THE WITCHING HOUR

Satanic Temple Makes Deceased Westboro Baptists “Gay Forever” In Pink Mass Ceremony

Screen Shot 2013-07-20 at 1.08.09 PMMembers of the Westboro Baptist “Church” got a taste of their own crazy medicine this week as a New York-based Satanic Temple performed a “Pink Mass” ceremony at the Mississippi gravesite of Catherine Johnston, WBC founder Fred Phelps’ mother. The group claims their actions, under the power of a horned Satanic priest, have cast an irreversible spell that has made Ms. Johnston “gay forever.” Mwahaha.

Based on the Mormon practice of postmortem baptism, the unique Pink Mass ceremony took place twice last Sunday. Two same-sex couples—one male and one female—each kissed and “expressed their love” at the gravesite before the Sanderson sisters a high priest, who recited an incantation. The group now claims that every time a same-sex couple kisses at the gravesite, the now-gay Ms. Johnston will be pleasured in the afterlife.

“We believe that Fred Phelps is obligated to believe that his mother is now gay in the afterlife,” said Temple spokesman Lucien Greaves. “Further, if beliefs are inviolable rights, nobody has the right to challenge our right to believe that Fred Phelps believes that his mother is now gay.”

To further itch under the WBC’s skin, the group has vowed to perform similar ceremonies at the final resting places of Phelps’ mother and other extended family members “each time [the Church] picket funerals or applaud horrific terrorist actions, as they are known to do.”

Best of all, the Temple hopes their stunt will raise enough money to fund their ultimate dream: Participating in New York City DOT’s Adopt-A-Highway Program. Excess funds will be used to throw an incredible Teen Witch dance party.