husbands in hiding

Scorned Woman’s Book Warns Others: Beards Aren’t Just For Hiding Sexuality

He grew a beard about a year before I learned that he was gay. I didn’t like it or understand it. But if a man grows a beard, you don’t think he’s gay. In retrospect, I found out that he was taking pictures of his beard and sending them to other men.

—Kiri Blakeley, a Forbes magazine writer who ended a 10-year relationship with her fiance after he came out to her in 2006 before their wedding, says there were no obvious red flags. Besides the lack of sex:

We would have sex only once every couple of months. One time we went eight months without it. But we had been together 10 years. I know a couple right now who just had a baby and have not had sex in over a year. We even went to therapy about it. He would sit there and say, ‘Oh, I’m tired,’ or ‘Yeah, we gotta work on this.’ He never piped up and said, ‘It’s because I like men!’

Blakeley’s book Can’t Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love comes out today.


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  • Tallskin

    Is this once again the malign effect of religion on the psyche and self worth of gay men?

  • Daez

    @Tallskin: I honestly do think a lot of it is religion. The rest of it is culture in general. Another aspect is most likely that some men want to have children and don’t see another way to to do it.

    I really think that this is mostly left over from bygone days. In the 1950s-1970s, marriage was such a part of the culture that you either got married or you really were seen as an outcast (even if you weren’t gay). You couldn’t be seen as an outcast and succeed in business, so if you wanted to make something of yourself you got married. A few men broke this trend, but not merely as many as do so today.

  • Mr. Enemabag Jones

    How long before Hollywood makes a gaybaiting movie about this “brave” woman’s journey?

  • alan brickman

    Beards are suppose to man you up…and hide alot of weak chins and gayface…no wonder so many closet cases are growing them…

  • Kiri

    Thanks for blogging about my book!


    Hmmmm interesting, Tom Cruise has been photographed with beards for years now, despite never having any facial hair……. :p

  • Kiri

    @Mr. Enemabag Jones: Well I hope they do, because if they follow the book, it will shatter many gay stereotypes.

  • SteveC

    The guy in question here is a coward for staying in the closet so long.

    The woman in question here is possibly a fool.

    She says there were no red flags?


    8 months without sex doesn’t count as a red flag?

    On what planet?

  • Kiri

    @SteveC: You are right, but we’d been together ten years, and we’d had two major tragedies that year, including the death of my young niece, and I wans’t feeling sexual either. I know better now. If there’s no sex for awhile something is very very wrong– maybe not gay wrong, but wrong.

  • Obama DID say DADT would happen on his watch... (John From England)


    Your living in a good but very different era from the rest of us.

    I see it ALL the time. If a man is what a woman wants, she wi do what she has to do get him, even if he want always sleep with her.

    THEY know but don’t care and thinks they can change him. It’s a female thing. And when he WONT change because he IS that gay guy you liked, they go ape shit.

    Read gawker dating, a lot of the gays their are really cute and damn, aren’t those females angry.

  • Marcus M.

    Wait, are we talking about actual beards here? I hope so. I love a man with a beard. If only I could grow one that wasn’t wispy myself.

  • Toby


    Much easier said when all high and mighty on an internet comment page…

    A completely different story in real life. People are human, give them a break.

  • slobone

    Contrary to current gay dogma, not all gay men are born knowing they’re gay. Some take a long time (like decades) to figure it out.

    And guess what, people’s sexuality can change. I’ve known guys who started out straight and then went gay, and vice versa. And I’ll bet a lot of you do too…

  • Jeffree

    I doubt I’m the only one who feels this way: Any gay man who leads a woman on just so he can prete.nd to be str8 is a dang fooool. Just because a guy can’t deal with his own “issues” doesn’t mean he should lead a woman on.

    I hope you’ve found a great str8 man! Who will play you in the movie? I vote for Julianne Moore [I may have spelled that wrong].

  • jackieohboy

    Am I the only one who finds the whole “taking pictures of his beard to send to other men” just bizarre? I mean what does facial hair have to do with being gay or not? There are tons of gay men and tons of straight men with beards. It just seems like an odd/dumb thing to include.

    Also “I know a couple who just had a baby and haven’t had sex in over a year”. Well they haven’t had sex with eachother, but the wife certainly had sex about 9 months ago.

  • Shawneeboy

    Well, that’s funny, Jack-Oh but the baby could be a year old or so, so it’s not impossible.

    No one has any right to judge him or her. She wrote a book and made some fame and money, possibly, but I don’t see any reason to call either one the villain.

    I don’t understand about the pics of his beard being sent to other gay men, either! What’s that about?

    Anyway, if he hadn’t had to deal with people’s disapproval (still) of gays, he wouldn’t have had to put up a front. And maybe he thought he’d change once he got married.

  • Daez

    @alan brickman: I’m not necessarily a closet case, but I do detest my “gay face” and the beard does help a little. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels like this.

  • Daez

    @SteveC: I know your nightly cruise fests leave you thinking sex should happen nightly, but for many people in actual relationships, the contact evolves past getting your rocks off daily.

  • Daez

    @Jeffree: I agree about leading a woman on being wrong, but I have more sympathy for guys who come out to the woman at the beginning of the relationship. The “not gay for pay” ability to pass to further your career is a huge motivation.

  • Kiri

    @Shawneeboy: Hey, I was hoping you guys could explain it to me. :) But yes, the beard pix were specifically to send to other men, who were sending back pix of their beards. Well, whatever.

  • cele

    Did he ever confess to an affair?

  • scribe

    @Kiri: sorry that your man wasn’t honest with you from the beginning. I wish you the best, and hope that you find love in your life

  • Hilarious

    Ironically there’s not one mention of this being a “down low” story or any comments about race.

    Love to see parallel stories like these and how vastly both the article and comments vary.

  • MM

    “Contrary to current gay dogma, not all gay men are born knowing they’re gay. Some take a long time (like decades) to figure it out.”

    Please, guys who jerk off thinking about other guys know they are gay.

    “And guess what, people’s sexuality can change. I’ve known guys who started out straight and then went gay, and vice versa.”

    That’s a lie.

Comments are closed.