has more talent in her head bob than any BFA could offer. On LaQueer’s team, Kenya Michaels appears to be acting in a one-woman show and Sharon Needles struggles over and over—and over—with the line, “dressed in beaver.”

And then she got snippy about it.

But these are just details leading up to the fight I’ve been waiting for all season. Yes, after watching all of those promos, the time is finally here. It’s Sharon vs. Phi Phi in “Party City/Tired Showgirl Bitch-Off 2012.”

Here’s what happens:

* Sharon Needles, feeling guilty for saying that Phi Phi O’Hara had no leadership in the last challenge, goes over to apologize.

* Phi Phi gets angry. Phi Phi tries takes credit for Sharon’s win. Phi Phi claims to be such a great leader for telling Sharon to dig up her gothic look.

* Sharon defends herself, stating that it’s her talent that earned her last week’s win.

* Phi Phi, who has yet to win a main challenge, claims to be on another level than Sharon.

* Sharon retorts: “Tired-ass show girl.”

* Phi Phi is not having it: “At least I am a showgirl, bitch! Go back to Party City, where you belong.”

* Yelling! Sharon says she’s the future of drag! More yelling!

* “Oh girl, please,” sighs Phi Phi.

* Then they both angrily put on makeup.

* Dramatic sound effects and… commercial.

(Important Twitter side note: Party City loves Sharon Needles.)

Well, that’s a tough act to follow, so off to the main stage where we meet our second guest judge, Nicole Sullivan of Mad TV fame. Sullivan channels The Vancome Lady in describing RuPaul’s makeup as looking, “like little orphan Annie sat in the sun too long and got a boob job.”

Here are highlights and memorable quotes from the Hollywood/red-carpet challenge:

* Willam wears Vivienne Westwood and makes sure to tell us all about it.

*  “I think Latrice has a Cable ACE Award up her sleeve—or she’s just happy to see you.”

* Chad Michaels tries to channel the Tudors. But with such a bright red wig, she looks more like Florence + the Machine.

* Jiggly dresses for the Brooklyn prom. (I’m just glad there isn’t a lollipop).

* RuPaul says, “London. Paris. Milan.” again. I know there’s not much else to say about Milan, but could we stop repeating this line?

They play back the sitcom videos, and it’s hardly a contest—calling LaQueer’s sketch a train wreck would have been an insult to train wrecks. But this is what happens when you cast the tiny Puerto Rican as the butch prison guard and have LaQueer attempt a British accent. Willam’s team puts out a nice little bit, and even with Latrice’s fierceness, DiDa Ritz manages to shine.

Unsurprisingly Willam’s team is deemed the winner, with the individual award going to… Latrice Royale! Much deserved. Girl is officially in the game (and she gets a free cruise). Werk.