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They say they want to spice things up in the bedroom, but they’re both too shy

A gay man in his 30s says he and his boyfriend have hit a roadblock in their sex life and they haven’t figured out how to get over it, so he’s seeking advice from sex columnist Stoya over at Slate.

“My boyfriend and I have been together through most of our 20s and now into our 30s,” the man’s letter begins, “and our sex life has been solid and satisfying for the most part.”

The couple recently began talking about opening up their relationship, but they have yet to actually act on it.

“I think we are both just not hugely sex-driven,” he continues. “However, over the years, we have obliquely realized that we both get the most enjoyment (and best orgasms) from masturbation, usually with the aid of porn.”

“Recently, I started to think about him masturbating while I do, and watching videos of couples masturbating together, and that’s made me want to try it with him. I told him and he was down to try. I realize this sounds silly for two people who have been together almost a decade, but we did try, and found that we couldn’t really do it—we were both embarrassed to turn on the porn we like, and he couldn’t even get hard at first.”

So, he says, they “ended up just having sex instead to cut the awkwardness.” But watching porn together is still an activity he would like to try, despite their first failed attempt.

“I think it might take our sex life to a new level,” he says. But, he wonders, “How do we push past our shyness, both about the physical act and about sharing the porn we like?”

In her response, Stoya suggests the guys do an assessment of their sex life together up until now.

“What was the last thing that felt comfortable? Was it talking about masturbation with your boyfriend? Was it thinking about talking with him? Whatever that point is, go back to it and hang out for a while.”

Once they are back in that familiar place, Stoya’s next piece of advice: advance things slowly.

“Try texting from separate rooms or speaking verbally with the lights off. Send each other links to what you like when you’re apart. Progress to the point where you’re both comfortable sharing verbally while maintaining eye contact.”


She continues, “Keep that relaxed and steady pace as things get more physical. Take your clothes off slowly; touch yourselves slowly; give yourself permission to orgasm and to stay at the plateau phase. Take your time. Be gentle with each other.”

What do you think of Stoya’s advice? What would you suggest the guys try instead? Sound off in the comments section below…